LIVING THE GAY LIFE

Source: Shirley Genga and Matilda Nzioki (The Standard)

KENYA – 13 October 2009: Websites, underground parties and the organisation GALK (Gay and Lesbian Coalition of Kenya) are proof that the gay lifestyle is here to stay.

Celebrities, politicians, socialites and indeed an entire new college-and-post college generation have embraced a lifestyle that, a mere ten years ago, was something of a novelty. And ten years before that, seen as abomination in Africa.

It seems the number of gay FM radio presenters, as well as outrageous celebrities, have added to the gay buzz in Kenyan towns.

The World Social Forum held recently at Kasarani, is a case in point. Gay and lesbian groups sent representatives to the event. However, a mob of gay-haters thought it was kisirani and assaulted one of the gay rights advocates after she’d spoken candidly of her ‘candy choices’ at a premier TV station in the CBD, last year.

Through the internet and social organisations, gay Kenyans from all walks of life find advice and solace in each other. In the late, MJ’s words, they are not alone.

Secret lifestyle 

Mike,* a 25 year old writer describes how he was recently invited to a party hosted by a friend of a friend. At the beginning of the bash, he did not notice anything strange, but as the night wore on, men begun to pair up with other men and women with other women.
"It was very traumatising, my friends and I got up and dashed out without a backward glance," says Mike.

Another writer, 33-year-old Fred* remembers how a notorious lesbian artist said she was interested in getting him to see some ‘gal-on-gal’ action in his flat.

Turns out she turned up with five other female twenty-somethings, they drunk his alcohol and then went at it, hardly bothering to include him in the ‘grand coalition. The lesbo-artiste had simply used him to get a classy venue for her pals, and he was more a voyeur to perversion, than the parvenu of the action.

While some argue that a person cannot be born a homosexual, others believe that homosexuality is inborn and that no matter what a person does, if they are born a homosexual, then they will always be gay.

Twenty-one-year-old Smith*, whom we met at a gay party held last week at a city nightclub discovered he was gay in his teens. He says he had been molested sexually by his uncle from the tender age of six. During his teens, he found himself attracted to other boys.
"Children at the age of six years are usually concentrating on how to add one plus one, but I was being exposed to sex and nudity by my uncle, after my mother who was raising me as a single parent died. Even though I had been brought up in a strong Christian family I found I liked boys," he recollects, adding that no child should ever go through that.

However, after this discovery in high school, he hated himself to the point of thinking about suicide at the age of 17. "I eventually realised that the only way to be happy is to accept myself for who I was; a man who loves other men and wants to be with them," he said. Whenever someone walks up to him and asks him if he is gay today, he tells them upfront because he came out of the ‘closet’ two years ago.

Smith says it is very wrong for our society to decide that being homosexual is a choice. "Homosexuality has been shunned and frowned upon in African society to the point that most gay people are physically attacked. I do not understand how someone would willingly make a choice to be part of a group that would endanger their own life," he argues.

Ann* a Kenyan college student, agrees. She says it’s not her fault that she just doesn’t find satisfaction in a man, but in women, and does not understand why someone would victimise her for it.

Their sexual lifestyles not only affect their social interactions, but also their family relations. "My relatives know about it, but they are very discriminative. Many of my gay friends also face the same opposition," states Smith*. He just wishes they would look at him as a person, and not judge his sex life. Ann* says: "My parents do not know, but my siblings do." She however is not sure if she will tell her parents, but she prays that if she ever does, they take it positively.

in denial

Having discovered her sexual preference during her primary school years, Ann says that one can only confide in their closest friends, and even so, few will stay around. She was in denial the first time, and even insisted on dating men, but she was not happy deep down.

Sharon* a friend to a lesbian, notes that although she accepts her long-time friend as she is, she still finds it hard to understand. "At first, I thought there was a possibility of her hitting on me, and then now, there is the issue of what other people think of me when they see us together," Sharon says. According to her, it is condemned in the Bible, and all she does is to make sure that whatever choice her friend makes, it does not affect her.

Both Ann and Smith note that there is no difference between gay and straight relationships. You get cheating partners; there are break ups, and all the things that go on in a heterosexual relationship. "I have been in three serious relationships with females, and same things happen," adds Ann.

