at the closet door

by Anonymous

I spent the first few years of my life living in the rural areas and refugee camps of Zimbabwe. My only experience of a city/town was Gaborone. I had not been to any other city. I was living with my grandma and my 2 brothers. When I eventually moved to the city at the age of 11, to live with my mom who had returned from war (she was in the army), everything suddenly became different. From the language I spoke to the clothes I wore, the games we played and the music we listened to. Having been brought up just amongst boys, and with the rural background of herding (cattle, goats) and veld fights, I was a tough little girl. My brothers' clothes were passed down to me, as there were no sisters for me.

So in the city I was this tomboy, with people always asking my mom how her 3 boys were doing…sometimes she reminded them I was a girl, and yet often she let it pass. It didn't bother her and, besides, it kept bullies far away from me. When they saw me in the school uniform, then I suppose it threatened them more having initially thought I was a boy. Going to an army school didn't really help with my sexual identification, but I was happy the way things were. At least I didn't have to have a Church dress! After school one would always find me at the Sergeant's Mess, sparring with a soldier or two while waiting for my mom to knock off. I was the captain of my Volleyball team because of my discipline…heck, I was so afraid of that army belt even though it never touched my butt not once.

At age of 12, I found myself surrounded by nothing but girls. I was in a girls-only school with a strict British conduct - straw hats, blazers and nametags. My older cousin was a prefect in her last year, and she also excelled in sports. So even there I was feared/adored for that. Mostly the girls were talking of this boy or that but I was never really interested. I had a few older girls hanging around me because I looked like this guy that used to teach there…even my cousin acknowledged the amazing resemblance (cute!). This resemblance won me my first kiss ever, on my 13th birthday, from a girl a year my senior. It was so great, I wanted more…and more I got. She was apparently involved with the only woman I had ever heard of in that town as a lesbian. My society was/is very homophobic. At this stage my hormones were really on the loose… She took me for a round trip on skills. It was easier because we lived in the same hostel and in the same dormitory. It was her last year in school, so I found myself another girlfriend in the hostel.

The other kids saw it, but ignored it until the news leaked at the main school and I was summoned in front of the whole hostel to tell the story of my life. Of course, I denied every bit of it. It would have meant being expelled from one of the best schools in the country and it would have destroyed my mom. So my girlfriend dumped me…told everyone that a demon had come over her. I was not allowed to ever wear anything male-ish around the hostel, otherwise it would "awaken the demon" (so the cook-matron said). Seems like I started a revolution because I saw quite a few kids "try it out". Eventually kids from other schools and everyone was getting excited, wanted a piece of the action but didn't want to be found out. Including the teachers. Yes I had a wild time with my co-basketball coach. She was one hot number herself! You can then imagine, I always made the first 5 in the team (she made sure I excelled) and I went to every trip too! Nothing out of the ordinary, this was a teacher who had discovered "raw talent". That wasn't the easiest year for me, it was my final year at school and I had to make it. In as much as I thought I was having fun, I also feared for my life. If all this information got into wrong hands, I would be turned into mincemeat. The fact that I lived in the suburbs helped because out there in the location, word would have just gone around so fast and people have a tendency of being nosy. Out of school I found myself a darling who also didn't want a scandal like that around her name, but could not resist. So we kept it a secret. She had a boyfriend, that drove me crazy, but I had to pretend I liked them. Had a few short-term secret affairs, I suppose to cool off the frustration of my darling having a man. I tried going out with boys, but it would all end just because my pants were hard on my waist. I was your normal tomboy up till I left college.

Then it was time to stop the talk that maybe I wasn't normal. My younger cousins had babies already! I met a man 15 years my senior. I thought he was ideal for me. You see, I had come to believe that all women will eventually end up with a man and then I would grow old and be lonely. With this man I also wouldn't have to comprehend the stress younger men give (I am the committing kind). I also wanted to make my mom proud. So I moved in with him and so began a journey which I would never take on again in life. We had a kid together. We both worked very hard. We had never been friends, and when I look back now, my taking on the challenge was to create a substitute dad for myself and to hide my true sexuality or fight it whichever way. But I didn't succeed in all that because all of a sudden my real dad came into my life and the women became more gorgeous. I could not resist them. I got involved with one or two, behind his back, realised I had to get out of my union with him, but there was a lot to work out before I could get out. So with a few casualties I stayed on with him. I had reason enough to leave him, and I suppose I will with no pressure from anyone. I've had heartaches along the line.
The highlight of my lesbian love life was a love which lasted for 4 months, with a woman who's been where I am. She gave me all the confidence in the world. I set the wheels of change in motion, and for the first time leaving my husband seemed like it was long overdue. But I still had to make sure, balance out the possibilities and create some kind of platform for myself because the circumstances around this woman were not too different from my current situation.

Unfortunately the time-span I asked for was too long for her and she fell in love with another. Why was it a highlight? you may ask. I found myself comfortable enough with her to come out. To introduce her to my family. I am still not fully out. For some reason I have believed that I will tell my mom when and if I meet a woman whom I believe is in it for life with me. I don't want to cause my mom stress and heartache for just a passing wind. I love women, and am sure when I eventually come out of my current situation, there is a potential out there to get/meet someone who will explore with me this awesome adventure - Life.

(Editor's note: Since we received this piece, the writer has in fact left her husband, to start over life in another country. She still has no girlfriend, but there are many to choose from where she has gone! We wish her all the best.)