THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT TV

• During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
• All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
• Most dogs are immortal.
• If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
• All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
• All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
• It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
• Dinosaurs only eat ugly or immoral people.
• Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
• The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
• If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
• You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
• Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
• If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
• The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
• All single women have a cat.
• A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
• If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
• The Chief of Police is always black.
• When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
• If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by six inches.
• Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
• Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
• Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
• If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
• Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
• Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
• Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
• Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
• If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
• The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
• A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Wembley Stadium.
• If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon - then look in your bathroom mirror and he will suddenly appear behind you.
• Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
• Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
• Restaurant bills will always be 15% less than the amount you are holding in your hand.
• Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
• It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
• A person being pursued will always stop and throw something at the person chasing them - even though it takes three times longer to stop and throw the obstacles than it does for the person chasing to jump over them.
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
• Newborn babies can babble, crawl and hold their heads steady.
• A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
• All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
• It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
• When looking through binoculars, you will always see everything through a figure eight shape.
• At least one in each pair identical twins is born evil.
• In the event of a car chase, there will be two men carrying a large pane of glass through the streets. Later, you will drive through it.
• Make-up can safely be worn to bed without fear of smudging.
• A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
• When in love, it is customary to burst into song. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
• When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
• One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
• Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
• If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
• If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by manically beating the cradle and yelling "Hello? Hello?"
• A gang of highly-trained terrorists will always separate and search for an intruder on their own - so they can be killed one by one.
• Should you need to diffuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
• Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
• Megalomaniacs intent on world domination won't be able to resist telling their arch nemesis every detail of their evil plans.
• Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become either prostitutes or welders.
• A full moon can occur for several nights in a row.
• Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
• If the person you are chasing has just taken the elevator down from the 20th floor, you will be able to get to the street quicker than he can by running down the stairs.
• The person you trust most at work is probably the one who is trying to kill you.
• During a murder investigation lasting several weeks it will not be necessary for detectives to go home at any time to eat, sleep, shave or change their clothes.
• Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
• It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
• In the 19th century, long before sunbathing became fashionable, men and women already had tan lines and white bottoms.
• During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
• When you turn off the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly blurred.
• All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
• The only courses taught in American High Schools are American History and English.
• Dogs always know who's bad and will bark at them.
• When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
• A slight blow to the head is usually enough to cause amnesia.
• The most beautiful girl in school will never be able to get a date.
• If you think there is an intruder in your house, your cat will choose the precise moment to leap out at you from inside a cupboard.
• No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
• Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
• When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
• Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
• No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, it's internal gravity system is never damaged.
• If there is a deranged killer on the loose this will also coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
• You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
• Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
• In school, teachers will always be interrupted mid-sentence by the end-of-class bell.
• You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
• When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
• An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
• Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, there and then.
• High class strippers with a heart of gold can operate most heavy machinery.
• Rather than wasting bullets, Megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
• Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
• If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
• The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
• Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
• Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
• Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one.
• In the 23rd century, all humans will be beautiful. Humanity will make up for this by wearing awful clothes.