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Title: His Present Fate Author: Ali Cherry Summary: Disclaimer: Don't own Never Will!!!! AN: BIG DISCLAIMER!!!! I have not had, nor has anyone I known every had Leukemia. I'm probably screwing it all up here. I'm sorry. I did a little reading on the subject, but I doubt anything could even compare to going through the experience. People I do know who have had cancer and treatment don't talk about it. So forgive me, Please. His Present Fate"Heaven from all creatures hides the book of fate, All but the page described, their present fate." Pope. Harm pulled on his uniform shirt, taking his time with the buttons. He wouldn't face her, wouldn't meet her eyes. "You'll need to tell your CO, the rest of the staff at Jag." She told him, her voice firm as she watched him finish with his shirt and tuck it into his pants. "I want to wait a bit. I just got back; I don't want to disappoint them. I have too much to make up." "Harm. This isn't something you can put off. It's not going to go away." "I know that. I'm just not ready to face that yet. Alright?" "Tell your CO at least. It's Admiral Cheggwidden, right?" "Yeah." "He'll understand." "It's not a matter of understanding. It's a matter of having a life. Something to be proud of when this is all over." She sighed. At least he said when not if. "If you won't inform him, Commander--" "You can't break client confidentiality, Doctor." Harm's voice turned frosty with disdain. "I may not be able to break client confidentiality, Commander, but there are other ways." "Look, I just changed my designator back to Jag. I refuse to play on their sympathy to earn my place back in Jag. I can keep going with minimal breaks in the mean time, until you feel it's absolutely necessary." "Commander Rabb, statistics show that patients with family and friends--" "No. I'm not going to worry my mother like that." "You aren't considering your health." "Is that all, Doctor?" "Make an appointment for Next Friday, we'll start those tests then okay?" "Don't worry about me, Doc. I'm a Tomcat pilot, we don't go down without a fight." Harm smiled at her, before he left her in the chilly examination room. He didn't seem to understand what keeping this secret would cost him. Gunnery Sergeant Galindez looked in his Rolodex for Commander Rabb's cell phone number. Harm had snuck out an hour early, like he had for the past month. Every Friday, he left early and no one saw him again until Sunday. If there was work to be done, it waited until Sunday, if someone wanted to get together for a meeting it was Sunday. The man was losing weight too. His uniform pants didn't fit as nicely any more, the belt doing more work then usual in holding them up. And all the Commander seemed to do at work was sleep. Instead of socializing between loads of paperwork, the office staff would find him sleeping, dark circles hovering under his eyes. Colonel Mackenzie was going to try to call Mr. Webb and see if he knew what was wrong, cause the Commander wasn't talking. The phone rung softly in the Gunny's ear. "Rabb." Commander Rabb's voice was hoarse and quiet on the other end. "Commander Rabb, this is the Gunny. The Admiral needs you in his office ASAP." "Hold on a sec, Gunny." The Gunny listened intently in the background to shuffling sounds. "The Admiral needs to see me today, Gunny?" "Yes sir. I believe he's upset by your early departure today." "Okay, I can be in, in two hours." "Sir, I was told immediately." "I'm sorry, Gunny. Two hours is the best I can do." "I'll inform the Admiral." In the background Gunny heard a beep followed by the conspicuous words, "Dr. Carlson, please call radiology, Dr. Carlson please call radiology." "Thank you, Gunny." Harm's voice was growing stronger and the gunny put aside his suspicions for the time. "Bye, sir." The phone clicked off in the gunny's ear. He got up to tell the Admiral. Tiner was away, some kind of family function this weekend. The gunny knocked on the door. "Come." The admiral shouted. "Sir, I got in touch with Commander Rabb, he said he'd been in as soon as possible but that it probably will be two hours or more before he's here." "Get him back on the phone and tell him if he isn't in this office in one hour, his ass is being transferred to Garbage duty." "Yes, Sir." The gunny walked away, totaling understanding Petty officer Tiner now. Dealing with the Admiral wasn't an easy task. The phone rang quietly in his ear. "Rabb." "Sir, this is the Gunny. The Admiral told me-" "Is that Rabb?" The Admiral asked as he yanked the phone out of the Gunny's hand. "Commander Rabb. I want you in my office in one hour or so help me, you will wish for garbage duty. Is that understood?" "Yes, Sir." "One Hour, Mr. Rabb. Oh and pack a bag, you're going to the Coral Sea." "Yes, Sir." The Admiral handed the phone back to the Gunny. "He's been so prima Donna since he got back from flying. He's gonna be filling out Freedom of Information requests, soon." "I don't have time for this." Harm said as he pulled on his Uniform pants. "Commander, if you'll let me, I can get you excused from this assignment." "What are you going to do? Write a note? Please excuse Commander Rabb from doing his job, He has Cancer?" Harm snorted in anger, the other 2 men in the room, looking away from the argument in sympathy. "I told you I don't want them to know. I'll be fine." "Fine then sit down and let me show how this model works. You can have the Corpsman put in the IV tube, and this is how you work it." The doctor explained all the small details of the portable machine in her hands, and then she packed it up securely and handed it over. "I'm not joking. Tonight. And if your not back, next Friday." "Yes, Ma'am." Harm said, fully dressed he grabbed the kit from the bed and left the doctor standing next to the bed. The limited duty permit was looking increasingly like the way to go. Harm entered the sickbay of the Coral Sea. Thankful to get away from Bud's prying eyes. Last Friday, Harm had found a Doctor in flight that set up the stupid portable machine under Harm's Uniform coat. Bud hadn't been the wiser. Now Harm had to talk the Corpsman into not telling the Cag and Skipper about this little detail. "Can I help you sir?" The Doctor looked up from his position next to a workbench. "Hi, I'm Commander Rabb, from Jag. I'm looking for Commander Blencher." "I'm Commander Blencher. I suppose you need to ask me about Ensign Rigger's medical history. I already told your Lt. Roberts, everything I know." "Actually Commander, I need your medical expertise." Harm said carefully. "Shoot Commander." The man said affably, pointing to the bed on the center of the room. "I need your help starting an IV." "Excuse me, Sir?" Harm presented the portable chemo treatment. "I have CML. I'm suppose to be in Chemo tonight, but I had this investigation." "Sir, you should be in a hospital, or at least home in bed." "Thank you for your concern, but I'm here and I need to have you set up the IV for me." "CML, that's a type of Leukemia, right?" "Yeah." "So how long?" Commander Blencher asked as he carefully set in the IV. He had to look for the vain. Got it. The IV slid in. "I was initially diagnosed 3 months ago. I've been on Chemo a month and a half." Harm said as he fiddled with the dials. He felt the slight tingle up his arm, where the medicine worked its way into his system. "So you know, your tolerances." "Yes. Nausea, but no vomiting, but I'm not really active for a day after. I have some problems with aftershave and perfume, but I'm all right with food. My temperature is up, but its probably is the change in climate, or so Doc Williams said, when I called." "Why don't I look you over, make sure you haven't picked up a bug?" "Fine." "Sarah Williams?" Blencher asked. "Yes." "She treated my brother, nice doctor." "Yes she is." "I'm surprised you aren't on limited duty, though. Most of her patients get it right away." "I told her I was just a lawyer, that I didn't need limited duty, but I think you're right. She's probably going to push for it when I get back. I know I'm going to get chewed out for not telling her that I'm occasionally called away for investigations." Harm chuckled. "So why isn't Lt. Robert's here to help you back to your quarters." "He doesn't know." "What do you mean he doesn't know?" "I have opted not to tell my co workers at this time." Harm stated, his voice like a robot's. "You know I read that Cancer patients that have friends and family around--" "Have a higher survival rate, yes, I know." Harm said. "I'll tell them eventually. I just don't want to worry them just now." The doctor finished his quick examination. "You seem to be doing good. You have a slight elevation in temperature, but no sign of infection. You're a little dehydrated, so you might want to increase your intake of liquids. Why don't I walk you back to your quarters, Commander." "That's fine." Harm started out in the passageway, the IV line carefully tucked out of sight. The Commander and the Doctor chatted back to Harm's temporary quarters and parted there. Harm collapsed into his bunk, taking out his headphones, he fell asleep to the soft strains of Holtz. "Mr. Webb's office." "My name is Colonel Mackenzie, I'd like to speak to Mr. Webb please." "I'm sorry Mr. Webb is out of the country this week with the Undersecretary. I'll give him the message when he gets in. Thank you." The phone clicked in Mac's ear. Okay so Webb's a strike out for this week. Harriet knocked lightly on the door; behind her were the Gunny and Tiner. "Enter." "Did you get in touch with Mr. Webb?" Harriet asked. "No. And he won't be in for at least a week." Mac sighed. "So what do we know?" "Commander Rabb leaves an hour early every Friday and disappears til Sunday." Tiner stated matter of fact. "When I called the Commander to tell him the Admiral wanted to speak to him, he said two hours, but then he made it in an hour. I also heard a page for a doctor in the background." The Gunny put in. "So he was either visiting someone or else he was getting his symptoms looked at." Mac surmised. "But he doesn't acknowledge the fact that he has symptoms. When I asked about his lack of sleep. He waved me off." Harriet said. "And he hasn't come to visit AJ in two months. He used to come once a week." "Gunny, see if you can find out where Harm answered the phone. Try to track the doctor." "Yes, Ma'am." Mac looked up at the group. "You know we could just be over reacting." The group looked back at her skeptically. Commander Blencher looked over to the table that seated the Jag officers. It had been four hours since he had help Rabb remove the IV and sometime in between the two officers had managed to wrap up their investigation, catch the bad guy and file their report. All they were waiting on was the afternoon cod. Blencher noticed the Commander drinking a lot of water. Good, he was taking care of himself. Rabb got up slowly, leaning heavily on the table for support. He patted Bud 's shoulder and walked away like an old man, Bud watching his progress. The Cag stopped Rabb at the door. After the short exchange of words, both the Cag and Bud looked surprised. The Cag headed in Blencher's direction. "Doctor?" The Cag said as he sat down at Blencher's table. "Yes, Sir?" "Have you examined Mr. Rabb?" "Yes, Sir." "And?" "He's in remarkable health, all told." "Is there any reason why Mr. Rabb would turn down a chance to fly?" "Fly? Considering his condition, I wouldn't sign off on him flying, sir." "His condition?" The Cag prodded. "The Commander doesn't want his condition to become scuttle butt sir." "Well why don't we just go to my office then and you can tell me his condition." Blencher stood up and followed the Cag out of the Mess hall. When the door was secured behind them, the Cag turned on him. "What is Mr. Rabb's condition?" "Mr. Rabb is undergoing Chemotherapy at this time, for treatment of cancer, sir. From what I understand he hasn't told anyone yet. And he rather tell them himself." "What was Cheggwidden thinking?" "Sir. There's no reason why Rabb shouldn't be able to perform his duties. He is in the early stages, takes good care of himself. The only problem is the possibility of his catching a bug." "I thought that you couldn't stop Chemo once you started it?" "No, sir. It's generally a good idea to keep to a schedule, but often a doctor has to stop the drugs, so as not to kill the patient, sir." "He's not dying so shouldn't he be in a hospital, getting his treatment?" "Sir. Mr. Rabb has had his treatment this week." "He's been here for 8 days, when did he get his treatment." "He has a portable machine and I inserted an IV for him last night sir." "Well I'm just glad he's leaving. Can't imagine what the Jag was thinking sending him here, in that condition. I'm filing a protest." "Yes, Sir." "Don't just stand there. Go find out if he's alright." "Yes Sir." Blencher left, while the Cag pulled out the papers to take to the skipper. And people said he was hard on his men. "Well, Commander. Welcome Back." Harm smiled at Doctor Williams when he opened the door to her office. He handed the small package back to her. She handed him a slip of paper. "What's this?" Harm asked, looking down at the paper. "A limited duty permit." "You said you'd respect my wishes." Harm accused. "That was before you went on an investigation to the Adriatic Sea." "The Coral Sea. It's a carrier, ma'am." "I know that, Commander Rabb." She glared at Harm. "Commander, this is for your own good. You aren't invincible. You could have fallen, cut yourself, been exposed to who knows what kind of diseases. This is the only way to guarantee that you stay here." She took a breath. "If you look, I only restricted you from high stress and oversea cases." "Only. I don't think you understand Doctor. That's what I do." "Well you can't do it while you're sick." "I don't have a choice." "You're right. You don't. You're restricted as of now." Harm sulked quietly as the Doctor ran her examination. "Everything looks good." "I knew that." Harm said, tightly. "Look, It wouldn't have been a secret from Cheggwidden much longer. Commander Blencher called me to let me know you were doing well. It seems the Cag knows and he's filing a protest against Cheggwidden. Either way, your secret is out. Keeping it a secret from your CO, probably put your ass in a sling." She smiled at Harm. "Cheer up, Commander. Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia has one of the highest survival rates; we caught it really very early. It's responding well to treatment. Everything looks good." "Thank you." "It's for your own good, Commander." "My own good? I haven't been to see my godson in two months because I'm afraid he'll have a cold. People are starting to look at me funny, cause I fall asleep in my office. I've lost a good ten pounds, my uniforms don't fit, and now I'm suppose to be happy that you took the one thing I could do away? Sorry Doc, my own good isn't looking too great right now." Doctor Williams leaned across the desk to touch Harm. "It'll get easier, and then it'll go away." "If it doesn't kill me first." "You aren't going to die, Harm. I won't let you." "You know, it's funny. I'm pretty sure I told my Rio that, right before I killed him in a ramp strike." Harm stood up. "See you on Friday, Doctor." "The Petty officer in question was remanded to custody in Naples and is awaiting trial." Harm finished giving the report to Admiral Cheggwidden, who had been grinding his teeth through the entire report. Beside him, Bud looked fearfully between the Admiral and the Commander. "Good Job, Commander, Lieutenant." The Admiral stared at Harm. "Commander I'd like to speak to you about this protest I was given, by the Cag of the Coral Sea." Harm's eyes widened, but his face remained still. "Sir, if this is because Commander Rabb didn't feel like flying, Sir-" "Lt. Roberts, you're dismissed." "Yes, sir." Bud slinked out, closing the door behind him. "Would you care to explain this, Commander?" The Admiral asked. "I'm sorry, sir. No one was supposed to know." "No one was supposed to know that you're sick, or that you're undergoing treatment. Cause let me tell you, the whole damn office is worried about you." The Admiral leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. "I didn't appreciate finding out about it from a protest either." "I'm sorry sir." "Sorry, you're sorry!" The Admiral yelled. "What the hell did you think you were doing Rabb? You're sick, you shouldn't be at work let alone out on a carrier." "I can carry out my duty, Sir." "Why weren't you placed on limited duty?" "My doctor didn't think it was necessary. We caught it fairly early; I have a low stress, desk job. We thought it would be alright to just limit my normal schedule." "We or you, Commander." "I didn't want anyone to know, sir." "Including me." "Especially you, sir." Harm stared at the Admiral, his face a calm mask. "I don't want your pity. I didn't want to worry you." Harm handed the Admiral the limited duty slip. The admiral looked at it and threw it on the pile. "Fine. You're on limited duty. There's a stack of Freedom of Information requests on Tiner's desk, pick them up. I expect them done by the end of the week." "Yes, sir." "Dismissed." The admiral sighed after Harm closed the door. He picked up the phone and dialed the number on the duty slip. "Doctor Williams? This is Admiral Cheggwidden, Commander Rabb's CO. I think we need to talk." Harm smiled at Tiner as he collected the 50 or so files from the desk. "Commander, are you all right?" Tiner asked worriedly. "I'm fine, Tiner. Just got chewed out a bit." "You don't look so well." "I'm fine, Petty Officer." With that Harm turned away and walked into his office, shutting the door and blinds behind him. "Commander Rabb?" Harm looked up from where he was finishing up the last of the files he had gotten on Monday. "Yes, Sir?" The Admiral sighed. "Isn't it time for you to leave?" "I only have a few minutes more, sir." "Fine." The Admiral closed the door to the office. Harm sighed. The admiral hadn't cut him any slack, but he wasn't allowed to stay late, anymore. And every time the Admiral looked Harm's way, he felt as if the Admiral was trying to gage his life span. Oh well. Another weekend shot to hell. Harm printed out the last of the requests and set them in his outbox before grabbing his briefcase and cover. "Shit." Harm looked through the bag he brought with him to the hospital. His CD player wasn't in it. "What?" Doctor Williams asked as Harm dropped the bag back in the chair and climbed on to the bed. "Nothing, just forgot my CD player is all. Must have left it in my suitcase." "Oh. I'm sure one of the nurses has one, you could use. You might have to listen to country though." "No it's alright. I'm fine." Harm said as he settled in. Within minutes Harm had been set up to an IV, the solution dripping into his body. Williams left him in the room. The man was too independent. He didn't talk to anyone; he wouldn't have even told his CO if the protest hadn't come through. As it was he didn't really tell Cheggwidden anything. Cheggwidden, hmmm. Doctor Williams smiled to herself. "Cheggwidden residence." The Admiral's voice was gruff. It was after eight, and he didn't want to be disturbed. "Admiral Cheggwidden? This is Doctor Williams, Commander Rabb's Oncologist. He forgot his portable CD player and I thought maybe you could bring it down. I know it's a lot to ask, seeing as how this is Friday night, but I know how much the music soothes Commander Rabb." Sarah tried to keep her voice soft and warm. Fuzzy is good. "Commander Rabb? Did he say where he might have left it?" "He said he left it in his suitcase. He'll really appreciate this Admiral." "I'll be there in a little bit." "Thank you Admiral." The Admiral hung up the phone. I'm surprised Harm asked for me. He seemed determined to shut everyone out of his illness. Show no weakness. The admiral sighed. Harm had worked hard at earning a place back at Jag. The Admiral didn't blame him for not wanting to give it up. But sickness wasn't an option it wasn't something you chose. It was something you lived through. And from the looks of things, the Commander wasn't living through it very well. Bud looked down the hall way as he waited for Harriet and baby AJ to come out of the emergency ward. They had rushed down here, when they realized that AJ was running a high fever. Was that? Bud looked again and saw Admiral Cheggwidden enter the hospital carrying-- That looked like Commander Rabb's CD player, Bud had seen it enough. The Commander carried it with him everywhere now. A new addition to add to the symptoms of the.Wait. What if the Admiral was bringing it to Harm? Bud got up and followed the Admiral to the elevator. The Admiral got into the empty elevator and Bud watched the numbers. It stopped at level four. Looking at the handy chart, Bud read the listings for level four. Oncology, pediatrics, and radiology. Bud headed back towards the waiting room, where he found Harriet. "Honey, what's Oncology?" "Cancer treatment, Bud. Can we go home now? The doctor said it's just an ear infection and I already got the antibiotics." Harriet yawned next to him. "Sure honey." Bud hustled her and baby AJ out to the car. Near to them, was the Admiral's expedition, but Harriet didn't notice. "Do you know what the symptoms are when you have cancer?" "No, but I'm sure they're different for each type." "Yeah." Bud had a lot of research to do tonight. Harm looked up to the squeak of shoes outside his door. The Oncology ward was silent, and his room was worse. Most patients were treated on an outpatient basis, and those who were hospitalized were in another section of the ward. He was one of the few outpatients that stayed overnight. His door opened, admitting Doctor Williams and Admiral Cheggwidden. "Hello, Commander Rabb." "Admiral, Doctor." He greeted cautiously. "The Doctor thought you'd appreciate it if I brought your CD player." The Admiral handed the player to Harm. "I didn't know what you wanted to listen to, so I brought everything on the shelves." He tossed the bag onto the bed, the three hundred CD's or so, rattled. Harm smiled. "Thanks, sir." "Your welcome." The Admiral replied gruffly. The Doctor brought something out from behind her back. "I brought you a game you two could play together." In her hand was a battleship game, the red and blue portable sides, clicking together. "No fair. He has an unfair advantage." Harm called. The doctor sent a questioning look at the Admiral. "I was Captain of a destroyer for a while." The Admiral said with pride. "Well I'm afraid it's all I could round up, sorry." "Thanks." Harm said as he reached for the game, and stopped. "I mean if you have something to do, Admiral. I won't keep you. I'll just go terrorize one of the other patients." Harm shot a look at the Doctor to keep her mouth shut. No one else was here, besides the critical patients, whom Harm wouldn't disturb. "I have some other things to do tonight." "Alright, have a good weekend, Admiral." Harm smiled at the Admiral and the Doctor as they both left. The Admiral walked down the corridor as the Doctor watched. So much for my good intentions, she thought as she walked back to her office. The Admiral made it all the way down to the first floor before he stopped. Harm had looked like an over grown kid in the bed. His clothes hanging off his thinner frame, the bruises up his arm, where the IV's had been placed. The uniform had hid so much. The Admiral climbed into the elevator car and pressed four. His call to Francesca could wait until tomorrow. When he pushed open the door to Harm's room, he found the battleship game abandoned on the nightstand and Harm engrossed in a game of FreeCell, his headphones blasting something loud. He seemed very solitary sitting alone in the room; the IV hooked to his arm. The admiral walked in and tapped the Commander's shoulder. He turned off the CD. "Sir? I thought you had things to do." Harm asked. "I decided they weren't that important." The Admiral shifted a bit, under Harm's intense gaze. "I don't need your pity sir. If you have something to do, then go do it. I 'm fine here, by myself." "What about the other patients?" The Admiral asked. "They're too sick to bother." "And I'm too healthy?" "I'm perfectly fine, sir." "If you're so fine, then why don't you drive here?" The Admiral asked. "I may be sick, but I'm not suicidal." "That's right you're sick. Something you seem to forget." The Admiral plunked down across the table, Harm barely had time to move his legs. "Now hand that game over and prepare to get your six whipped." Harm jerked his head up. Stay awake, Rabb, he thought to himself. He sat on the edge of the hospital bed waiting on the results of some tests they had done. All Harm wanted to do, was get home and crawl in bed. His eyes drifted closed, his body slumping towards the pillow. "Harm it looks like we're going to have to run some more tests." Dr. Williams trailed off as she looked at Harm sacked out on the bed in front of her. Usually he was alert and functioning enough to climb into and out of a cab, but it looked like he had expended his energy last night, trying to look healthy for the Admiral. "So are you ready to go, Comm-" The Admiral stopped in the doorway, looking at Harm slumped on his bed. "Is he always like that?" "No. He's probably more tired than usual. He has expended a lot of energy in the past three weeks." The doctor said as she checked his forehead. "I thought I'd come get him." The Admiral said. "I think he'd appreciate it, if I thought he'd wake up." "Will you still release him?" The Admiral picked up the two bags and garment bag that had slipped to the floor. "He's not actually checked in, just here on an outpatient basis. But we do need this bed." "I'll go bring my car around to the entrance." The Admiral left toting Harm 's stuff. "Harm?" She shook his shoulder lightly. "Just a few more minutes, Doc. Then I'll get out of your hair." Harm mumbled. "We need you to come back on Wednesday." "I have court on Wednesday." "All day Wednesday?" "From 1000 to 1700." "Why don't I see if I have an opening, early in the morning?" "No offense, but I don't think that'll work. I have to give an opening argument. I won't be able to be doped up." "Well it can't be Wednesday night, I have a date." "Well Tuesday night is booked for me." "What are you doing?" "I'm not telling you. You won't like it." Harm said straightening up, his eyelids drooping. "I've got the car." The Admiral said as he poked his head in the door. "Admiral?" Harm asked questioningly. "Commander?" The Admiral just looked at him, the clear meaning being, I'm an admiral, I don't have to answer for my activities. "Admiral, the Commander and I were just trying to come up with a good time to run some further tests. He says he's in court all day Wednesday." "Oh, that's the Daly UA?" "Yes, Sir." "I'm sure we could postpone it, or better yet. Admiral Morris could just move the openings til after lunch." "That's good, 0700 sound good, Commander?" Harm felt railroaded. He didn't want to admit to the Admiral or the Doctor that he was having enough trouble concentrating on the Daly trial without the issue of tests hanging over his head. Suck it up, Rabb. "Fine." Well that was a resounding success. Sarah Williams thought to herself. Note to self, start a counselor coming round. The man lost control of his body, she took away his choices in his career and now, she just took away control of his time. I can hear them screaming now. The Admiral helped Harm into his apartment. The Commander broke from the light touch and slinked into his unmade bed. The Admiral looked again. Unmade bed, laundry pile growing, and dishes unwashed in the sink. Wandering to the fridge, he was happy to find it fully stocked with health food, tons of juices and water. He took a water bottle out from the fridge and took it to the bedroom. "Harm, here's some water." "Fine, just go away for a while, you're making me sick." "Excuse me?" The Admiral reared back in indignation. "Your aftershave. It's making me nauseous." "Oh, I'll." "Don't bother. Just go away." Harm waved a hand towards the other room. The Admiral picked up the Commander's suits from the pile near the dresser and walked out of the bedroom. "Colonel Mackenzie, to what do I owe, this honor." Clayton Webb smiled largely at Mac. "Where have you been, Webb? I've been calling for two weeks." Mac hissed as she plopped herself down in front of Webb's desk. "That's classified." Clay stiffened up. "Well while you've been away playing James Bond, Jr. Harm has I don't know, gotten in to something." "Could you back up a second? Rabb's into something?" Webb asked incredulously. "Well actually we're not sure. It started with the little things, you know, not going to a wetting down ceremony, not wanting to meet on Saturdays. Then he changed his after shave." "You noticed that?" Webb asked. "Of course, he went from this musky scent to a barely there, flowery smell. It's actually very nice." "I didn't think people noticed when guys changed." "Well I did. Anyway, we though he was dating a new girl you know? But it's been three months now, and he hasn't said anything. He started losing weight. He sleeps at work. He sweats a lot, like he's running a fever. And sometimes it's like he