I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Premiere #12: State College

September 1, 2009

You can always count on State College for three things:

1. Penn State fielding an overrated team that loses at least one game it should win,

2. Hot girls,

3. And a great fucking time.

This trip was no different. It was one of the biggest theaters we are premiering in–State Theater holds 570–we were standing room only, and the crowd came to party. Some of the highlights from the pre-show:

Nils: “Does anyone have a good Michael Vick joke? We’ve been searching for one.”
Tucker: “The best Michael Vick joke is the one I told a few stops back, about wanting to meet Marcus and Michael Vick’s mom because I feel like that bitch will be the most permissive woman I’ve ever met. Someone has to be able to top that.”
[A bunch of hands go up]
Nils: “Does anyone have one that doesn’t involve the N-word?”
Tucker: “Look, all the hands went down.”

-This one dude stood up to tell a story, and he looked EXACTLY like Jackie Jr from the Sopranos:
Tucker: “Jackie Jr, you going to tell me all about your drug empire in Piscataway.”
Jackie Jr “Come on man, I’m not even Italian, I’m Jewish!”
Tucker: “LIAR! You are not Jewish! Look at your outfit, you’re too poor to be Jewish.”
Nils: “Prove it by showing us your circumcised penis.”
Jackie: “Get the fuck outta here!”
Tucker: “I think we should get a mic for Jackie Aprile Jr. over here, and then shoot him halfway through the movie. It’ll be just like the Sopranos.”

-To a girl in audience after she yells something out to you:
Tucker: “You go to Eastern Michigan? You couldn’t get into Michigan State?! AHAHAHA! Whatever, there are no good schools in Michigan.”
[Audience cheers, laughs]
Nils: “That’s such a cheap laugh. You are pandering.”
Tucker: “I know, especially considering Michigan is a better school than Penn State.”
[Audience boos]
Guy in audience: “Shut up!”
Nils: “Aw, someone’s getting pissy.”
Tucker: “I kid. We like Penn State. Someone has to sell us our cell phones.”

-Some guy who told an awful story:
Tucker: “I know you don’t go to school. Where did you go?”
Nils: “Prison?”
Guy: “Does University of Phoenix count?”
Nils: “Oh, you go everywhere!”

-Guy talks about how he shit his pants while walking up the stairs, trying to get to the bathroom.
Tucker: “You kept walking as you were shitting? What the fuck, you’re like my dog.”
Guy: “I get halfway down the hall and I start shitting myself, and I finally get to the bathroom, pick my shit up and threw it in the trash.”
Tucker: “Hold on, you picked your shit up and threw it into the trash can WITH YOUR HANDS?”
Guy: “Yeah.”
Tucker: “Penn State, this is you.”
[cheers]
Nils: “I feel like we’re in Kabul. And by the way, ladies, that guy is single. Anybody who is looking for a guy who’s good with his hands.”
Tucker: “What are you talking about, don’t let him finger you, you’ll get a UTI. When he walks his dog, he doesn’t take a bag — he just picks it up and flings it somewhere. Fucking Italians.”
Nils: “They’re all Jews, leave them alone! L’chaim!”

-This huge guy was telling a story about sex:
Guy: “Alright, so there I was, balls-deep in my ex-girlfriend’s ass.”
Tucker: “You actually had your dick and your balls in her ass? I saw that once on YouPorn, it was awesome.”
Nils: “I’m pretty sure his balls are small enough to fit in someone’s ass.”
Tucker: “Yeah seriously dude, take another cycle of Deca.”
Nils: “HGH isn’t illegal, what the fuck, right Tommy Cheeseballs?”
[Crowd heckles guy]
Nils: “Alight, let little Caesar finish his story.”
Tucker: “Pizza pizza!”
Guy: [says something totally unintelligible.]
Tucker: “Does someone have an Guido-to-English dictionary? I can’t understand what the fuck this dude’s saying. Get to the punchline Mario.”
Guy: “So the punchline is, I have to take her to the hospital next morning. I broke her hip. She was in crutches for six weeks.”
Tucker: “You fucked a girl so hard in the ass that you broke her hip?”
Guy: “Yeah man!”
Tucker: “Dude, you should be nicer to your grandmother, that’s fucked up.”

-This girl gave a guy a blowjob, got lockjaw:
Tucker: “What, did he stab you with a rusty nail?”
[Girl hyperventilates, is making retard noises because of the lockjaw]
Girl: “And at the hospital I’m like, “Guhhh uhh huh.”
Nils: “Guhhh uhh I go to Penn State. How is that different from what’s coming out of everyone else’s mouth?”

