I love you!

By Gcobisa Mshiywa

August 31, 2006: I don’t understand why we are so occupied, truly speaking-I don’t! What got us into this crowd? You and I were just perfect with each other, until you made all these new friends. Now our lives, baby our relationship encompasses the whole community. Tell me now, what went wrong? Haven’t I done enough?

Many a times I’ve watched you isolate yourself from me. You’d sleep at the edge of the bed, yet you said you needed my arms to feel safe. I thought I was the one who gave you sweet and loving dreams but now I see you drift away. In my mind, thoughts and in my being I wonder how but still, my love for you is never shaken. It stays strong and beats for what we said we believe in.

You’re the one who said and made me believe that I was beautiful. You would look at me and just smile. You told me all the words that a woman would love to hear. You wiped my tears when the world was turning against me. You sat down with me, held my hand and told me how special I was-I felt it. Every word, all the emotions and every single action was real. I remember the times when you cried with me. You wiped my tears as I dried your eyes. I’ll always love you my dearest partner. We’ve become a dream to most and an inspiration to others. I don’t understand at all, how, how did we get this far? How did you manage to get so angry at me, when I’m the one who always calms you down? I’m so pilled up with unanswered questions. I’m tormented every night as I reach out to my soul to seek answers to my confusion.

As you raised your hand to slap my face, I could not believe. I took the first one with puzzlement. But when you dragged me by my hair, I lost my mind for a while. And as I came back to reality I looked at you and I couldn’t do much but take the rest of the punishment. In the presence of our friends, you embarrassed me. You shook both my dignity and yours. For a moment there, I became a zombie. I was mute, but I still had love for you. That day is now past, but my soul is still bruised. On my body you’ve left me with scars that time and time again serve as a reminder of what happened. I can’t find that beauty anymore and I don’t feel special to you at all. The only one who gave me wings to fly cut them off and now I lay here wondering if they’ll ever grow back again.

I forgive you believing that it was a mistake. I take you back because I can’t imagine life without you. I’m with you because I don’t know where else to go. This was our safe space but now I’ve learnt that it’s not safe anymore. If this is not home, then what is-therefore, I chose to stay. I’ll try and look at you with the same eyes that you once made glow. I’ll dance and smile with you like I use to. I am emotionally drained and my heart is aching, but I’ll try and laugh just for you.

Baby please, please don’t ever do this again. I knew about a lot of horrible things that you’ve done but I kept silent. But this, this ain’t cool, it ain’t right my love. I can’t live fearing for my life when I with the one I love. Just because I’m not as strong as you are, it doesn’t give you the right to smash my face. I’ll never do such to you because I love you. This is not a threat, but I’m also human and I can only take so much. Let this be the last time because if there’s anything as forever, I want it with you. Please stay the woman I fell in love with, I don’t need someone new. I love you!