can't seem to move very fast. I never see him on the running track anymore." "You're really worried." Webb asked, "The whole Jag staff is." Mac said. "I'll look into it." "So, he's not involved in some crazy CIA stunt?" "No. Haven't seen or talked to him since he went back to flying." "That's all I needed to know." "I can find out." Mac leaned over and touched Webb's hand. "Thanks, I really appreciate it." She sighed and straightened up. "I'd better go fill in Bud and Harriet." Mac got up and left. Clay picked up a phone and ordered a file. A second later a junior agent was sitting in the same chair. Giving an overview of the file in Clay's hand. "Actually Commander Rabb hasn't done much of anything in the past few months." "No high profile cases?" "No sir. The limited Work order was to keep Rabb from overseas and high stress cases." "What limited work order? Why does he have one of those? And what are all these prescriptions for?" Clay asked, his fingers running along the long list. "Well actually that's not bad, considering his condition. My cousin had Leukemia and he must have had thirty prescriptions." "Leukemia? Rabb has Leukemia? Shouldn't that have been the first thing out of your mouth?" "Sir? You said you were an acquaintance of Commander Rabb. You should have known. It's not like he can keep it a secret, sir." "And why can't he?" "Well, cause." The young man sputtered. "Well it's common knowledge that cancer patients that have the support of their family and friends have a higher survival rate. Plus the limited work permit. The Admiral would have to know." The young man stammered. "When was the LWP signed?" "Last Sunday, sir." "So the Admiral found out this week." "But Mr. Rabb's been going to treatment for two months now." "Hi Colonel." Harriet said as she opened the door to let Mac in. "Hi Harriet. Where's Bud?" Mac asked, noticing Bud's absence. "Napping with AJ, ma'am. He stayed up all night, researching Cancer or Oncology. Don't ask me why." "I talked to Webb today. He said he hasn't pulled Harm into anything and that he'd looked into it." "It's not another woman, ma'am. I'm sure of it. So the Commander must be sick or something." Harriet deducted, she slid her foot under her as she sat on the couch. "I think he has some kind of Cancer." Bud's voice cut through from the doorway to the bedroom. Mac just gave him a questioning look. "Last night we had to take little AJ to the emergency room, he was running a fever. It turned out to be just an ear infection, but-" "Bud. Get on with it." "I saw the Admiral go up to the fourth floor. That level is for Pediatrics, Oncology and Radiology." "So the Admiral could have been visiting that seal that he likes." "I checked with Tiner, he went into remission 6 months ago. Besides the Admiral was carrying the Commander's CD player. You know the one that he hasn't let out of his sight since he started looking sick." Bud grabbed some papers from next to his desk. "Listen to this. Symptoms include, loss of weight, sweating, dry skin, loss of hair, and lack of energy. Sound familiar?" "Harm hasn't lost any hair." "He's thinning ma'am." Harriet replied. "His hair isn't as thick as it used to be." "He wouldn't keep something like this from us." "How long did it take for him to tell us his eyesight was fixed?" Bud asked quietly. The Admiral looked up from the pamphlet he was reading as the Commander slunked to the Fridge and pulled out a container and a juice bottle. "I would have gotten that for you, Commander." Harm jumped, the juice bottle slipping from his grasp. He set the food container carefully on the counter and crouched to bumble with the bottle. He used a hand on the counter to help pull himself upright. "Sir, I thought you had left." Harm fumbled over the words. "I didn't want to leave you, Commander." "Thank you for your concern. But I can handle this, Admiral." Harm stated, drawing himself up to attention. "I was just doing a little reading." The Admiral held up Harm's chemo and you pamphlet. "Yes, sir." "I was especially interested in this part about making sure your close friends and family understand your-" "I've read that part, sir." "You don't think they deserve to know?" The Admiral asked. Harm groaned, the Admiral was in prosecutor mode. Pulling out a barstool, he plunked down. This could take a while. "I'd rather not worry my mother like that, Sir. Frank's been having prostrate problems." "What about your close friends?" "And who would those be, Admiral?" Harm asked, hoping to end the conversation. "The Colonel for example." AJ stated, unnerved by the question. "Colonel Mackenzie and I haven't exactly spoken to each other since my return, sir." The Admiral sighed and leaned against the corner of the desk, his arms folded in thought. "I don't understand Mr. Rabb. I thought you and Colonel Mackenzie were friends inside and outside of Jag." "We were, Sir. She was unhappy that I went back to flying, Sir. The partnership just kind of ended with that." Harm said, picking up the juice bottle. "Why don't you tell the Colonel, work on rebuilding that friendship, while she helps you through this." The Admiral asked. "I DON'T NEED HER PITY!" Harm yelled as he threw the juice bottle with everything he had. For all its weight and aerodynamics, the bottle didn't reach the Admiral, before dropping to the ground. "I don't need your pity. I can handle this. I'm not going to use this as some kind of way to get into her good graces. If she doesn't want to be my friend before, then she doesn't get to be my friend after." With that Harm stalked out of the apartment slamming the door. The Admiral sat quietly digesting the information. Then he got up and opened the door, to find Commander Rabb slumped against the Elevator doors. Harm was chuckling to himself. He looked up at the Admiral; sweat beading on his forehead. "I forgot in my anger, that I tire easily." He panted the words as if he had run a marathon instead of 10 feet out the door. "I'm sorry, sir." The Admiral grunted. "I need a few minutes, sir." "Why the hell didn't you say so, Rabb?" The admiral went back inside to pick up where he had left off in the reading, leaving Harm panting in the hallway. Harm slumped down in front of the doors to the elevator, not noticing the slight vibration of movement behind him. The scraping of the security grate didn't register in Harm's mind. He did register the impact of the elevator doors as they were flung wide open with hurricane force. He felt the impact along his spine and in his head. "OUCH!" Harm rubbed the back of his head and turned to glare at the intruder. Clayton Webb stood over him, glaring and looking surprised. "What the hell are you doing out here, Rabb? You should be in a hospital some where." The Admiral opened the door. Webb turned on him. "You're an Admiral, order him or something." Webb put both hands on his hips, revealing the tightly buttoned vest. "Go away, Webb." Harm struggled to get to his feet, ignoring both hands outstretched to offer help. "Why? You're obviously sick. You need to get a clue Rabb and let your friends help you." "Leave me alone, Webb." Harm's voice rose in intensity as he walked into his apartment. He shut the door in Webb's face. The Admiral stood stunned as well. Inside music began to play loudly. The Admiral test the knob, it turned easily. A sad solemn tune haunted the empty apartment. The Admiral looked into the bedroom to find Harm sitting on the bed. Case files being pulled out of his open briefcase. Clayton Webb followed the Admiral in, glancing curiously about. Half the apartment was tidy as if someone had abandoned his or her search for clean. A dust rag near a pamphlet on the desk suggested what had occurred. A phrase from the CD floated over the room. The dreaming tree has died. "Depressing music." Webb told the Admiral who kept watch on Harm. "Its time for a strategic retreat, Mr. Webb." The Admiral said quietly. "I thought the Seals didn't believe in failure." "Who said failure? I said strategic retreat. I have some reading to do." The Admiral picked up the pamphlet from the table, walking over to the doorway. He cleared his throat. "Commander Rabb, Mr. Webb and I are leaving now." "Yes, sir." Harm said stiffly. "Why are we here, Admiral?" Webb asked, surprised that he even had followed the Expedition to the library. "Cause I want to read up on what to expect from Commander Rabb. This little pamphlet isn't nearly complete." "So do you know what he has?" Webb asked. "CML. The Doctor wrote down the spelling." "You do realize that we're the only ones who know?" "That makes it our responsibility to make sure Mr. Rabb takes care of himself." "So when do you think Rabb will tell the others?" "Do I look like Mr. Answers, Webb?" Webb raised an eyebrow. "To answer your question, I don't think he'll ever tell them." "They're going to find out." Webb said smugly. The Admiral turned to glare at Webb. "Not from us." "You get to deal with a really pissed off Marine, when she finds out then." Webb leaned over a computer terminal and started typing in the search parameters. "You are such a wuss, Webb." "I aim to please. Now how is that spelled?" Harm walked across the bullpen from the kitchen area, munching on the pasta salad. He stopped suddenly fork half raised to his mouth. Looking around he caught speculative looks from several people around the room. They looked away quickly. All except Mac, Bud and Tiner. Harm frowned, the scowl deepening the creases in his pale face. He walked into his office and slammed the door, loosened the blinds on the door and window and sat down in his chair with a sigh. His pasta salad didn't seem that appetizing to him anymore. Harm stood next the black, polished wall; his own haggard face reflected back to him, the etched names blending with the tears on Harm's face. He compared his reflection to that of his fathers from that 1980 picture. They were a near match. When did I get so old? Harm thought. "Hi dad." Harm started, midnight and cold drifted around him. "I'm dying, dad. I have cancer." Harm took a breath. "I'm getting treatment and the doctors say, everything's going well. But I'm still dying, inside." Harm touched his gloved hand to his father's name. "I'm afraid to tell anyone. You're the only one. I can't face them, knowing they see me with pity." "I don't want to tell mom or grandma Sarah. They've already lost so much." Harm let the tears drift down his cheeks. "I go in for more tests tomorrow. I don't think everything is going as well as they hoped. I don't know if I' ll get a chance to come back here before this is over. I love you, dad." Harm laid his head against the wall and let the darkness swirl around him. If he wanted to, he could pretend the cold was his father's arms wrapping around him. Holding him close. Protecting his soul from his body. Harm sunk against the wall, curling into a ball. He didn't want to be strong anymore. Since the haunting jangle that accompanied the war department's men, he had been strong, protecting everyone in his sphere, finding justice when he failed them. Independence warred with need. And two strong arms wrapped around his body. Harm lost himself in his memories, pretending the aftershave was his father's, that the seal's emblem was a pair of wings. He sat in silence, knowing that embarrassment would eventually come when the memories left. "Do you want to talk, Harm?" The admiral asked as he helped Harm stand. "I just want to go home, sir." Harm looked at the ground, the cold and lateness catching up with him. "It's your dad's birthday?" "Yeah for a birthday present, I gave him the knowledge I'll be joining him shortly." Harm started to limp away, cramps running up his legs. The Admiral turned to the Wall. "Not if I have anything to say about it." The Admiral saluted and followed after Harm. Harm walked into the quiet bullpen, the lateness of the hour meant most people were in court or already engrossed in their work. Tiner buzzed the Admiral, who stuck his head out the private door. "Commander Rabb. I'd like to speak to you for a few minutes." Harm sighed. He hurt where the needles punctured his skin. He was exhausted from the late night and early morning. He wanted to crawl out of his uniform and out of his itchy dry skin. Barring that, he wanted to go into the bathroom and slather lotion up and down his arms to make the sensation bearable. Harm altered course to the Admiral's office. Inside, seated in the guest chairs, were Mac and Brumby. The Admiral turned to them. "Could you give us a few minutes please?" "Yes, sir." Mac and Brumby stood up and exited, with many curious looks in Harm's direction. When the door had shut behind them, the Admiral motioned Harm into a seat. "So how were the tests?" "They went fine, sir." "And?" "And she believes that a change in treatment is called for." "Could you be more specific?" The Admiral growled. "She wants to up the dosage in the Chemo and put me on an experimental drug." "And?" One profession the Admiral never wanted to be was a dentist, but getting an answer out of Harm was like pulling teeth. "I declined the experimental drug." "And why exactly is that?" "Between the increases in chemo and the new drug I would be incapacitated for an unacceptable amount of time." "And what is an unacceptable amount of time?" "Sir, you've seen my apartment. I can barely keep up with the problems I'm having now. Dammit, I had to ask you to drive me five blocks to the damn wall." Harm's face was etched in embarrassment. "There's an easy way to fix that." "I'm not telling them!" There was a discreet knock on the door. Tiner opened it. "Sir, the SecNav is on his way." "This conversation is not over, Commander." "Yes, Sir." Harm rose slowly, gathering up his cover and briefcase. He turned to leave. And walked right into the shorter form of the SecNav. Behind the SecNav stood Tom Boone, his father's wingman. Both looked startled by his appearance. "Oh good, you're here Rabb. I asked Colonel Mackenzie to join us as well." The SecNav stood, while motioning Boone to the chair Harm had just vacated. Harm set down his cover and briefcase and waited for Mac to join them. Harm turned to the door as Mac walked in, her eyes never straying from the picture of the SecNav and the Admiral behind the desk. The SecNav dismissed her salute and motioned impatiently for her to sit. "Captain Boone, why don't you debrief them?" The SecNav said magnanimously. "Commander Rabb, Do you remember that Tomcat we sent into Cuban airspace?" Tom Boone asked. "Yes, Sir. Commander Krennick, Lt Austin and I accompanied a state official, Mr. Bear to negotiate the release of the pilot, Lt. Commander Keeter and the f-14. While there, Mr. Bear