Smith as the ‘chick’ in the relationship says that his relationships never last. "Good men are hard to come by and besides, I am afraid of heart break." He also says the fact that he has a job and is stable scares men away.

He says that he has been with women before, but he would still want to be gay in his next life because he finds it more fun and thatgay partners are like-minded and understand each other better. He only attracts and hits on gay men.

They can pick each other up from a crowd, unlike the transgender or the drag queens (they dress like women and live everyday like women, feeling that they were born in the wrong gender) who are also attracted to straight men.

While others claim to be gay for life, others experiment with it while on campus or while still young just to find out how it feels. Others choose to walk in both worlds and to be bisexual (gay and straight) depending on the season they are going through.
Olivia, a lovely 30-year-old who got married three years ago, discovered her bi-sexual nature in college ten years ago "during that mad October of ’99," and although she now has a two-year-old daughter with her hubby, she still has the occasional quick fling with some ‘pretty young thing’. "I don’t think I’ll ever out-grow my ‘gay’ side, like most of my bi-curious friends have done."

love is love

Lucy a University student says she does not discriminate on either gender, that love is love.

"I have a boyfriend but sometimes I like to experiment with my best friend, depending on my mood. Sometimes people look at me like I’m weird when I tell them that I’m a bisexual. But I don’t care. I hope that just like in the Western countries, those like me are treated with respect, that one day, Kenya will treat everyone with respect and dignity," says Lucy.

According to Smith, the gay community in Kenya is larger and more vibrant than many people think. Although there are more lesbians than gay men in Kenya, gays cut across all spectrums of society. "I have been hit on by doctors, lawyers, teachers and even priests, who are Kenyans, well in their fifties," says Smith.

There is an umbrella body — Gay and Lesbians Coalition of Kenya, with many mini organisations with offices under it. They in the issue of what other people think of me when they see us together," Sharon says. According to her, it is condemned in the Bible, and all she does is to make sure that whatever choice her friend makes, it does not affect her.

Both Ann and Smith note that there is no difference between gay and straight relationships. You get cheating partners; there are break ups, and all the things that go on in a heterosexual relationship. "I have been in three serious relationships with females, and same things happen," adds Ann.

Smith as the ‘chick’ in the relationship says that his relationships never last. "Good men are hard to come by and besides, I am afraid of heart break." He also says the fact that he has a job and is stable scares men away. He says that he has been with women before, but he would still want to be gay in his next life because he finds it more fun and that gay partners are like-minded and understand each other better. He only attracts and hits on gay men.

They can pick each other up from a crowd, unlike the transgender or the drag queens (they dress like women and live everyday like women, feeling that they were born in the wrong gender) who are also attracted to straight men.

While others claim to be gay for life, others experiment with it while on campus or while still young just to find out how it feels. Others choose to walk in both worlds and to be bisexual (gay and straight) depending on the season they are going through.
Olivia, a lovely 30-year-old who got married three years ago, discovered her bi-sexual nature in college ten years ago "during that mad October of ’99," and although she now has a two-year-old daughter with her hubby, she still has the occasional quick fling with some ‘pretty young thing’. "I don’t think I’ll ever out-grow my ‘gay’ side, like most of my bi-curious friends have done."

psychologist’s view

Jane Orlago, a counselling psychologist at Nairobi Women’s Hospital says that cases of homosexuality are becoming more common, especially among youth and whether the society likes it or not, it cannot be swept under the carpet.

"I do not believe that homosexuality is innate, I believe it is environmental. Unfortunately today’s youth believe that television is the gospel truth, and easily pick up behaviours they watch on televisio.The fact that they like to experiment with anything new does not help matters," says Jane.

Jane further believes that when dealing with a child who believes that they are gay, a parent should tread softly and be understanding, if they approach the child harshly they will not help matters. Parents should try and understand where the child is coming from. This is the only way they will be able to help them.

"Taking your child for counselling in search of a solution may help. I have counselled a few gay people. Our society is conservative and I do not know if it will ever accept homosexuality as normal," says Jane.
*names have been changed.