a guide to safer sex for men who have sex with men

November 30, 2004: HIV is spread through the exchange of body fluids such as blood and semen (cum), where it is found in high quantities. It is found in tiny amounts in saliva and urine (piss) too - but these are also thought to neutralise it. Other STD/STIs (sexually transmitted diseases and infections) can spread through surface contact as well as through exchange of fluids. Reducing the exchange of fluids from one person's body to another will reduce the risk of infection. So if you don't get blood or cum in your mouth or up your ass, you are probably having quite safe sex. You can choose the level of risk you are willing to take - but the guide below will help you understand where the risks are and you can then protect yourself from infection by reducing the risks.

If possible, talk to your partner about risks and practises before you start having sex - and have the condoms and lube handy somewhere so you don't have to break off mid-shag to go and look for them. If you are having sex anonymously, and so talking does not feature - just assume that your partner is a risk to you and take the precautions you need to, to protect yourself.

quick guide
Click on the topic to take you to a fuller explanation. Where risks apply, there are precautions you can take and still indulge in these pleasures.

VANILLA (the basics)

                                                                                
HEAVY DUTY (hardcore sex and fetishes)

VANILLA

kissing
Mouth to mouth - kissing is intimate, sexy, romantic; whether gentle or passionate, kissing is all about getting to know a person through close contact; expressing without words.

Risks: There is no risk of HIV infection from kissing, even with tongues. If either or both parties have sores around, or in the mouth, or bleeding gums, then there may be a slight risk when kissing is very deep or violent. There is a risk of catching other STD/STIs such as herpes by kissing however.

Precautions: Good oral hygiene is always a good idea - brush everyday (but not just before or after oral sex), floss and use mouth wash. Also, use a lip moisturiser regularly to prevent chapped lips. If you see that a person has a sore in or around their mouth you may want to hold off on the kissing on the mouth - try kissing them on the neck or elsewhere… find out what feels good.

touching
Whether you call it frottage, body rubbing, massage or just touching - what can be better than using your hands to explore another man's body? The sense of touch may be heightened if you use oils or moisturiser - but remember that these are not compatible with condoms if you plan to fuck later. Touching is safe, erotic, fun and arousing.

Risks: There is no risk of HIV infection to either party if you touch each other all over and/or rub your bodies together. The worst that can happen is that crabs (lice) can pass from one person to the other.

Precautions: No need for precautions with regard to HIV and other STD/STIs but inspect yourself for crabs regularly - they are easy to get rid of, so if you detect any parasites, see your pharmacist and hold off on sex until they are gone.

nipple play (and other erogenous zones)
Many men have sensitive nipples - and some don't even know it! So explore with your fingers and your mouth and see how he reacts. If that doesn't work try other areas to find the right spot… under arms, ears, feet, neck, thighs, back of the knee - who knows where your man's erogenous zone is - but you'll know when you find it!

Risks: None - unless you are pulling hard or biting the nipple. Some "nipple clamps" have sharp edges and can cause minor bleeding. If bleeding occurs, stop. Do not suck on a man's nipple if it is bleeding or if there is a scab.

Precautions: Go easy on those nipples! Gently work them up - don't just grab and pull or bite, there's time for rough stuff when they are warmed up. If your nipples become dry - use a moisturiser regularly to avoid splitting.

wanking (alone)
Wanking, masturbation, jerking-off, playing the dice - satisfying that need to orgasm by using your own hand. Well at least you know what you like! Great if you also watch some porn - or maybe your imagination is enough (at least that way you get to get off with Brad Pitt or Taye Diggs whenever you like).

Risks: None - but repeated dry wanking can cause calluses to form. It's not pretty or comfortable.

Precautions: If you are a regular wanker try using some cream or oil - but not just before you use a condom.

wanking (together)
Mutual masturbation - here's where you get to practise your technique on another guy, and you get to feel his hand on your dick too. A dick in each hand or two dicks in one hand - experiment a bit. But pay attention, if you are doing something he doesn't like he'll start to go soft and you may want to change your technique.

Risks: There is a very low risk of infection if you have sores or cuts on both dicks and you are rubbing them together. If you are both clear of cuts and sores there is no risk at all. Some guys produce a lot of pre-cum - HIV does exist in pre-cum in low quantities. Warts can spread from one dick to another if rubbed together.

Precautions: If either of you have cuts or sores on your penis, or warts at the head of your penis you should wear a condom when wanking together. You'll need to use a water-based lubricant - like KY gel - to keep it slippery and erotic.

thigh fucking
Sporo via Phefeni, amaXasibe - one guy has his leg closed and the other is rubbing his dick in between them. You can be face to face or one can be behind - lying, standing up, this is an erotic and versatile way to have sex.