revealed the plan for the downloading of a virus for junk F-14s in Iran." "Exactly. We have intelligence that the virus isn't working. We've gone up against several Iranian pilots and it appears the virus is inoperable." Harm's eyes widened in horror. "What we were hoping was that you and the Colonel would accompany Captain Boone on a little Intel mission." The SecNav put in. "I'm afraid the Commander won't be going overseas for a while. He's on a limited duty permit." The Admiral put in softly. "You could override it easily, AJ." The SecNav dismissed. "It's an order from the Commander's doctor. Not myself." "I'm undergoing treatment, sir." Harm took a deep breath. This isn't how I wanted to do this, he thought to himself. "I'm on an outpatient basis out of Bethesda." Mac's eyes sparkled. He was hiding an illness from them. "What exactly are we talking about here, Rabb?" The SecNav's eyes narrowed. Harm straightened up. He looked at the Admiral, focusing on his downcast eyes. "I have Leukemia, sir. I'm taking drug therapy." "Chemotherapy?" "Yes, sir." Harm looked past the admiral to the windows. He could feel all the eyes in the room on him. The Admiral's sympathetic, the SecNav's sizing up the situation, Tom Boone's surprised, and Mac's betrayed eyes. Just another thing he needed on top of his test results this morning. "Well thank you for your candor, Commander. Good Luck. You're dismissed." The SecNav turned away from Harm, who gathered up his cover and briefcase again and left the office. Harm headed for the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Shrugging out of his suit coat and uniform shirt, he pulled out the small bottle of lotion from his briefcase. There was a knock on the door. "I'll be out in a minute." Harm called. "Harm?" Mac's voice drifted through the cracks in the door. "Come on, let me in Harm." Harm sighed and looked in the mirror. He flicked the lock on the bathroom door. Mac walked in, hesitating when she saw his state of undress. Harm didn't look at her, just rubbed the lotion gently on to his arms. "When do you leave?" Harm asked. Mac took the lotion bottle from Harm. "You're doing it wrong." She pooled a small portion onto her hand and started rubbing in gentle small circles, making sure each spot was soft and moist before moving on. Harm felt the respite in the itching in each place she touched. If he could, he would have sunk onto the floor in relief. The uniform that had been so comfortable all his life, had felt like a cactus to his poor skin. "You didn't answer my question." "How does it feel, to be left in the dark?" Mac asked as she started on the other arm. Harm jerked away from her touch. "I'm too tired to play games with you, Colonel." Harm tried to take the bottle of lotion from her. She kept it out of reach. She took a cautious whiff. "So it's lotion, not aftershave." "Excuse me?" "You changed aftershaves, it was one of the first things I noticed." "It made me nauseous." Harm held his hand out, hoping Mac would give back the bottle. She took his hand and started rubbing lotion into it. "Do you throw up after a treatment?" "No, I sleep for a while." "How long have you known?" "It doesn't matter." Harm leaned a hip against the counter as Mac reached his elbow. Suddenly her fingers dug into the sensitive skin in the crook of his arm. He cried out in pain. Mac stopped and turned his arm over to look at the pale skin. She took a deeper look at small puncture marks and the slight discoloration of the veins. "Were you ever going to tell us?" She asked as she finished with his arm and started on his shoulders and neck. "No." Harm didn't say anything as her nails nipped lightly into his skin. "Why not?" Mac stopped and ran her fingers through his hair. He tried to stop her hand. But she came away with several dark strands, enough to make a small handful. "I didn't believe Harriet when she said you were thinning. You did a good job of hiding it." She went back to putting lotion on his shoulders. "Why weren't you going to tell me-us?" Harm ignored the question and pulled on his shirt, his fingers fumbling with the buttons for the second time that morning. "Have you told your mom?" "No." Mac crossed her arms. "Who have you told, Harm?" "The Admiral knows and Webb knows." "And how did they find out." "Who knows how Webb found out." "And the Admiral?" "The Doctor who helped me set up the IV on the Coral Sea told the Cag, who filed a protest against the Admiral." "So you didn't tell him, someone else did?" "Leave it, alone, Colonel." Harm pulled on his jacket and straightened his appearance in the mirror. "I don't think so, Commander." Mac put both her hands on her hips. "How dare you try to leave us out like that? We've been worried sick." Harm turned to glare at her. "You don't know the meaning of sick. Now just back off, Colonel." Harm yelled. Mac took a step back from Harm. He never lashed out. He always greeted each problem and each person with an even temper. It was one of the things that made him seem so perfect. Nothing perturbed the Rabb cool. "Sick," Harm hissed at her. "Sick is not being able to do your job. Sick is never being able to find the strength to pick up the uniforms on the ground, let alone clean the apartment. Sick is not being able to drive yourself the five blocks to say goodbye to your dad. Sick, is knowing that no matter what the pain is like now, it'll get worse and then you'll die. So don't tell me about being worried sick." Harm took a shuttering breath. His voice dropped to a reasonable façade of his normal tone. "Sick, is knowing that you'll never be the same. That even if you survive, you'll never be able to have children. That your friends will always look at you with pity. Sick is knowing all your dreams have died." Harm grabbed his briefcase and cover. "Excuse me." Harm left her in the bathroom holding the bottle of lotion in her hand, tears sliding down her cheeks. Mac set the lotion bottle on her desk. "Damn him!" He had yelled and hollered and then disappeared into the bowels of the Jag office to prepare for his case, or so he had told the Gunny. Mac picked up the phone. There was a knock on her office door. Mac looked up as Captain Boone entered. She set the phone back on the hook. "Captain. What can I do for you?" Mac asked politely. "I was wondering if you knew where I could find Commander Rabb? He isn't in his office." "I'm not sure where he is, Captain. He's preparing a case." "He's hiding, is what he is." "He doesn't want to be around when the shit hits the fan, sir." Mac leaned forward a bit, resting her hands on her desk. "Would you care to explain that Colonel?" "No one in the office knows, but you know scuttlebutt, sir." "So you and the Admiral knew?" "No sir. Just the Admiral." Tom Boone's eyebrows rose. "Will you tell him, I'd like to talk to him, when he has a moment." "If I see him, I'll pass on the message." Tom Boone moved towards the door. He stopped. "Tell me, Colonel. How can a man undergo treatment for a potentially life threatening disease, and no one know about it for two months? That's not the way I run my command." "I think you underestimate Commander Rabb, sir." "Maybe so." Captain Boone left. Mac picked up the phone. "Harriet? I need you to do something for me." Harm exited the elevator sighing. He wanted to walk in and crawl into bed, but he had promised himself that he would clean up his apartment. Make small goals and don't give up on them. Yesterday was to visit his dad; tomorrow was to go grocery shopping. Harm finally got his door unlocked and opened. He flicked the switch to turn on the lights and stopped. His apartment was clean. The dishes were clean, or at least in the dishwasher, the floor was mopped to a shine, books and papers had been moved and straightened, and the trash had been taken out. Harm went and sat down at the counter. He didn't know whether to be mad that they had cleaned his apartment, or to just be thankful. Harm picked up the paper lying on the counter. "Baby AJ and I have missed you. Harriet." Harm felt a tear streak down his cheek. Harm wiped it away. Get a grip, Rabb. She just felt sorry for you. Harm went to ball up the note and stopped himself. Smoothing the few wrinkles out he moved to the desk to pull out a folder in his locked desk drawer. He set the note next to a picture of himself holding baby AJ at his christening. Harm looked at the other pictures in the folder, sent by Harriet during his time away from Jag. Harm set the pictures back in the drawer. Another time, another dream. Harm reached into the desk drawer again and pulled out a small leather journal. A gift from Captain Pike when he left. The Cag had said to write his victories in it. Maybe it was time to tell someone about himself. Even if it was only some imaginary version of AJ in the future. Harm battled the thought that popped into his head. It might be the only way he knows me. Harm set down the journal and looked at the pictures on his desk. Friends that never wrote, distant relatives that disapproved, colleagues that fluctuated in their praise. Harm reached over and pulled out each picture from each frame, putting them in the bottom of a drawer somewhere. There was a knock on the door. Harm went to answer it. Mac stood in the hall, her jeans and low cut top making her seem young and vibrant. "I came to see how you are." She looked past Harm, taking in the clean apartment. "And I brought you this." She handed back the lotion bottle that Harm had left her with earlier. "Thank you." Harm started to close the door and Mac shoved her foot in it. "You never told me how you are." "I'm fine Mac, just like I was two hours ago, two months ago and two years ago." Harm's voice was laced with impatience. "Two years ago, you weren't trying to hide the fact you're in chemo." Mac bit back. "Two years ago I thought I had friends. I wasn't pushing myself just to have a foot in the circle." Harm raised his voice. He wasn't mad at Mac, but he couldn't stop the anger that rolled at her either. "Oh so its my fault that you're an ass and left Jag?" "Why can't you be happy that I left? It nearly killed me, but I supported your decision to leave Jag to chase after that slime, Lowne." Harm's voice cracked and he reigned in his feelings. Mac turned on her heel to leave. Harm reached out and grabbed her wrist. "Mac, wait." Harm's voice was soft, contrite. Mac looked at the spot where Harm's hand resided. But he didn't let go. "I'm sorry, Mac." Harm looked briefly at her face and returned his eyes to the floor. "About early and now. I don't know, why. It's probably because I'm tired. I shouldn't have said the things I did." "You should probably get to bed, Sailor." Mac said carefully. Harm released her and straightened up, his pride bringing up his emotional shields. "Yeah I should." "The Cag wanted to talk to you before we leave tomorrow at 1300." Harm nodded his head. "Who's going with you?" "Commander Keeter." Mac said. "He's got good instincts. Trust him." "I can take care of myself, Harm." "That's what I have been saying, but no one believes me either. Night Colonel." Harm shut the door. Mac stood in the hall. That went well. She didn't know this Harm whose emotions fluctuated. The bony fingers that seemed less competent then Harm's strong hands. The tear tracks she had seen on his cheeks. Mac knocked on his door again. She had a plan this time, and no shock was going to stop her. Harm opened the door, mouth ready for some smart reply when Mac stepped close and hugged him. She pulled him near and locked her arms around him. She felt him stiffen, unsure what to do with his arms and then he patted her back. She let out a watery sigh; he wasn't her strong partner any more. But he was still Harm. His hand started to rub up and down Mac's back in a caress. Comforting her. She smelled the lotion on his body; the way the scent hung just an inch from his warm body. "Mac?" "Yeah?" "Could we sit down? I've had a long day and I'm tired." "I should probably go home." Mac started to pull away, but Harm tightened his grip. She stopped and looked up at him. Realizing what he had done unconsciously, Harm dropped his arms to his sides again. "If you need me to stay, Harm. I will." "No you should go. I'm fine by myself." "Harm." "Go. Have a good trip." "I will." Mac looked back as she exited the door, Harm was heading to the bedroom. He looked older and more tired then she could ever remember him being. It hurt to close the door and walk to the elevator, when all she wanted to do was hold him while he fell asleep. Harm looked up from the fax machine he was stationed at when Tiner approached him. "Sir? The Admiral needs to see you." Harm gave up on waiting for the fax and followed the Petty Officer to the Admiral's office. The Admiral was throwing things into his briefcase in a hurry. "Rabb, I've got to go. Francesca has been in an accident. You're in charge since the Colonel's plane left an hour ago. Here are the files. You have meeting with the SecNav tomorrow and do not miss your doctor's appointment tomorrow. Don't come in on Saturday unless you feel like it. And for god's sake get some rest." With that the Admiral dumped the load of files into Harm's arms and left. Tiner knocked on the door, staring at the dumbfounded Rabb. "Sir? Lt. Lennies is on line one with an update on the UA in Norfolk." Harm looked at Tiner blankly. "Lennies? This is his first trial right?" "Yes, Sir." "Could you find me the file, please?" Harm dumped the load of files into Tiner's arms and went to pick up the phone. "Lennies? This is Commander Rabb. The Admiral's been called away. What can I do for you?" Tiner handed the Commander the file and placed the rest on the desk in a rather large stack. He walked back to his desk, and called the Gunny to update him. "Shit!" Harm's voice rang out as both the Gunny and Tiner moved into the Admiral's office. Harm was on the floor, picking up the large stack of files that had fallen. The Gunny bent to help the Commander and noticed the rather apparent shaking in the man's hands. "I'm sorry. I can get this Gunny. Just seem to be fumble fingers today." The Gunny backed off, letting the Commander clean up his own mess. The phone rang and Tiner picked it up. "Sir? It's Captain Rogers from Pearl. He wants an update on the Klosen trial." Harm looked at the mess in front of him. "The file's here, isn't it?" "Yes, sir. Why don't I help you find it?" "Tell the Captain that I'll call him back in five minutes." Harm picked up the phone in front of him as he read yet another file. He was seriously out of the loop, had been since he had gotten sick, and now he had to catch up. "Commander Rabb." Harm's voice shook a little. "Rabb, what the hell are you doing there that late at night?" The Admiral's annoyance played across the phone line. Harm looked at his watch. 