-This one obnoxious and annoying girl was talking over people the whole time, and finally, Nils had enough and called her out:
Nils: “CAW CAW CAW! Shut your whore mouth! I know we passed bald eagle state park on the way in here, I didn’t know we let one of you in. Jesus christ. Shut up!”
[crowd erupts in cheers]

But this was not the end of the funny. So many other things happened after the screening:

-During the press interviews on the bus afterwards, Nils went into the bathroom on the bus. There is a little lock on the door, and apparently Nils did not know this, because there is jiggling on the handle–from the inside mind you–and all of the sudden he bellows in his deep baritone, “I’M LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM!,” and starts pounding on the door. Egg on his face when he figured that one out.

-This one girl looked so much like Eric Bana it was creepy. I kept yelling “FIRE EVERYTHING!” at her. I don’t know if she got it.

-At the bar, some bought a round of car bombs that was legitimately the smallest and weakest car bomb I’ve ever seen. Nils said, “What the fuck? That was a Le Car bomb.”

-This girl at the bar did not believe that Charlie was actually Charlie Hoehn. Like, in her mind, Charlie is so famous that she couldn’t process that he would be there talking to her. He had to show her his ID, credit cards, everything in his wallet before she’d believe him, like she was a bank or something. She had no problem believing I was there, but not Charlie. Apparently in her mind, Charlie is the real star. She was a bitch and a whore, btw.

-This one girl was really drunk and kinda annoying all night. Dawes got rid of her with this little exchange:
Bill “I heard you had herpes.”
Girl “What?!? Who told you that.”
Bill “It’s all the buzz in the bar. Don’t worry baby, with the life I live, I look at herpes like a skateboard looks at a skinned knee.”

And exit drunken slut.

-I did have a low point of the night thought: I was sitting on these stairs in the bar talking to a really cute girl, but I got up for a second to take some pictures with fans. When I turned back around, fucking Charlie Hoehn had snaked the cute girl and was sitting in my seat. In a fit of pure, unadulterated sexual jealousy, I kicked him right in the back. Kinda hard. Like, the only thing missing was me yelling, “THIS IS SPARTA!” I felt bad about it, so I immediately told Charlie he was fired. He stopped thinking about his back real quick.

-I made it up to Charlie though, sort of. I immediately re-hired him, and gave him a task to do. There was a virgin standing outside [more on that below], and I told Charlie to go tell him something. Then I grabbed the bouncer:

Tucker: “Do not let that guy back in the bar, no matter what.”
Bouncer: “Doesn’t he work for you?”
Tucker: “Yes. Here’s $40, just do it.”

I sit back next to the cute girl and start laughing. Not even five minutes later, Charlie and the bouncer come back in, and the bouncer hands me my $40:

Tucker: “What the fuck??”
Bouncer: “Dude, I couldn’t do it. He was so upset and confused, he was about to start crying.”

Fucking with Charlie is so fun.

-At the end of the night, there were two girls that were kinda vying to go home with me. There was a really hot blond girl, like seriously smoking hot, but she was playing the “I’m too sexy for this shirt” game. Not the best play with me. Then there was another really cute girl, also blond, like a year or two younger and very fun and eager. She was the type you just KNOW likes to fuck. I would have been down with either, and I was willing to let everything play out, but of course Bill Dawes decides to fuck with me. I go to the bathroom, leaving the two girls sitting there with an empty chair between them. Bill goes up to the cute one and says:

“I don’t think you’re going to win this one, Baby Fat. You better step up your game.”

She gets a panicked look on her face and races to the bathroom to find me. Inside, she gets her friend to promise to sleep with Jeff if I fuck her. With that in pocket, I go back to the table and sit next to the super hot one:

Tucker: “You coming home with me or not?”
Hot girl: “Let’s stay here for awhile, see what happens.”

Don’t check raise me honey. I will come over the top and go all in, and I always have the better hand.

I tell the cute on to call a taxi for us, and when the hot one was in the bathroom, I leave with the cute one. The hot one comes back and sits down, to find Dawes in the seat I used to occupy.

Hot girl “You can’t sit there, that’s Tuckers seat.”
Bill: “Not anymore. He just left with that other girl.”

Bills description of her facial expression: “Like someone who just saw a puppy get run over.”

Ladies, there’s a lesson here: Playing games and acting like a coy bitch works with a lot of guys. Not with me.

-As we were leaving the bar and getting into the taxi, someone yelled out to the cute girl, “You’re going to be famous!”

-After we hooked up, she said this:

Cute girl: “I have never hooked up with a guy outside of a relationship.”
Tucker: “Um hello–we aren’t dating.”
Cute girl: “You don’t count, you’re not a real person.”

