Our fortunes, dear reader, are not in our stars but in ourselves
By David Pogue
Guess what's on the back-page column of a normal magazine? Hint: It isn't Microsoft jokes, Apple musicals, or computer-industry sarcasm--it's horoscopes. So why should we, as Mac nuts, be any less interested in our fortunes? Surely our computers have ups, downs, and bad-hair days, just as people do.
Aries (the RAM Chip; March 21- April 20)
You've never been able to let the masses do your beta testing, have you? No, you're the quintessential early adopter. Your Mac history reads like a catalog of short-lived models: you bought the IIvx, sold it to buy a Mac TV, and last year got yourself a PowerBook 5300--a week before it was discontinued.
Dare I even mention the $750 you spent on the original Newton that now lives in the drawer with the batteries and extension cords?
But it doesn't have to be like this. This year, write it 100 times on your fridge: "I Will Not Buy Version 1.0 of Anything."
Taurus (the Dogcow; April 21-May 21)
You wouldn't know what command-P stands for if it bit you on the nose. Keyboard shortcuts just aren't your thing--hey, that's what menus are for, right? In fact, shortcuts period aren't your style; you pull down menus by hand, type in your AOL password every single time you sign on, and when telling somebody a Web page address, you actually spell out that whole "H-T-T-P colon slash slash" business.
There's nothing wrong with being methodical. But watch your back: rivals are gaining on you. And they've got QuicKeys.
Gemini (the Clones; May 22-June 21)
Why don't you just throw out your printer, for goodness' sake? Everything you do or say is electronic anyway; you may as well reclaim the desk space for a couple more modems. Or spend the money you'll save on a second Internet account; sure, your first one's unlimited, but doesn't it make you all giggly to contemplate surfing two cyberspaces simultaneously?
Cancer (the Crabby Tech Support Rep; June 22-July 22)
The Cancerian Way is to protect. You've got a filter for your screen, a latex skin for your keyboard, and a surge-suppressing UPS for your power cord. You're so paranoid, you shut down your Mac just to unplug the microphone.
But even the best umbrella won't help when it's raining cinder blocks; as Saturn moves into Capricorn, your Mac becomes vulnerable from angles you don't suspect. You can't protect your stuff from Life, pal, as you're about to find out. Relax and enjoy the surprise; remember, it's only plastic.
Leo (the ISDN Line; July 23-August 23)
Power User, thy name is Leo. Frankly, between your eight programmed trackball buttons, macro-tricked-out keyboard, and shareware-coated System Folder arteries, nobody but you could even operate your Mac. Man, you just hated it when the 250MHz PowerTower Pro came out, didn't you? It made your 225MHz look feeble. Maybe you can take consolation from your color laser printer, digital camera, and 1523 extensions.
No wonder you get 14 Mac catalogs each week; the mail-order firms are on to you. Otherwise, your feature lust is nothing to worry about. Your Mac will continue to be your faithful servant--if it starts up at all.
Virgo (the Clean Install; August 24-September 22)
It's no surprise you got into computers, really; where else can you indulge your neatness compulsion so easily? You close every window before shutting down; you'd die before you left an icon out on the desktop; and you alone among the millions actually use labels to color-code your folders.
It's just as much fun with your hardware, too, isn't it? Must've taken months to find those clever under-the-desk, colored cable organizers. Yes, it was a lot of effort to file your 75 CD-ROM discs into color-coded disc wallets, but it sure was satisfying. And I don't need to look in your desk drawers to know you keep your floppy disks in the little clear-plastic sleeves that everyone else throws away.
Today's tip: Better check your calendar. Isn't this mouse-ball-cleaning day?
Libra (the Shift Keys; September 23-October 23)
How is your SE/30 doing these days, anyway? Yeah, yeah: you're holding off on buying a new Mac until the market settles down a little. You're no dummy--you have no intention of watching your new Mac model superseded by newer, cheaper ones.
But I've got news for ya, Libra: you'd be amazed at how technology has marched on. They've got color now, and drag and drop, and a neat little clock up in your menu bar. Oh, yeah--and TeachText has a brand-new name!
Scorpio (the Bug; October 24-November 22)
We were born with a conscience for a reason, my friend, and you've been ignoring yours for far too long. You didn't register the shareware you've now been using for two years; you haven't read a Read Me First file for over a year; and you've got an AOL screen name you wouldn't want your family to know. And that copy of Adobe Photoshop? Use it for "evaluative" purposes all you want, but remember the rumor: every Photoshop document has an invisible serial number embedded in it. 'Nuff said.
Fate has a way of catching up with those who flout the great unwritten Computer Code. Don't tempt it.
Sagittarius (the Half-Mac, Half-PC; November 23-December 21)
Ever notice how everything mechanical seems to break after you take ownership? The answering machine dies, some plastic panel falls off your car dashboard, and Norton Utilities reports a "B-tree error" every time it checks your hard drive.
Don't tell me you think Netscape Navigator keeps crashing just because it's buggy! Nope, it's your aura: technology just doesn't like you. Time to start approaching your equipment with a new attitude. Consider its feelings for a change. Remember, computers are people, too.
Capricorn (the Billy Gates; December 22-January 20)
O long-suffering Capricorn! Thou obeyest every rule, purchasest every software upgrade, holdest down the shift key with every installation, keepest shareware and fringe technologies off thy hard drive, backest up daily, and thou still gettest system freezes. What giveth?
Fear not, dear Capricorn; the coming months will bring many new OS versions to your Mac. Fate will reward its loyal soldiers when the Great Day of Installation arrives.
Aquarius (the Web Surfer; January 21-February 18)
It's one thing to care about your data. It's quite another to limp along with "250K remaining" on your hard drive for two years just because you worry about throwing away some file you'll need again. How many times have you avoided cleansing your Preferences folder, wondering if you actually might need that Embedding Preferences file someday?
This is a good month for confronting your fears, buying a Zip drive for offloading all that junk, and combing through your little electronic attic. Think how much better you'll both feel.
Pisces (the Fish Screen Saver; February 19-March 20)
Sure you're emotional, but this is getting ridiculous: a Type 74 error makes you hysterical with rage and confusion. You've been spotted weeping quietly at a particularly well designed Web page. And if that hotshot at the office informs you that the Mac is dead one more time, they'll find him strangled with his own two-button-mouse cord.
On the one hand, maybe you should control yourself; try saying it out loud: "It's just a machine." On the other hand, stifling your emotion could be dangerous--after all, the Mac never bothers to hide its humanity. And isn't that what makes it great?
________________________
DAVID POGUE, coauthor of The Weird Wide Web (IDG Books Worldwide, 1997), reads the stars regularly. Just yesterday he read that Madonna has a new hairdo.
September 1997
page: 234
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Copyright © 1997 Macworld Communications, Inc.