2315. Great sick, tired, and caught. "Sir, I was just catching up on some paperwork." "Go home, Rabb." "I was planning to, sir." Harm let the silence stretch out like taffy. "Sir? Why did you call?" "I was going to leave a message for Tiner. I'll be back on Monday." "I'll give him the message." "Has the Colonel checked in yet?" "No sir. I don't expect them to call til tomorrow at about 0800, sir." "Wish her luck for me, Commander." "Will do, Sir. Any last instructions?" "About your meeting tomorrow with the SecNav." "Yes, Sir." "Don't let him see you sweat." "Is that literally or figuratively? Cause I've been having these hot flashes recently." Harm trailed off, his smile widening on his face. "Goodnight Commander." "Night, sir." Harm was still smiling as he hung up the phone. Cleaning the desk wasn't hard; everything went into the inbox. Harm sighed as they pulled the IV out of his arm, he felt drained and exhausted. He also felt sick to his stomach, a feeling unrelated to the overwhelming perfume of the nurse extracting the needle. "Now Mr. Rabb, I want you to lie still for half an hour. Doctor William's said she'd be in to see you then." The nurse's tinny voice grated on Harm's ears. Harm closed his eyes against the early morning activities being carried out in the room. He heard the door open. "Commander Rabb?" Harm opened his eyes and turned towards the door. Gunny Galindez stood in the doorway in civilian clothes. Harm licked his dry lips and weakly whispered. "Gunny?" "Sir, the Admiral asked me to come pick you up and to take you home." "Not home, back to Jag." The Gunny moved aside as a man entered the room and headed for a bed. The man nodded casually at them. "Sir, the Admiral specifically said home." "I promised that I would settle a dispute with Imes and Mattoni, so I'll go clear that up and then head home." Harm closed his eyes. "Do I know you from somewhere?" The other man looked between Harm and the Gunny. "Gunnery Sergeant Galindez." The Gunny held out his hand for the other man. "Harm." "First Lieutenant Marcus Elsby." "Elsby? Didn't I have you at Quantico?" "Yes, sir. I think you did. A refresher course on the handling of certain weapons." Harm smiled as the Gunny and the man caught up on the happenings in the Marine Corp. "Well Commander Rabb, lets have that argument you put on hold on Wednesday." Doctor Williams walked in, pulling her long hair into a ponytail. "Let's not and say we did." Harm replied back. "My ride's here." Harm motioned towards the Gunny. "I see you've told your friends." "Actually Ma'am. The SecNav told us." The Gunny put in. Harm rolled his eyes. "Did you tell the SecNav or did the Admiral?" The Doc asked. "I did." "That's good. Now when are you going to tell your mother?" "That's not going to happen, Doc so just stop harping." "Alright. Now about this extra prescription, I'd really like you to reconsider your decision. I have some more information on it. Why don't you read it over when you have time and get back to me next week? I really think it'll improve your chances of survival. I'd hate to loose you, because you were being stubborn." Harm stared quietly at her. It was the first time she had ever mentioned that he might not make it. And she had blurted it out in front of the Gunny and his friend. "I thought you said you weren't going to let me die, Doctor." "I said that you had a high survival rate. I'm not giving up on you." "And just because I don't want to be a vegetable that means that I'm giving up." Harm swung his legs over the side of the bed. "You listen here. I am a naval aviator. I do not except less than the best from myself. I will not die, because Dammit! I'm driving the bus. Now I'm not going to turn my life into some kind of sob fest simply because some test results came back positive. I have survived KGB agents playing with my head, a trip to a Chinese prison garrison and interrogation, two prison breaks, one from Iran one from Iraq. I have hung from the edge of a helo. I have taken part in a Halo jump with a group of Navy seals. Do not profess to know my limits or me." Harm stood gathering his stuff and the papers she had laid before him. "Excuse me, Doctor." Harm left the room, only returning to glare at the Gunny who was still in shock from Harm's outburst. The Gunny left without saying goodbye to his shell-shocked friend. Outside, Harm let go of the adrenaline that had propelled him out of the hospital. Before he could get the door open, he slid down beside the car, tired. The gunny rushed to catch him before Harm hit his head. Opening the door, he wrestled the Commander into the seat, having to push the seat all the way back to accommodate the man's long legs. "Mac?" "Excuse me, Sir?" "When does Mac come home?" "I don't know, sir." "I wish Mac were here." "Yes, sir." The Gunny strapped Harm in, and headed out of the parking lot. The gunny looked at the Admiral's door. He could still hear the raised voices of Imes and Mattoni. They had been in there for an hour; no doubt the Commander was ready for a break. The phone rang. The Gunny answered it. "Jag Headquarters, Gunnery Sergeant Galindez speaking." "This is Colonel Mackenzie." "Yes, ma'am." "I'm just calling to let you know, I should be in on Monday. Commander Keeter has volunteered to fly me back in an F-14." "Ma'am, I thought I heard rumors that you didn't like flying in F-14's." "I need to come home, Gunny." "The Commander was asking about you ma'am." "Harm?" "Yes, ma'am. I picked him up at the hospital this morning." "What did he want?" "I believe, ma'am. He just wanted your presence." "Thank you, Gunny. You'll pass along the information?" "Yes, ma'am." They both disconnected, feeling like they should have said more. But what needed to be said, couldn't. "GUNNY!" Caroline cried. The gunny raced into the room, seeing the Commander shaking in the Admiral's chair uncontrollably. Caroline Imes was just standing there stunned while Mattoni was trying to pick up the files that had scattered on the floor. "I'm fine." Harm's voice chattered with the shaking. "It'll go away in a minute. I'm fine. I'm fine. Just give me a moment." Harm was holding his body tightly with his arms. The sporadic movements were jiggling the water on the desk. The Gunny came around and embraced Harm, hoping his strength could lessen the violence. "Harm do you have any anti- convulsants?" There was a long pause, as Harm continued shaking. Was the Commander trying to nod his head? "Yes, in my office drawer." "I'll get it." Caroline raced to get it. Harm continued to shake, while Mattoni looked on helplessly. Caroline came it with seven bottles in her hands. "Which one is it?" The three healthy people looked at the bottles feebly. "It's nego.nego something." Harm said. "Little blue pills." Caroline looked at the bottles, coming up with three little blue pills. "Which ones? Royal blue, cerulean blue or powder blue?" "Huh? They're blue." Harm's shaking started to slow down. The Gunny lessened his grip. The shaking subsided slowly, Harm taking deep breaths, still holding his arms close to him. "Sir, perhaps on Monday, we should label your medication." The Gunny said, as Harm straightened his suit, tremors running up and down his frame. "We'll see what Monday's like." Harm said non-committal. "The Colonel just called. She is coming home this weekend. She said something about an F-14." Harm nodded. Caroline smiled slyly. Then watched as Harm almost spilled his water bottle trying to take a drink. "Harm, why don't you go home? This can wait." "No I'm alright. We can finish up and then I'll go home." Harm straightened in the seat and repressed a yawn. Mac pulled up next to Harm's apartment building. She just wanted to see if he needed anything before she headed home to sleep. She knocked on the door and waited, but no one answered. Taking a chance she opened the door with her spare key. The apartment was well lit except for the bedroom, where Mac saw Harm's body twitching. Walking closer, she heard the soft ragged sounds of his breathing, the occasional word thrown out "I don't believe you. My father was in Nam. Drugs, got to get them out of me." Mac didn't know what he was talking about. She set down her purse and went to smooth Harm's dreams. Touching his forehead she found it warmer than usual, sweat dripping off. His pillow was littered with dark strands of his hair, and his arm flung out in an angry slash. "Got to get them out of me. I can't think." Harm tossed again. Mac gathered him in her arms, and held him close. "Shush, Harm. I'm here. Nothing will happen to you. I'll protect you." Mac murmured to him as he lay in her arms, his breathing settling into normal breaths. Mac held him, humming to him and he started to cry. Before long he was sobbing, his body shaking. "Everything is going to be fine, Harm. Trust me." She smoothed his hair down, barely noticing the dark strands she wiped away. "Nothing is ever going to be fine, again." Harm sobbed. "Yes, it is. I promise." "No, I'm too late." "No, you're not. I promise Harm. You're going to get better and then you'll be whipping my six in court again." "No, it's not that. I'm never going to have a family, Mac. No one to save from their nightmares, no one to love." "Yes, you are." Mac pulled him closer. "Mac. Chemo kills sperm. No children. No wife." "It's only temporary. Children are not necessary for a good marriage, you know." Mac looked at Harm's back. He was asleep again, she stayed to make sure he didn't have any more nightmares and then slipped from his bed. Tears slipping down her own cheeks as she walked out of Harm's apartment. Harm turned over in bed, tears still pulsing from his eyes. He had just made things harder on Mac, something he vowed he'd never do. Harm closed his eyes, hoping a solution would find him rather than Lishi and her drugs. Harm sat on the stairs in the Jag head office, gasping for breath. Three flights, I can't even make it three flights. Harm tried to wipe the sweat pouring off his forehead. His hand shook with the effort. Not sick, not sick. Hearing the soft thuds of footfalls, Harm looked up to see Petty Officer Tiner happily tramping down the stairs. "Sir? Hold on. I'll get help." Tiner rushed back up the stairs. "Petty Off.Tiner!" Harm called weakly, but Tiner was gone. From above panicked shouting could be heard. "Commander Rabb's collapsed on the stairs. I need help!" Harm rolled his eyes and pulled himself into a standing position. Grabbing his briefcase, he started up the stairs slowly, so he wouldn't overtire. A thunderous herd of Jag lawyers came into view, impeding all movement on the steep stairs. Harm counted heads. Everyone was present. Tiner, Gunny, Mattoni, Imes, Mac and the Admiral. The only one missing was-- "Make way I have the med kit. I said MAKE WAY!" Bud came barreling through the group. Everyone stopped; in fact Harm could swear the damn clock had stopped, all to stare at him. "I'm fine. I just stopped to rest." The Admiral glared at the group at large. "Colonel, help the Commander up to the third floor. We're having a meeting folks, Conference room in ten minutes." Harm's shoulders sagged in disappointment. Common knowledge, common talk. Everyone staring. Mac walked the few steps further to be on the step next to Harm. "They're already staring and talking. At least this way, we know what's going on and what to do about it." Mac watched as Harm sat back down. Deciding to join him was a little harder in a skirt. "I know I should have expected this. But I was hoping for a little time." "Time to get better?" "Time to accept it." Mac didn't know what to say to that. Two months wasn't enough time to accept it? "Everything changes Mac. The Doctor says, 'hey you have cancer.' And Boom, everything stops." Harm took a breath and looked down the stairs to the landing. "It's winning you know. Not because it's getting the upper hand. But because it has killed what little life I had before this happened." "You haven't lost your life, its simply on hold while you get better. Kinda like when you went back to flying, you just put Jag on hold." "Let's not get into that please." Harm looked at her intently. "Were you at my apartment last night?" "Was I?" Mac asked hoping to hide her embarrassment at being caught invading his privacy. "If not it was a dream." "What did I do?" Mac wiped a bead of sweat from his temple. "You held me. Thank you. I . . . appreciate it." "Your welcome." Mac stood up. "We should get a move on if we want to get to the meeting on time." Harm stood up too. "Yeah. I should probably get my prescriptions too." "Would you like to tell them or should I?" The Admiral asked from the head of the table. Harm made a sweeping gesture towards the Admiral, his face closed off in slight disagreement. "Commander Rabb is suffering from Leukemia. He is undergoing treatment. The symptoms you've been seeing, the weight loss and lethargy are from the Chemo and will probably increase, as his dosage has been upped recently." "So the shaking on Saturday was what exactly?" Mattoni asked. The Admiral looked at Commander Rabb with censure. "Most people experience mild to heavy shaking due to the Chemo. I've been lucky so far. And it seems to be only the day after treatment." Harm said. The Admiral spoke up again. "Its important to understand that the Commander 's disease was caught early, that they started treatment right away. He has excellent stats for survival. He eats healthy, gets plenty of exercise. Apparently by trying to jog up three flights of stairs. And that we are easing his caseload. He doesn't need special treatment from you or the rest of the staff. We would like to keep this as contained as possible, people." "Commander Rabb could you go over the various prescriptions you have?" The Gunny asked. "Yeah little blue pill doesn't cut it." Caroline piped up. "Is there something that some one wants to tell me?" The Admiral asked with a glare at the group. "Sir." The Gunny straightened in his seat. "I want to know what happened while I was gone." "Lt. Lennies called in, Commander Rabb, helped him. Captain Rogers from Pearl called for an update on the Klosen case." Tiner put in helpfully. "Thank you, Tiner. Anyone else?" "I had a mild case of the shakes on Saturday sir." Harm said after a moment of silence. Caroline and Mattoni swallowed snickers. "Gunny!" The Admiral barked. "Yes, sir." "Would you consider the episode mild?" The admiral never broke his glare at Harm. "I would think that the Commander would be more capable of judging that, sir." "Did you or did you