-The next morning in the lobby:

Nils: “What’s your girls name?”
Tucker: “Wait–shut up, I know this one!”

The Virgin Sophomore

There is a story from last night that must be told. The story of The Virgin Sophomore. This exchange happened during the pre-show when a fat, nerdy looking kid stood up to tell a story:

Bill: “Alright, now we have a story from a real playa.”
Tucker: “Dawes, poke him in the stomach, see if he giggles.”
Guy: “I’m a virgin.”
Tucker: “You’re a virgin? If that’s your story, stop there — you win.”

He then proceeds to tell this hreatbreaking story about when his friend threw up on him when he was going to hook up and lose his virginity, preventing it.

Bill: Let’s cut to the end. How did you dispose of the body?
Nils: Did you eat it?
Tucker: Come on guys, he has the balls to stand up in front of 600 people and admit he’s a virgin. How old are you man?
Guy: 18. And I’m a sophomore.
Tucker: Holy shit.
Nils: How many free t-shirts will it take for a girl here to hook up with him tonight?
Tucker: I’ll tell you what — any girl in here who wants to hook up with him, I’ll hook up with you first if you promise to fuck him after.
Nils: And the crowd goes wild!
Tucker: He’s a sophomore at Penn State. If he can’t get ass a whole fucking year at a state school, then clearly Tucker Max has to intervene!
Nils: And what you need to understand is that he will be eager as a motherfucker, he’ll do whatever you want. I mean if you like after-the-gym, no-shower ass play, I’m pretty sure that guy is gonna dig in.
Tucker: I want you to stay around after, I’m going to hook you up tonight. Any of you ladies who want to hook up with him, let me know — I’m going to play matchmaker tonight. I’m not leaving State College until he gets pussy.

And man did I try. We had the dude sit with us at the table during the signing, asking every girl if she would fuck him. No takers. He was too young to get into the bar, so he stood outside and watched through the window as I literally asked EVERY SINGLE FUCKING GIRL in the bar if any of them would fuck him. I did everything but offer to pay them. No takers. It was crushing my soul. All these girls were offering to fuck me, but none would fuck him. I really thought I had one girl on the hook, but she had a boyfriend. I was sitting at the sex buffet with someone outside starving, and I couldn’t even bring him a plate.

Eventually, I told him I couldn’t do it: I failed at getting him ass. He said it was cool, thanked me and left. Then se sent me this today:

From: Devon Edwards <edwards.devon@gmail.com>
To: Tucker Max <tuckermax@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, Sep 1, 2009 at 1:08 AM
Subject: I’m the virgin

Tucker-

I just wanted to thank you for tonight. Even though I didn’t get laid, I had one of the better experiences of my life. I got to chill with you and Nils for an hour, to be in your tour bus, and fuck, to have one of the best pick up artists on the planet as my wingman. I know you did your best, and honestly, that’s way more than I would’ve ever experienced. When I prefaced my story with “So I’m a virgin…” I expected to get ripped on, fucked with, and maybe get a mention in the tour blog. I never would’ve thought you’d make it your personal goal to try and get my cherry popped.

It probably sounds fucked up, but standing outside of a bar for an hour tonight was one of the best hours of my life, just to know that there was some random stranger who cared that much about my lack of pussy to ask every girl in a bar if they’d fuck somebody they didn’t know. Hell, if you’d succeeded, that would’ve been pretty fucked up. It was as much a case as me being a dog chasing its own tail. I probably wouldn’t have known what to do with a girl even if you’d thrown one my way. I don’t know whether anything will come of this whole night, of you putting me up there on your blog. It really doesn’t matter. It’s as much the entirety of the journey, for me, as it is the ultimate reward.

You, Nils, and everyone in your crew are absolute class acts, no matter what anyone says–not like you’d give a shit anyway. What you all did tonight is among the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me out of pure selflessness, and it really means a lot to me that you went out of your way like that. Fuck Pennsylvania and its bullshit laws, that’s all I can say. I wish there was some way I could repay you, but the best I can do is to see your movie again when it comes out, and to get all my friends to see it.

You deserve all the good that has come from the book, and the movie, which truly exceeded my expectations. You made a hell of a film. But more importantly, you’re really a great guy, and after tonight, I’m proud to call you my friend.

Thanks again,

Devon

Ladies, below is a picture of Devon (posted with his permission). He is not the hottest guy ever, but he’s a nice kid, and very smart. That’s his real email address up there, if you want to get to know him and then maybe have sex, feel free to contact him. Maybe you can succeed where I failed.