I think this is only one in a long list of possible useless uses for the web. We have only begun to scratch the surface. Imagine:

• Check out my _lunch database_ and find out what I've been eating the past few weeks! Search on any food and find out how often its been in my diet! GIFs plotting average calorie consumption also available.
• On _Paul's wardrobe page_, see what's in my closet! It's updated daily to reflect what's currently in the laundry basket and what's available for wearing. Want to help me pick my attire for today? Send me _email_.
• Real time link to my car's _odometer_! See the miles advance as you watch! I must be driving somewhere then, get it?

I expect to have the happeningest web pages on the planet, and you are welcome to come by anytime! Yes, waste your life away reading about trivialities of my life that even I don't care about! It's the future, man!

Have you ever seen a list of CDs that somebody you don't know owns? YOU WILL[tm].

Catch the fever!

-- Paul Phillips (paulp@go2net.com), in the post that started this mess

Well, I am going to start keeping a list of every cockroach I squish, including weight(in tons) and length(in light years), and make a link to it from my home page.

My other projects include:

• The number of furballs my cat coughs up each day(Some type of collar mounted sensor will have to be devised to make sure this is accurate. It will have a radio link so my page can be updated in real time)
• a scanned picture of each can of soda I drink(my disk quota will determine how far back I can keep pictures for this. Also, I will need to get a scanner, donations anyone?)
• How far my mouse travels each day, in kilometers. I already have a program which does this. I just have to turn it on, and write a script to update my page once or twice a day. If it turns out to be popular, maybe I'll make it update every few minutes.
• A page full of non-existent URL's

All of this and more, coming soon!

-- Joe Rumsey (ogre@netcom.com)

This really weird and kind of frightening kid who worked down the hall from me over the summer had the exact same thing. His CDs, on WWW. Not quite 30k, but he did have scans of the occasional album cover. I think this topic deserves some research, so that we can determine who was the true pioneer in this field. Unfortunately I don't remember the URL... He went to some school somewhere in Michigan. Name was Zongker. I swear, I am not making this up.

-- Herschel A Gelman (hagst3+@pitt.edu)

Having been staggered, astounded but mostly plain BORED by your worthy useless pages list, I have decided I cannot miss the fun much longer. As soon as possible, I will be setting up a page to allow WWW readers to *monitor my blood sugar level*! I'll sit here with a needle in one of my main arteries and anyone can sample the readings with a single click. Just think of the value to medical science!

If it works out, I may add an interactive facility to allow people to inject me with various drug combinations in real time, such as morphine and valium. Forget telerobots, this could be a winner.

-- Ade Rixon (ajr@aber.ac.uk)

Ever since I saw the useless WWW pages page, I wondered what it would take to get on it. I didn't think the xmas tree was quite useless enough, but I guess it is after all.

Congratulations, everyone. I'm not so excited about the Wall Street Journal, but the useless WWW pages page, now *that's* an accomplishment!

-- Jim Kingdon (kingdon@cygnus.com)

In _Portrait of the Artist as a Young Dog_, a collection of Dylan Thomas's short stories, the story "Where Tawe Flows" contains this gem:

"Did I ever tell you about the time I lectured to the John O'London's Society on `The Utility of Uselessness'? That was a poser. I talked about Jack London all the time, and when they said at the end that it wasn't about what I said it was going to be, I said, `Well, it was useless lecturing about that, wasn't it?' and they hadn't a word to say."

-- Jon Krueger (jpk@twilight.com)

In my short (approximately two months) of wandering around the Internet, I have come to the conclusion that there are a lot of users with way too much free time.

Your collection of useless pages has done a lot to confirm this insight.

Apparently, you are among this group with not enough to do.

Obviously, so am I.

-- Stuart Horowitz (shorowit@nylink.org)

I can't believe this many people actually put their cd lists on the internet. Did you notice that they are all males? I would make a page for mine, just to give equality to the sexes, but I don't really have that much time to waste.

If you owned a car as ugly as an escort, would you be dumb enough to brag about in cyberspace?

-- Renee E. (ReneeE20@aol.com)

...That short attention span page was compiled from a group of suggestions on alt.support.attn-deficit... By the way, folks like us are probably your most faithful readers. You make wasting my time much more efficient. Do you think Einstein would have ever gotten out of the patent office if there were the WWW?

-- Gwyneth Junkel (junkel@phys.ufl.edu)

Well, you did it, crashed by browser just like you said you would. Congradulations! You have managed to spend time and effort to do something that many can do without trying! Keep up the good work! Get a job in your spare time, just don't call me for one.

-- Gary D. Bagley (gtbagle@teleport.com)

We got a rather long letter from the Otis Elevator people for putting their Elevator and Escaltor Safety Tip page on our list (now retired).

You have given my life meaning!!!!! At last, someplace to go when I'm at work diligently sitting in front of my computer, just computing away (as my boss watches). I can truly be COMPLETELY USELESS. What the hell - the boss doesn't know the difference.

-- geralyn@hicom.net

Thanks for caring about the only things that matter

-- Guido Gambardella (tdd@aleph.it)

An overwhelming thank you for cataloging the absurdities of life (and the web).

I really needed these series of laughs today. You indeed have the world's number here. And to think it takes itself seriously.

-- Bob Gollihur (wordsmit@acy.digex.net)

Of COURSE we have the world's number, Bob! It's Pi!

and i thought my life was useless! thank goodness for so much company.

-- Bhamroc@aol.com

Hmmm. A list that *includes* Paula Abdul, yet does not include any Grateful Dead, is truly useless. Actually, given these facts, I'd venture to say that Kenny Z's entire physical CD *collection* is useless.