not, think that the episode was mild." "I wouldn't classify it as mild, no, sir." The Gunny looked away. Hating the fact he had just sandbagged the Commander. "Son, don't try to bullshit me. If you have a problem, let us help." The Admiral sighed as he leaned back in the chair. "Yes, sir." Harm's voice said yes, his eyes said over my dead body. The group knew this was going to be a battle of wills. A sick Commander against the Jag staff. The Gunny looked at the Colonel. There may be a person on the inside. Mac walked by the Gunny on her way from the courtroom. "Where's the Commander today, Gunny?" "He called in sick today, ma'am. But I haven't been able to reach him on his home or cell phone." "Are you sure he just isn't answering?" "I've been calling since 1000, ma'am." Mac's eyebrows raised in surprise. "I was just planning to go to his apartment to make sure he's alright, ma'am." The Gunny stood up grabbing his cover from his drawer. "Wait for me, Gunny. I'm finished for the day." Mac went by to inform Tiner they were leaving for the day, and then caught up with the Gunny. "I' m sure he's probably just ignoring the phone. He's been so." "Prickly like a cactus, ma'am?" "Yeah." When Mac pulled her Corvette in front of Harm's apartment she didn't shut off the car. "His car's not here." The Gunny stated the obvious. "He doesn't drive to the hospital." "Yeah." Mac pulled back out of the small parking lot, headed away from the city. "Tell me Gunny, have you ever been to Leesburg?" Mac pulled on the dirt road to the small airstrip cursing what the bumps must be doing to her suspension. Beside her the Gunny looked ready to tell her they needed a Hummvee. "I don't know how he did it." "Ma'am?" "Harm used to have a 68 'vette." "Maybe the bad weather recently ruined the road." "Maybe." Or maybe he just knew how to avoid all the bumps and holes. When they caught sight of the hanger, Mac slowed down, scanning the parking lot. "He's here. Do you see a yellow plane in the air, gunny?" Mac said trying to drive and search the sky. The gunny began looking also. "No, ma'am. You don't really think he'd go flying in his condition. Wait, is that it?" Mac stomped on the brakes and looked in the direction the Gunny was pointing. Sure enough, Sarah hung in the air, like a Christmas tree ornament. "I'm going to kill him." Mac sped up on the road and yanked the car into a parking spot. The Gunny could barely keep up with her as she passed a mechanic's butt hanging out of another older bi-plane. Sarah touched on the ground with a harsh thump and the taxi was anything but smooth. Mac was really steamed by the time the man had crawled down from the cockpit. That wasn't Harm. "She needs a little work done. She's still pretty smooth, though." The man yelled at the Hanger. Mac turned to look, noticing Harm crawling out of the older bi-plane. "You nearly killed her there on the landing. When was the last time you flew one of those, in WWII?" Harm called back. "You watch your tongue boy. Or I won't let you play anymore with my toys." The old man walked past Mac and the Gunny, nodding at them. "You did notice you had visitors didn't ya, Harm." "I was hoping they were for you." Harm smiled at them suddenly. "To what do I owe this honor, Colonel, Gunny?" "I was worried when you didn't answer your phones." Mac watched as Harm patted his belt area, coming up empty. "Sorry. I must have left it in the car." Harm smiled. "Jimmy would you show the Gunny, Sarah? I don't think he's seen her before." "No sir. I haven't." The gunny allowed himself to be led away by the older man, who started rattling off statistics. "Mac, I don't need your concern. Yes I called in sick. So what. I've felt sick for a while. It's Friday. I don't get a lot of spare time to come here anymore." "I almost kicked your six when I saw Sarah in the air." "Jimmy took her up to tell me how she was running." "You should have let one of us know where you were going so we wouldn't be so worried." Mac said quietly. "I AM FINE!" Harm stormed away from her, towards his car. She caught up easily. "Oh no you don't." She stopped him with a hand on his arm. "You aren't going to walk away from me again." Mac spun him to face her. "Yes, you are well considering your condition, but we all worry about you. You aren't allowed to just not answer cause you don't want to. It's not an option anymore." "I just want to be left alone." "You want to pretend you're not sick." "I can't pretend that, Mac. I'm a little sick from the chemo; I'm losing weight and hair. This isn't something I can ignore. But I wish that everyone else would." "Why?" "I don't know why, cause it makes me feel better." "Why?" "You're starting to sound like 5 year old." "Explain to me why it makes you feel better to have everyone ignore the fact that you're sick." Mac waited but he didn't answer her. He looked at the ground, at the field, the trees, but not at her. "Why, Harm? Cause you feel in control? Cause then we let you suffer in silence? Hey look at me." Mac grabbed his face with her hand and turned him towards her. "Why?" Mac kept her hand on his face. He hadn't shaved this morning. She ran her thumb up and down in a stroking manner. "Because I feel like I'm pulling my own weight. Because I know that I'm on equal footing." "Even if your not?" "Why shouldn't I be?" Harm asked pulling away from her hand. "Because you shouldn't have to fight your disease and your colleagues." "I have to get going if I'm going to be on time for my appointment." "Let me get the Gunny and I'll go with you." "I'd rather you not." Harm started to walk away. "Harm." He turned to look at her, his face soft, but still closed off. "At least to your apartment." He nodded. Mac called the Gunny, gave him her keys and climbed in next to Harm in the Lexus. Mac sat on the bed, next to a bag Harm was packing. CD player, CD's, laptop and case files. Barf bags for on the way home, and enough cash to pay for a cab there and back. "Why won't you let me take you and pick you up?" Mac asked again, as Harm sorted through his drawers to find something to wear. "Cause I said no. Just leave it at that Mac." Harm tossed some clothes on to the bed. "Hey." Mac stopped him with hand on his arm. "I'm your best friend, cut me some slack." Harm's mouth opened in anger, and suddenly closed. Mac watched as yet again Harm cut off himself from the emotions that roiled within him. "The taxi will be here soon." Harm turned away and pulled off his t-shirt. Mac watched him, his powerful arms thinner but still as muscular. The ginger way he slid the shirt down past the IV bruises. Two minutes later he was fully stripped and pulling the sweats from the bed. As he pulled on the t-shirt, Mac snagged his flannel. She held it for him to put on. Harm leaned down; within moments Mac had him sprawled on the bed. His arms tangled in the flannel's extra fabric. She lay down next to him, caressing his face. "Now listen up flyboy. There are a hell of a lot of people who love you. Who don't want you to die, who don't want you to go through this alone. Shutting them out doesn't mean that they stop worrying. They won't ever stop worrying because they love you. Do you understand?" Mac watched his face crumble before her eyes. Her fingers no longer caressing, but wiping gently at the lines that formed on his face. "Do you understand?" He nodded. His eyes closed. Mac leaned in close and kissed his forehead, gathering him into her arms. Hugging him. His arms fought to get out of the flannel. She helped him and then he was holding her tightly. His face buried deep in the hollow of her neck. She pressed a kiss to his temple. Lifting his face softly, she splattered kisses along his cheek and jaw line. He pulled away from her kisses and just held her. There was a knock on the door. Harm lifted his head. "I'll be right down." Harm got off Mac and pulled on his flannel. "Harm." He turned to look at her. "Please let me go with you." "Doctor Williams?" The nurse called as Dr. Williams past the station. She stopped. "Yes?" "We had a bit of a problem with your outpatient, ma'am." "What kind of problem?" The Doctor asked suspiciously, visions of him pulling out the IV dancing in her head. "He had an enormous amount of visitors, ma'am." "Excuse me? Commander Harmon Rabb?" "Yes, ma'am the quiet one. Three of them were waiting for him when he got here; he brought a woman with him. And shortly afterward, four others showed up." "So he had eight people visit him? I know that's kind of unusual, but I don't see the problem." "They never left ma'am." "Excuse me?" "The Admiral told me that he had commandeered the room and that he was giving the orders. They're all still in there." The nurse trailed off as the Doctor took off towards the outpatient room. Sarah Williams opened the door quietly. Harm turned his head towards her, with his usual smile. Around the room, people lay sprawled in chairs; in beds anywhere there was space. On the bed, her head at the foot, Harm massaging her feet with his right hand, was a gorgeous woman, wrapped up in what could only be Commander Rabb's shirt. The Admiral lay sprawled next to Harm in a chair. A couple snuggled on one of the other beds. And on Harm's chest rested a one-year-old baby, softly sucking on a passafire. "They're asleep. Don't wake them." Harm whispered hoarsely. William's tiptoed to the bedside. She stroked the baby's head softly. "Who are they?" "You know the Admiral and the Gunny." Harm pointed them out. "The other ones are Petty Officer Tiner, and Commander Caroline Imes. The couple on the bed is Lt Bud Roberts and his wife Lt. Jg. Harriet Simms. This is there son. And my Godson, AJ." "Any connection?" The Doc, pointed at the Admiral. "Yeah, but they didn't want to name him Albert Jethro, so they stuck with AJ." Harm smiled. "The Lady?" "I'm no lady." Mac mumbled. "I'm a marine." "My partner, Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie, and go back to sleep Mac." "I just wanted to see this. The nurse nearly had a conniption." Doctor Williams smiled at Harm, where his hand rested on baby AJ's back. "Sorry. They just appeared." Harm said quietly. "You brought me, Flyboy." Mac rolled over and laid her head on his shins, her eyes still closed. "Go back to sleep, or else, Counselor." Harm whispered. He increased pressure on Mac's feet. "That feels so good." Mac moaned. "When you're done, can I have one?" Sarah asked the couple softly. "No way. Your lucky the nurse doesn't have a multitude of bruises after she made this sailor here cry." Mac rose up to face the Doctor. Doctor William's turned to Harm. He looked humble. "She tried to put it where there were bruises." Harm removed his left arm to show Sarah Williams the large black and blue marks up the inside of his arm. "Let me see the right arm?" Sarah asked. She examined the healing flesh the yellowing where the bruises had faded. "Why don't we try next week on the other arm again?" "As long as it's not on the crook of my arm, that's good. Last time I had trouble saluting for a whole week." Harm said with a smile. "Shouldn't all these people be up? They are all military." "The sick one wore them out last night. Pictionary, battleship, charades." Mac shook her head. "They fell away like flies." "That's right Colonel, you fell asleep about, 0200." Harm said with a teasing smile. He turned to the opening door. "Shush." The nurse slowed her entry into the room, walking as quietly as possible. "Ma'am, there's a problem with Charles in two. He's bp is falling ma'am." Sarah Williams looked at Harm. "We're going to talk when I get back about that medication, okay?" "Fine." Sarah rolled her eyes. Back to one word answers again. She left the room and left word they weren't to be disturbed. "Harm?" Mac asked, as she watched him gently stroke AJ's head with his left hand, the IV hampering the movement. "Yeah." "What was she talking about?" "Nothing to worry about Mac." "That's not what I asked." Mac got up and moved to the head of Harm's bed so she wouldn't disturb the others. She snuggled under his arm. "It's nothing Mac. She wants to put me on a new stronger sedation medication. It's experimental." "And you said?" "No. I don't want to be a vegetable." Harm turned his head and stared into Mac's eyes. The urge to give in and kiss her was overwhelming. Harm looked back to baby AJ. A large hand reached over and grabbed a hold of Harm's bicep with enormous strength. It squeezed at his skin like a piranha. Harm reached around Mac and AJ in panic to release the hand, but it kept groping. He cried out in pain. Disturbing the Gunny, Bud and Tiner. Mac was trapped; stuck between Harm and Harm's arm, she tried to help, but nothing would unlatch the Admiral's hand. The Gunny jumped up quickly trying to reach the Admiral side. "Sir. Wake up." The Gunny's voice woke the others. Bud grabbed AJ off Harm's chest and handed him to Harriet, and joined the feudal attempt to make the Admiral release Harm from his grip. Harm's eyes were wide with pain and Caroline stood back with Harriet, tears forming in their eyes. The Admiral came awake with a smack of Tiner's hand. The group stood back as the Admiral's hand released Harm's bicep. Harm rolled away from the Admiral, sitting up, breathing hard. Harm tried to stop the pools of pain that had gathered in his eyes. "Could I have a minute, please?" Harm asked. The group filed out. "Commander, I'm sorry. It was a dream-" "I understand, Sir. I just need a minute." The Admiral nodded and left with the last of them. When the door had closed, Harm cradled his hurt arm and let the tears drip down his cheeks. He tried to quiet the sobs that choked him. He saw a washcloth appear next to him. Then Mac pulled him into her arms. "I feel so stupid for panicking." "Shush. Its alright." "I thought it was death." He sobbed into Mac's shoulder. "Death carries a scythe not the iron grip of a seal." Harm started to chuckle. "Sorry. The Admiral's not the only one with scary dreams." There was a knock on the door. "Commander?" Harriet poked her head into the room. "Bud and I are going to the cafeteria. Is there anything we can get you?" Harm turned slightly green. "No Harriet." He snuffled. "The others can come back in, but food is outlawed." "Yes, sir." Harriet smiled. "I though you didn't get sick." Mac asked. "The medicine isn't keeping up with the upage in the chemo." "Have you told the Doctor?" "No Miss Nosy, I haven't. I didn't know it til last week." The door opened and a nurse walked in with Baby AJ. "Sir? I have to make my rounds and." She stopped talking when she saw the outstretched arms. "Where's the rest of the group?" Mac asked as she turned away from Harm and the baby. "Doctor William's