Risks: There is no risk of HIV infection with thigh fucking, but there is a risk of crab infection and warts could spread this way too.

Precautions: Its best if you can use some lubricant - but remember that if you are going to have anal sex (fuck) later, then the lubricant you use now needs to be water-based. If the one doing the fucking has warts, cuts or sores on his dick then he should wear a condom. If the guy being fucked has warts near his ass or at the base of his dick then the guy doing the fucking should wear a condom.

outercourse
If intercourse involves sticking your dick into an orifice (hole) then outercourse is when you keep it on the outside. This can be very erotic - aside from thigh-fucking, try belly-rubbing (rubbing your dick on a man's belly), armpit fucking, the small of the neck, toes and between the buttocks. You can experiment and find out what you both like.

Risks: Virtually no risks apart from crabs - and do watch out for sores, cuts and warts.

Precautions: Only with butt-rubbing (rubbing the dick between a man's buttocks) do you have to be careful - don't let it slip in by mistake. And if you do intend to fuck later then use water-based lubricant.

sucking
Oral sex, blow job or sucking dick - one guy takes his mouth to another man's dick. Lying in the right position, you can do each other at the same time - a 69er. Sucking is very intimate and erotic and can be practised in many positions. Techniques vary, but whether it's gently licking around the head or deep-throating it, there are things to think about.

Risks: Sucking carries a medium amount of risk for HIV infection as well as transmission of other STD/STIs. You need to be mindful of several factors. The guy being sucked is at little or no risk of infection, unless the guy who is sucking him has gonorrhoea or a similar infection in his mouth or throat. The one doing the sucking is at some risk however, especially if he has bleeding gums or sores in his mouth or if there are sores on the active partner's dick - and/or if the guy he is sucking cums (ejaculates) in his mouth. So only if the dick is clean, your mouth is healthy and he doesn't cum in your mouth, is sucking is regarded as relatively safe. But you make the choices on that one.

Precautions: If there are any sores, cuts or warts on the dick or if there are any cuts or sores (including sore throat, flu inflammation) in the mouth then use a condom. You can buy flavoured ones to make it more pleasant, but these are not good for anal sex - so if you are being sucked wearing a flavoured condom, you need to change into a stronger one if you mean to go on to do some fucking later.

rimming
Anallingus, licking or kissing or sucking a man's ass. You don't get more intimate that this! But then the rewards can be great - for both men. Standing, sitting, lying, bending; rimming can be a gentle way to relax the ass before being fucked or a tool for domination - you play this one how you feel comfortable.

Risks: There is a risk of infection from Hepatitis for the guy doing the licking, and a small risk of HIV infection if there are any cuts or sores around the anus being licked. There is no risk to the guy being rimmed.

Precautions: Cleanliness is very important - make sure you are clean and that there are no sores or cuts around your ass before you let someone stick their face down there. If you are planning rimming someone and you are not sure about his cleanliness or safety then use a dental dam or just a piece of cling film. Place the film over the opening to his ass and then lick away safely.

fingering
Using your finger to explore your man's ass. Again, this can be a good way to get the ass relaxed before fucking - or it can be enjoyed as a pleasure all of its own making. Gently probing with one finger until you find the prostate will be sure to send him into a fit of passion.

Risks: There is little risk to either partner although small cuts on the finger could act as a route of transmission. Cleanliness is very important for both partners - and never use your finger on more than one person without washing it in between.

Precautions: Clean ass and clean finger - not much problem, but sharp nails or non-lubricated ass could cause friction burn or cuts. And go gently - the idea is to relax the ass - not to tear it open. Friction burn or small cuts or tears caused by clumsy fingering could become a route of transmission later - or just leave the one being fingered open to opportunistic infection including warts. Not very comfortable. To be on the safe side - use a condom on the finger, or a "finger-cock" (small condom designed for finger use) if you can get hold of one - and remember, water-based lubricant.

fucking
Anal sex, fucking, buggery, sodomy - well the list goes on, but basically it is one man penetrating another man's ass with his dick. For many it is the ultimate pleasure - the aim of sex - but it is not everyone's cup of tea. If both men want it and are relaxed it can be wonderful. Books have been written on the number of positions that are possible - experiment to find out what you and your partner enjoy.

Risks: There is no doubt that the most dangerous thing you can do in terms of HIV infection is fuck without a condom. The lining of your ass is fragile and has many blood vessels - HIV infected cum get absorbed directly into the blood stream. No it's not OK to "just stick it in" - the risk remains the same due to pre-cum containing HIV and other STD/STIs. The risk is as great to the man doing the fucking as to the one being penetrated so it's in both your interests to condomise.

