THE UGLY FACE OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

I was rather perplexed by what I read on the amount of domestic violence that goes on in lesbian and gay relationships.

The thing is people often think that same sex relationships are better, because people can understand each other and are free to discuss and talk about anything. Truth is there are no saints, just like heterosexuals, homosexuals also have their flaws.

We always hear of crimes of passion being committed in the heterosexual world, but rarely do we hear of such in homosexual relationships. However the reality on the ground is that there is a lot of violence that goes on in same- sex relationships too.

The fact that LGBTI people live secret lives, fuels domestic violence in their relationships, which is really disturbing. For a lot of same sex couples there is a lot of violence, which is swept under the carpet for fear of victimisation, being ‘outed’, even arbitrarily arrested.

Psychological and physical abuse are the two most common forms of abuse. Issues that usually come up are jealousy, insecurity and problems dealing with one’s sexuality hence they take it on their significant other.

Many LGBTI people will recall their experiences with domestic violence in a relationship. It is mind boggling to think that as a people who face so much persecution and often exposed to violence we turn out to be perpetrators of violent acts ourselves.

I spoke to a few people on conditions of anonymity on their encounters with violence in relationships. And this is what they had to say:

"I can openly agree that for four years I was abused left, right and centre by my partner. I didn’t know where or how to report this violence. I had to resort to alcohol as a coping mechanism. My partner used to beat me over petty issues, for example, why I was talking to men or why I took long to answer my phone. Almost each month we used to quarrel and I also became violent to protect myself, whenever we had a fight I would pick a knife or bottle in self defense, said one lesbian."

"One day she threw a hot iron at me, luckily enough it rammed into the wall, from that day I stopped fighting back. I would just drink alcohol so that whenever she hit me I wouldn’t feel the pain."

Others aren’t so lucky as they still bear the emotional and physical scars of abuse.

"It’s hard enough being a woman, let alone being an African lesbian woman. If heterosexual women find it difficult to report abuse to the police, what of us lesbians?

The major challenge is how to break it to the police that my female partner beat me up over conjugal rights. You will have to think twice before you report. In such a case the best thing to do is suffer in silence or call it quits.

A 28 year old gay man share, "My bisexual partner emotionally abused me. He would shout at me and call me names in public. He used to flirt with girls in my presence. Whenever I confronted him, he would stop talking to me for days until I bought him a present as an apology, for asking him why he was hurting my feelings. I felt so helpless because I loved this guy, for three years we continued like this. We only broke up when I realised he had impregnated my younger sister before he vanished.

Another had this to say: "I am in love with my boyfriend the thing that scares me the most is how he always tells me that if I ever I should ditch him he will kill me. He is very paranoid and possessive. He wont let me hang out with friends or keep a cellphone. I feel suffocated because he is always in my face. I am afraid of breaking up with him or telling anyone our problems because we appear like a happy couple since we are always together."

In Zimbabwe, The Domestic Violence Act makes it possible for people to report their partners even without mentioning that they are in a relationship but in reality it appears that’s easier said than done. If a gay man for instance reports his partner and should the partner confess to the police that they are in a same- sex relationship, they can both go to jail under the Criminal Codification Act of 2006. This Act re-defined sodomy to mean consensual sex, or any act involving physical contact other than anal sexual intercourse that would be regarded by a reasonable person to be a indecent act. If found guilty one is liable to a fine up to or exceeding level fourteen or imprisonment for a period not exceeding one- year or both.

Faced with such harsh legislation, which criminalise homosexuality, many LGBTI people would rather suffer in silence than face the wrath of the law.

Meanwhile the GALZ Health Manager, Samuel Matsikure attributes most of the violence to mistrust in relationships.

"More often than not people do not trust each other, it might be because of past experiences or not being able to openly communicate in a relationship. Couples need to be able to communicate when they are not mad at each other. Infidelity is also another cause of mistrust, which leads to confrontation.

Matsikure added that financial abuse was common especially when the other partner was not working. "You will find that the one in control of financial resources might not buy food or pay medical bills for their partners as a way of punishing them."

The cycle of abuse is not easy to break, abusers have a way of controlling their victims and in some instances the abused party blames themselves. It only takes the victim of abuse to realise that they are in an abusive relationship and they need to get out of it. Abusers too also need to realise what they are and seek help.

He explained that for help on such issues GALZ offers couples counseling at or use referral systems where people are referred to gay friendly counse