commandeered them. Actually ma'am she wanted to see you as well." Mac got up off the bed. Patted Harm's thigh and walked out of the room. When Harm was sure he was alone, he started talking to baby AJ. "Our admiral sure has a grip on him." Baby AJ just cooed at him. Harm smiled at the baby and looked for the diaper bag for a toy. "Oh well, we'll just have to make do. Do you know that old standby, peek-a-boo?" Harm covered AJ's eyes. He laughed and started gurgling. "Come on, Say Harm." AJ merely scrunched up his face. "Baby's don't generally speak til 18 months." Doctor Williams looked at AJ's happy face. "He must be spoiled." "Why do you say that?" Harm asked, his eyes still on AJ's face. "Because half the staff showed up for your treatment, so something as wonderful as this little thing." She stopped to touch AJ again. "Must gain a lot more attention. That and I suspect you being his godfather means he has toys he doesn't even know how to use." Harm smiled broadly. "When he was first born, I bought him a cast iron train set." "Let me guess. Lt. Roberts was happy." "Yeah, but Harriet wasn't. She just about shot me when I sent them a special engine car from Italy." Sarah Williams smiled. "We had a patient here once. He had to have this train set, set up in his room. He was the most popular roommate, with men." "What happened to him?" Harm asked. "He died. He was an older gentleman with lung cancer that had spread. His family donated his train to the pediatric ward." Harm looked up. "Can you make me mobile?" "Why?" "I just want to look around the floor. I never get a chance to." "Why don't I get a wheelchair and show you around. That way we can take this little guy." Doc Williams pointed at AJ. "I kinda just want to be." Harm trailed off. No he didn't want to be alone. He wanted to take AJ with him, and carrying the little boy and walking the length of the floor wasn't possible this late into the Chemo. "Alright." Sarah smiled to herself. Maybe a new way to get through to him. Number one. Admiral. Number two, and more effective, his godson. Number three and this was purely speculation. The Marine Corp Colonel. She knew the buttons to push. So Doctor Sarah Williams pushed Commander Rabb around in a wheel chair, pointing out different people and filling him in on their various jobs in the Navy or Marine Corp. It was like the Commander was psychic. He could smell the death in some rooms but not in others. He was nice and polite and he knew enough to get by in any conversation from the aerodynamics of the wobbly goblin to the mental stress placed on submarine crews. When they got to the Pediatric ward, he spent all his time murmuring gently to AJ. The children were still too sleepy to register the guest and Harm's own eyes started to droop. "About that new medicine. I was thinking. We might try it for a week and see how it goes. Can we do that?" "What changed your mind, Commander?" "I want to see AJ graduate from college. If that means being a vegetable, well maybe okay?" "Deal." "Now about those Anti nausea pills they don't work as well with the new dosage of chemo." "I heard about the shakes too, Commander Rabb." Doctor Williams said as they sped through the radiology area. "What'd they do, tell you everything?" "They're in with one of the Counselors for the Cancer wards. Sometimes the patient's family and friends need someone to tell their worries to. And Dr Parker has recently picked up a specialization in treatment of Cancer." "Parker?" Harm asked weakly. "Yes. A Lt. Cmdr. Jordan Parker. Has she seen you yet?" "Depends what you mean by seen?" Harm said with a wince. "We used to date." "Oh." Sarah winced with him. "Anyone else you've dated?" "You want a list of my girlfriends?" Harm asked sarcastically. "I meant on staff at Bethesda." "I didn't know she was at Bethesda anymore. She told me when I got back from flying that she was going to Lisbon." Harm said with a touch of bitterness. "I don't blame her really. I left for flying and not many people can handle a long term relationship with a pilot." "Don't you mean women?" "What?" "Don't you mean a lot of women can't handle long term relationships with pilots." "It's not about gender, Doctor. You wouldn't believe the amount of men that can't the separations and egos either." "Sorry. I had a relationship end badly, same problem." "I am." Harm searched for the word. "Obsessive about certain things. It can't have been easy for Jordan in the relationship." "And you don't like to talk about things. Which must have just drove the psychologist in her nuts." "Yeah I guess it did." Harm sighed. "She was mad because I didn't tell her I was thinking about going back to flying. Everyone said I chose flying over them. I couldn't explain to them why it was so important to me." "No offense Commander, but explanations are worth crap. But I'll tell you this. If you hadn't gone back to flying, you'd probably be a lot worse. The people that have regrets or wish I, or if only's. They're the ones that don't make it. The ones that anguish in the bed. What is it you told me? You're driving the bus?" "Something I told Jordan once. That after I found out my father died, I felt like I was just a passenger, that someone else was driving the bus." They reached Harm's door again. "I'll see about getting you another counselor since you had a personal relationship with Dr. Parker." "Thank you, Doctor. For the tour." Harm smiled at her as she opened the door. "Thank you, for saying more than 'fine' and 'whatever.'" Sarah Williams smiled to herself as she left Commander Rabb in bed with a sleeping AJ. Progress. We might get through to him yet, Sarah. Harm exited his Lexus and stared at the old farmhouse in front him. Having stood for at least a hundred years, it would probably stand long after he was gone. Clayton Webb stretched by the driver's side of the Lexus, his short frame creaking. "Tell me again why we had to drive your car?" Webb asked. "Cause I didn't want to make the drive in your little red hot wheels, Webb." "We could have taken Mother's car." "Webb. This is my vacation. Please don't ruin it by bitching." Harm shut his door. "Sheesh Rabb, It's my vacation too." "Why are you spending it here with me?" Harm asked, going around to the trunk and pulled out his bags. Clayton Webb joined him. "You know very well that no one else could take you and the Admiral would have decked me if I hadn't taken the time off." Clay huffed. "One thing before we go in. Insult my Grandmother, Webb, and I'll make you think the Admiral hits like a girl." Harm started towards the house. "Would you call me Clay already, Harm?" Sarah Rabb watched from the window. Her grandson had asked to come out, unusual in itself. Then he said he was driving out, not bringing Sarah, Curious. He had warned her he had been sick recently. She watched him exit the vehicle, barely skin and bones. His normal tan skin was washed white, his hair seemed thinner and shorter than usual, and his movements were angular, unlike his usual graceful manners. Her grandbaby was sick. He was going to die. She knew it in her bones, as she watched he and the other man spar. The other man, shorter and less built, was casting covert glances at his companion. Harm started for the door. Sarah dried her cheeks and walked to meet the two boys, men at the door. "Harmon Rabb, Jr. You should have called when you got to the edge of Belleville." Sarah pulled him into a hug. "Sorry Grandma, Somebody didn't wake me up until he was so lost I had trouble figuring out where we were." Harm shot a glance at Clay. "Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?" "Clayton Webb, Sarah Rabb. Clay is the special assistant to the undersecretary of state." "It's nice to meet you, Clayton." "Thank you for having me, Mrs. Rabb." Clayton Webb seemed unfamiliar with the warm country feel of the welcome and home. "Call me grandma Sarah." She turned to see Harm sitting in one of the chairs by the door. "You must both be tired, we'll get you settled, get some food in you and you can take a nap." Sarah watched as Harm's face grew green. "I'm not up for food, grandma, I think I'll just take a nap." Harm got up and hitching his bag high on his shoulder, he started up the stairs. "Well I hope your hungry, Clayton." "Yes, ma'am." "Good, cause Harm never eats much. Too skinny, don't you think?" "Yes, ma'am." "I could never convince him that his father had fat on him." "Mr. Rabb could afford the fat, he had a wife." Clay shot back, his own singular status hurtful on days like today. "Too true. Now how does some steak and eggs sound?" "They sound like heaven, I'm starved." Grandma Sarah entered the quiet living room, where the fire was dying into the late night. Clayton had gone to bed and when she had checked, Harm wasn't in bed. She found him spread out on the couch, earphones strapped over his ears. His eyes were closed but his breathing was ragged. "Baby?" She reached down to touch his shoulder. "Yeah Grandma?" Harm's gentle tones were raspy. "Shouldn't you go to bed? You look awfully tired." "I always look tired now, grandma." "Are you going to tell me?" She stroked his forehead, not liking the clammy feel of the skin. Harm scooted over on the couch to make room for her. Sarah sat. "I have a type of Leukemia. Right now I'm getting treatment, but it drains me." "Chemotherapy?" She asked. "Yeah." "Your Uncle Herald died of that." "Leukemia?" "No Chemo." "Chemo doesn't kill you grandma. It just makes your body fight the cancer. And I'm not going to die. I'm healthy, I eat right, and we caught it early. Really Grandma. It'll be alright." Harm scooted up on the couch and brought his sobbing grandma to his chest. "So why did you come out here if you're fine." "I needed to escape." Harm smiled. "The whole office thinks it's their job to take care of me. I haven't had a quiet night to myself in the two weeks since they found out. I got tired on the stairs at work, so I stopped and sat down to rest. Tiner ran around the whole office telling them I had collapsed." Grandma Sarah started to laugh. "Yeah you can laugh but it isn't you they look at 24 hours a day." "I love you, baby." Grandma Sarah leaned up and kissed her grandbaby. "I love you too, grandma." "Now." Grandma Sarah smacked Harm on the knee. "How about we put out that fire and go and watch a truly horrible late movie." "Sounds like fun." "Dammit!" Clayton Webb's voice drifted out of the house to where Harm sat in front of a flowerbed weeding. "Clayton. What did I say about cussing?" Grandma Sarah's voice drifted from the porch. Clay appeared on the porch, looking out to where Harm was. "I need to get back to Washington. Could you take me to the nearest airport?" "Sure, let me clean up real quick." "Stay right where you are, Harmon Rabb. After you finish that, you promised me you'd take a nap." "Grandma." "Don't grandma, me. I'll take you, Clayton." "Thank you, Grandma Sarah." "It's not a problem, now go pack." She looked down at Harm. "You're done. Get your six into a shower and curl up with a book somewhere." Harm stood up and brushed his dirty hands on his jeans. "Slave driver." "Get." Grandma Sarah pointed towards the house. Harm bent kiss his grandmother's cheek, the group all pretended not to notice the hand he had to use to stop himself from toppling to the ground. Grandma Sarah heard the light buzz of the TV. Walking to her bedroom she stopped at the sight of her grandson stretched out on her bed, topless. Three different men had graced her bed with those gray green eyes. She could still remember Harm senior climbing onto the bed in lightening storms, his five-year-old body quaking along with the tremors of thunder. Sarah wiped away a tear. She remembered lying in this bed, crying when she lost her husband and son. Her baby always had seemed invincible, though. He flew smart, he flew less often, and not in combat. Now here she was, thinking she was going to loose him to something far worse than a plane crash. Stealing his youth from his grasp, hiding life from his eyes. Draining him of all that made him her baby. She pulled an afghan from the old rocker by the door. Draping it over Harm, she lay next to him on the bed, and just stroked his hair, like she had done the summer after he had lost his dad. Harm had grown up so quickly; he had never given in to the small fears of youth. No nightmares that he admitted to, no fears of boogey men, no fear of lightening. "Grandma?" Harm's voice cut through her thoughts. "Yes, baby?" "I promise, everything will be alright." "I know, baby." "You do know that I'm going on ancient?" Harm asked with a hint of humor in his voice. "You'll always be my grandbaby. My only grandbaby." Sarah watched him swallow thickly. "Your only grandbaby." "So tell me about your Sarah." She tried to distract him from the thoughts that had tightened his back muscles. "Ummm. I haven't gotten to work on her recently, but Jimmy took her out the other day." "You let someone else go out with her?" "Some one has to keep her running smoothly." "Baby? Are we talking about Sarah?" "Yes, my biplane. You know the one I named after you." "Honey, I was talking about your Sarah. The Marine Major." "Colonel. She's a Colonel now. And she's not mine." "So tell me about your Sarah." "What's there to say? We haven't talked much since I got back from the Patrick Henry, or when we do talk, it's usually to fight." "So it sounds like you're still getting used to 6 months of separation. You get the same thing when you're married." "Yeah but it usually doesn't last for six months." "I remember there was another navy wife, Joann. She and her husband Bill would fight for the duration of his leave until he received his orders to ship out again. Then they would spend the next two days indoors." "She loves Brumby." "But he left too." "Different, he was recalled. They talk quite often, I'm told." "So you've given up." "I never tried, Grandma." "That doesn't sound like my grandbaby." "Your grandbaby is screwed up grandma." Harm sighed and rolled over to face the ceiling. She could see the worried lines across his face. "I can't seem . . . it just seems like there's something wrong with me. I've loved three different women, and none of them loved me enough to . . . I'm just screwed up, grandma." "I think Annie and Jordan were the one's that were screwed up, baby. Annie, she may have loved you. But she had had, and lost, her soul mate, and she wasn't going to risk that kind of grief. Besides, you would have only gotten leftovers. Some men never understand, leftovers aren't-- they aren't all there is. And Miss Jordan, well I want to shoot her." Harm chuckled. "If she had loved you as much as she said, she would