Precautions: Wear a condom - only one (wearing two increases the risk of them coming off) - and use a water-based lubricant such as KY-jel. Start gently and work up - allow the person being fucked to relax properly - this will reduce the risk of the condom breaking. Also, the person doing the fucking should be completely hard all the time - or the condom may come off inside. For extra care - pull out before you cum - but if you cum inside then pull out while you are still hard. If you are having sex with multiple partners you need to wear a fresh condom for each ass you enter or you could be spreading infection from one ass to the other on the condom.

douching
Washing your ass out with water by using an attachment to your shower or a douche-ball. It is best to use warm (not hot) water before fucking to help relax the muscles and colder water after wards to help them recover. The advantages of a clean ass cannot be over-emphasised!

Risks: Hot water can cause burning without you realising - too much water can cause discomfort and can go too far up! Sharing a douche ball can spread HIV and other STD/STIs from one ass to the other.

Precautions: Be moderate with the amount of water and check the temperature. Don't share a douche ball.

HEAVY DUTY

fisting
Taking fingering to the extreme - try getting your whole hand in there! For specialist only - it can be amazing but it carries risks.

Risks: You could damage the muscles to you anus, or tear the skin around the hole leading to opportunistic infection and opening a route of HIV transmission.

Precautions: Always wear a latex glove and use plenty plenty of lubricant - water based. Spend time relaxing the ass with a little fingering and licking and massaging. Only once it is totally ready should the fister go ahead and attempt the whole hand - and don't make a fist until you are in past the wrist.

sex toys
There are many kinds of sex toys - such as dildos or butt-plugs and vibrators. Most are used for anal penetration, so a lot of the rules regarding fisting apply to larger sex toys too.

Risks: Large toys or an unprepared ass can cause splitting or muscle damage. Also, if you are sharing sex toys (the toy is going up more than one ass in the same session) infection can spread from one ass to the other on the toy.

Precautions: Use a new condom for each time the toy is used on a new person. Use plenty of water based lubricant and start small and work your way up to make sure that the ass is totally relaxed. Always clean toys well after use.

water-sports
Peeing on or in another man - the golden shower! Intimate and sensual or dirty and dominating. If you want it or want to give it, you'll have an idea of how you want to play it too.

Risks: HIV and other STD/STIs are present in urine, although in the case of HIV it is in small amounts and urine is likely to neutralise it. However other diseases of the bladder can spread through water-sports play.

Precautions: Peeing on someone will carry little risk of infection to either party as long as you avoid the eyes, any open sores or cuts or any other routes into the body like mouth, ears and ass. Peeing actually into someone's ass or mouth carries a greater risk of many kinds of infection - you may want to avoid this one unless you both consent to the risk.

scat
Brown - like water-sports but with shit instead of pee. Not everyone's favourite activity you may think but none-the-less popular with the adventurous.

Risks: Blood is often found on or in shit - therefore there is a risk of HIV infection as well as other STD/STIs, in particular Hepatitis if the shit comes into contact with the other person's mouth, eyes or any cuts and sores.

Precautions: Play away but avoid ingesting another persons faeces, unless you have considered the risks carefully.

s/m
Sadomasochism , the rough stuff - pain and glory! S/M play is all about domination, enjoying pain and reaching and sometimes surpassing boundaries. As taxing mentally as it is physically - it can take many forms: hitting, slapping, punching, caning, whipping. It's all about how much the person being hit (masochist) can take from the aggressor (sadists) - so therefore the masochist's rules and limits are usually respected, even if the illusion of control is with the sadist. Apart from forms of beatings, S/M can also involve heavy duty nipple play with nipple-clamps or cock and ball torture using cock rings/restraints. It is not a beginner's sport.

Risks: Obviously, the is a risk from over indulging in pain - or going too far. In relation to STD/STIs there is little risk of infection, although be aware that you may cause cuts to open - in which case a clean environment is preferable.

Precautions: Respect each others limits and try not to draw blood. If you do, be mindful and stay clear of the cuts. Cleanliness is very important, as is the care of leather items - keep them well moisturised so they don't split and disintegrate.

Bondage
Tying people up, restraint. Leather straps, rope, chains - whatever you use its all about control and domination. Once a person is tied up - well what are you gonna do now?

Risks: Probably not a good idea with strangers - they might tie you up and rob you! Also be careful that the binds are not so tight they cut of circulation of breathing.

Precautions: Be responsible - respect boundaries.