have never asked you to choose. She would have loved all the parts of you, including the pilot." Snuggling closer to him, hugging his large body as if he was seven again, she sighed. "Baby, you're so lovable. Some day, someone will understand and love you. All of you." She looked over to see his eyes closed his breathing nearing to sleep. "Too late, grandma. Out of time." "Love never comes too late, baby." She held him to her, hoping she was right. Harm was stretched out on a lounger, untangling a ball of his grandma's yarn when the cab pulled up. He stood up with dread as the Admiral climbed out of the cab, pulling his bag with him. He handed over money and looked at the house with trepidation. "Sir, what are you doing here?" Harm moved down the steps and pulled the bag off his superior's shoulder. He started towards the house, as the Admiral followed him. "I got a few days off and I thought I'd join you." "Webb told you he left me here all by my lonesome." "Commander." The Admiral's voice was stern as he surveyed the large farmhouse, the gables and porch everything he imagined. "Harm, who's this?" Grandma Sarah stepped out onto the porch with two diet cokes in her hands. "Grandma Sarah, this is Admiral AJ Cheggwidden." Harm introduced his grandma as he moved past her into the house. "I'm just going to put his stuff in the guest room." "Thank you for having me." "Well I was surprised you wanted to come, especially when you heard Harm was staying another week." "We didn't think it was right to leave you alone." "Whose we? And what do you mean alone?" Grandma Sarah sat down and placed the soda, next to Harm's chair and motioned the Admiral into another. "We, as in Harm's friends. We're all worried about him." "And you don't think I can handle him? I've been handling him since he was four." "He's stubborn and extremely hardheaded." "Really. I never noticed, AJ." The Admiral started at this stranger using his first name. Most people referred to him as the Admiral. Or Mr. Cheggwidden. "Mrs. Rabb. We wanted to keep an eye on him." "Which is why he came out here for a vacation." "Yes, ma'am." "The only looking after your going to be doing is of the chickens. They need to be fed at Dawn and at Dusk. Understood. I'll show you tonight, but I expect you to pull your weight. Both my husbands may have been navy, but I'm not impressed by the stars, understood, Young man?" "Yes, ma'am." AJ smiled at the woman, no wonder Rabb was fearless around superior officers. Insolence ran in the family. "Now, AJ. What would you like for dinner?" Grandma Sarah smiled, just as Harm came out of the house. The woman had timing. The Admiral came awake when a loud bang clanged on the ceiling above him. His watch indigloed the time as 0236. What the hell was Mrs. Rabb doing in the attic at this time? AJ climbed out of the bed and hissed as his bare feet hit very cold wooden floorboards. It was as if the owner's not so warm welcome had extended to the house. Creeping so as not to disturb Rabb. He met Mrs. Rabb at the bottom of the stairs. "Mrs. Rabb? What couldn't wait until tomorrow?" He yawned loudly. "When I find out, I'll let you know." She started up the stairs. The Admiral realized that the bumping hadn't stopped. "Harmon Rabb, Jr. What do you think your doing? Do you know what time it is?" There was a soft pause. "You promised me, you'd sleep tonight. Get your ass down those stairs and into bed right this instance." The Admiral smiled, the woman could turn on her pig-headed grandson as well. Sweet. "I'll help you find it tomorrow, baby. No, I won't forget." "I just don't want to forget it here, grandma." Harm's voice drifted down the stairs. "We'll get it tomorrow, baby. Now you woke up the Admiral, so you get to make the tea." Harm peeked his head down the hatch from the attic. "Oh, I'm sorry sir. I didn't realize I was making so much noise." "If you can manage something a little less mild then tea, I'll forgive you, Rabb." The Admiral watched as Harm helped his grandma down the stairs, catching himself so he didn't tip them both. "I think we can do that, AJ." Grandma Sarah smiled at her guest. AJ yawned as he walked out to the fenced in area for the chickens. He could barely see in the fog laddened air. He cursed silently as he shoes slogged in the mud. He looked the five feet in front of him. A tall figure stood silently tossing seed to the chickens that clucked as they pecked at the feed. "Good morning, sir. You can go back to bed. I've got this." "I didn't know you-" AJ trailed off as he waved a hand at Harm. "You think that grandma let's me get away with anything?" Harm laughed. "I 've been feeding the chickens since I was three, sir. It was my dad's job, and now it's mine." AJ nodded. "So what are you doing up this early?" "Couldn't sleep." "Bad dreams?" AJ leaned one hip against the fencing. "No, I just want to find something, and I won't be able to sleep until I get it." "So what's so important?" "My grandparent's wedding album, and my dad's wedding album." "They're in the attic?" "No, I mean that's not just it. There's a record. I couldn't remember the name of the singer or the name of the song. Grandma used to play it for me." "So ask your grandma." "No, it always makes her cry." Harm finished his task and exited the fenced area. Muck caked to bottom of raggedy shoes. He didn't look at all like the Commander Rabb, AJ had come to know, the man who even in jeans tended to look like military. They started towards the house. AJ tripped as his foot met the stairs. Harm steadied him as he started up the steps in the dark. With instinct the man found the door and opened it to the warm and cozy kitchen. Kicking off his shoes outside. "Cinnamon bun, Sir?" Harm padded in bare feet across the warm floor. "Do you have coffee?" "Yes, sir." Harm poured two cups as the Admiral sat at the counter and watched Harm. "So today is Friday." "Yes, sir." "I assume you made arrangements." The admiral sighed as coffee and a cinnamon bun was set in front of him. Why did it seem like the Commander did most of the looking after? "Dr. Millen is coming out to put in the IV." Harm made a tray with sticky buns and two huge cups of coffee and started to the bedroom on the bottom floor. The Admiral heard the hum of the television. "Are you coming to watch the morning news, sir?" Harm asked. The Admiral picked up his own plate and mug and followed his Commander. The Admiral helped Harm up the steps to his bedroom. The Commander's steps were uneven and sluggish. "Just a few more steps Harm." "Bathroom, sir." Harm said as gritted his teeth. His face bathed in sweat. His feet faltered. "Come on, Commander. I know your made of tougher stuff than this. Dammit, get yourself to the bathroom." The Admiral gritted his teeth as Harm's weight started to slump to the ground. Grandma Sarah came up under Harm's other side. "Come on, baby. Don't give up on this. Your dad would've never given up." Harm didn't say anything to either of the taunts. Merely pushed his feet further forward. When he slid down next to the toilet, he pushed all helping hands away. "I've got it." Grandma Sarah motioned the Admiral out of the room. "He just needs a few minutes." "He shouldn't be alone." "No offense but I'm the expert where my grandbaby is concerned. He doesn't need our help. He just needs to be on his own for a few. It's the way it's always been." "What do you mean that's the way it's always been?" The Admiral asked. "Harm never told us when he was sick. He was always afraid that we would worry about him." "We are worried about him." "He knows that." Grandma Sarah went in to Harm's bedroom and started to unmake the bed. The Admiral followed, grabbing the blanket from a chair and slung it on the bed. They worked together to settle the bed. "I don't understand, Grandma Sarah." "Then you don't know my grandbaby as well as you think you do." "I'm his CO, I'm not allowed to get to close to my personnel." "My second husband always used to say, that if a CO doesn't know the men in his command then he shouldn't be in command." There was a knock on the front door. "It's not that bad, AJ. Harm is hard to get to know. He'll only let you so far. But you need to go the extra mile to know him." Grandma limbered down the stairs, a woman's silhouette was etched through the lace curtains covering the glass front door. She opened the door to a woman who she had seen only in pictures and through her baby's eyes. "Grandma Sarah?" The woman's slightly husky voice was hesitant. "You must be Harm's Sarah." The woman looked startled. Grandma Sarah looked behind her to the bag on the porch. "How long are you staying?" "I don't want to impose, I can go grab a room in town." "Sarah, dear. The only motel in the area is thirty minutes away and it's more the variety to rent rooms by the hour to roaches. Now come on in. You can help me with dinner. The Admiral doesn't eat as much as Clayton, but enough that I have trouble keeping up with his stomach." Mac felt herself being pulled into the house. She heard thumps on the stairs and raised her eyes. "Colonel." "Sir." "There is no rank in this house. Is that understood, AJ? Her name is Sarah. Your name is AJ. Do we have an understanding people?" Grandma Sarah threw looks at the two military people standing uneasily. "Sarah dear. Harm's upstairs in the bathroom. Why don't you go tell him you're here." Grandma Sarah pretended not to hear the, "Oh that will go over well." From both Sarah and AJ. "AJ would you care to help me cook dinner?" "Do you know how to make lasagna? If you have the ingredients we can have homemade Lasagna for dinner." "That sounds delightful, AJ. See I knew putting you on chicken duty would loosen you up." AJ just looked at grandma Sarah as she started for the kitchen. Mac climbed the stairs to a large airy hallway. In the middle of the hallway stood her flyboy, walking slowly towards an open door. He didn't hear her and she let him make it to the bedroom before she began to move down the hall. When she reached the bedroom, Harm was seated on a bed, looking at his shoes, but not bending over to untie them. Mac bent in front of him and began to loosen the laces. "Mac?" "Who else would untie your shoes for you?" "What are you doing here?" "So many questions." "Mac." Mac looked up to him. Her eyes were open for his perusal, the love and pain flashing across the brown puddles. "Harm." He didn't say anything else and Mac went back to pulling his shoes off. Not a word was spoken as she put his legs on the bed. He laid his head down as Mac pulled the covers over him. He just sighed when she lay next to him and wrapped him in her embrace. Grandma Sarah sighed to herself at the view of Harm and his Sarah. She held on to him, her thin arms holding him to her. For the first time since he arrived, her baby looked happy and loved. He started coughing, the sound harsh sounding in the quiet room. Sarah held him tighter. Harm's hand rested over hers. Maybe her baby would be all right in the end. Grandma Sarah went back downstairs to watch AJ make his lasagna. Harm looked down at the dark head nestled against his chest. She wasn't a dream. So who the hell was holding down the fort at Jag? Wait its early Sunday. No one really needs to be at Jag. She sighed softly, her breath fluttering over his skin. He pulled her closer to him, enjoying her warmth. She rolled over, snuggling her soft back into his side. Feeling guilty at the enjoyment of Mac snuggled up to him, Harm climbed out of bed, leaving her hunched against a warm pillow. Sneaking out of the room, Harm made his way downstairs to the stereo. To the record he had set down yesterday morning. The house was quiet and dark as Harm creped down the stairs, skipping the sixth step as he had done since he was six. It was one of the things his father had reminded him of. 'Don't step on the sixth step; we don't want to wake up grandma. She needs her rest.' Sliding softly into the living room, Harm picked up the record he had abandoned. Some little known singer his grandfather had loved. Grandma used to tell the story, how she and grandpa had glided at the Belleville ball to the sweet strains of this song. It was their song. He settled the record on the phonograph and set it spinning. Deep tones of a bass filtered quietly from the speakers as Harm lit the fireplace. "Baby?" Harm looked up to see his grandma standing in the threshold to the room; her hair still neatly pulled back, her nightgown the same floral print he remembered from his youth. "I didn't mean to wake you, grandma." "You didn't, honey. I was up. I knew it was you cause you skipped the sixth step." Harm smiled at her. "Care to dance?" Harm asked, holding his hand out to her. "I would love to." Grandma Sarah stepped into his embrace and they moved carefully in time to the music. "If you step on my toes, it'd be just like when your grandpa and I danced." She sighed softly. "You look so much like him." "Really? You never told me that." Harm said, gently spinning her. "Which the toes, or the other." "Either. You and mom tried to convince me that my dad could dance, but you never told me about grandpa." "So you knew your dad had two left feet?" "Grandma, I remember mom having ice on her feet for a whole day after dad took her dancing." Grandma Sarah laughed. "Baby, I love you." "What brought that on?" Harm brought his grandma to sway with him as the song drifted on. "You never cease to amaze me. Here Trish and I thought we were being sneaky telling you your dad could dance and you learned just for us." "If you would lie to make me into a better man why shouldn't I learn to dance." Harm said smiling down at his grandma. She looked up into the spitting image of her long dead husband and son, and for a moment, life stilled. Tears spilled down her cheeks. He moved his thumb to wipe away the moisture. "It's alright, Sarah. No need for tears." Just like Jacob. He sounded so much like Jacob. There was a creak on the stairs and Harm and Grandma Sarah looked up to see Mac watching with tears in her eyes, just above the sixth step. "You can come down, Mac." She looked up and a shamefaced Admiral emerged as well. Harm and Grandma Sarah started laughing. "Play something for them, Harm." Grandma Sarah stepped away from her Grandbaby's embrace and pulled a well-loved guitar out. She handed it to Harm as he sat on the edge of the couch. Mac sat down next to the warm fire and the Admiral relaxed into an easy chair across from Harm. Grandma Sarah walked into the kitchen to the discordant minor keys that resolved into harmonies. Her baby's deep voice danced over words smoother than warm chocolate pudding.
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