-- Jim Switz (jimswitz@olympus.net)

...thank you for the pages! I laughed my ass off. And later I was dead serious with similar symptoms.

-- Antti Arnkil (anttia@stakes3.stakes.fi)

The Stating-the-obvious award goes to this comment:

Hello useless pages, this useless page goes on for quite a long time.

-- Sam Thorne (thornes@vossnet.co.uk)

You guys have compiled one of the funniest pages on the Web, but I'm afraid the whole theme is incorrect. None of the pages listed on the Useless Pages are useless.

Just think what these people would be doing if they didn't know HTML. If it wasn't for the Home Page Pregnancy Test, et al, these people would be developing software for Microsoft or running the country!

-- Ficus Kirkpatrick (ficusk@on-ramp.ior.com)

I am very deeply depressed by the fact that... everything that I could possibly say about "America's most useless pages" has already been said by someone else. I suck.

-- Kenneth Daniel Boutilier (kboutili@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca)

Your useless pages have helped me laugh so much! Thanks, my abs are now an inch thinner!

-- Herman Escajadillo (unony@ix.netcom.com)

Hey, man: I don't think your page is useless, just... crazy! I didn't see so much info useless and useful at the same time. And it's so funny, I laughed for 15 minutes...

-- Gabriela Barocio Perez (gbp@cancun.rce.com.mx)

What I enjoyed most about it was your running commentary on all of your links...In fact, I could have cared less about your links (it really takes a lot time to care ya know? :P) but your humorous insights about your links make life worth living again...

-- Nick Laux (Nick_Laux@cc.wdi.disney.com)

Thanks for the warnigs. But YOU can't (other way round) not keep me away from looking at those sort of pages - in fact: it is sometimes interesting to find out WHY you found some page useless.

I had lots of fun - with you and those "poor guys". Thanks anyway.

-- Peter H. Wendt (phw@compunet.de)

You know, I thought I had wasted all the time I could possibly waste, and that I should think about getting my life sorted out instead of just ekeing out a meager existence...But oh, man! It is gonna take me MONTHS to sort through this useless crap! Thanks!

-- Hugo Rune (Hugo_Rune@cyberbury.net)

I've just run out of useless time reading the useless comments about your useless pages. Now that's top quartile uselessness. Keep up the good work, I'll have more useless time tomorrow.

-- Anthony Mogle (thule@maui.net)

entschuldige, hätte dir nicht gemeilt, denn ich habe zu spät gemerkt, dass andere mitlesen können. ich schreibe dir aber niemehr. ich dachte nur lueg au do dä didi? ich glaubte es seie ganz privat.sorry soll nicht mehr vorkommen. a

-- Anonymous (101671.1546@compuserve.com)

just a minute thank you for the Useless Pages. Have spent months recovering from being hit by an RV whilst riding my motorbike (obviously, the guys drivers license was useless) and in the interest of re-learning how to use my broken hands, I have been web-browsing. (pretty tough, actually, on my useless Mac, with a useless 2800 modem, and a totally useless web-browser that came with the utterly useless AOL diskette I got from the mostly useless MacUser magazine). Anyhow, I found the Useless Pages, and have spent many months of laughter therapy reading the links. Again, thanks.

-- Laura Craig (Bunycooker@aol.com)

Love your writing style and humor. I also think you ought to get a special award for threat communication...explicit but subtle..I like it. Are you sure your not a mother?

-- Sue C. Ely (scely@bright.net)

"Useless Pages" is still number one in my book. No other site allows me to waste time with confidence that I will never come across anything of value to me later in life!

-- Jack Thomas (jthomas@dave-world.net)

I love to laugh, but rarely laugh aloud...Well, after I checked out your page and a few of the links, I could barely catch my breath from how I was roaring. The Loser's diary and the desk inventory, not to mention your rules about what can be nominated, nearly had me doubled over. I loved it.

-- Elizabeth Melillo aka Gloriana (gloriana@geocities.com)

An anonymous (translation: I lost your email address; please re-send it if you don't want to remain anonymous) reader sent in:

"The tie between information and human purpose has been severed... Information appears indiscriminately, directed at no one in particular, in enormous volume and at high speeds, and disconnected from theory, meaning, or purpose."
-- Neil Postman in "Technopoly"

I actually found your site very useful. I hope this leaves you with a sense of failure :))

-- Richard Chisnall (chisnall@dk-online.dk)

I think you should be proclaimed the "Smartass of the net." of course, if the CDA would have passed, you would have had to change that to, "The Smarta** of the Net."

-- Mana Knight (Joel1@Cris.com)

Great site! Laughed out loud funny. I mean it.

-- Christina Reeser (c_reeser@icnz.com)

Thank you for a brilliant (and totally useful) Web site. I've wasted *hours* here and it's been great fun.

Please don't stop adding new and even more useless links and thanks for the entertainment!

-- peterson@xs4all.nl

I'm a Trek fan but it's not my main occupation, unlike most fans. Must tell you I loved what I saw on your useless page, if that was just a sample of what you folks do my response is "Keepup the good work." Any one who gets upset over the difference between "Trekkies" and "Trekkers" needs a life.

-- WDFH@aol.com

Count me in! Blew my mind and took me back.

You made feel good about the Web. Humor still exists. Thanks for the fly by. -- Sam Miller (kbseven@buttenet.com)

This is the best site on the web. I've been continually drawn to it for several months now. I'm a certifiable Useless Page junkie.

-- Mitzi, la chanteuse (mitzi@fuse.net)

thanks for a bit of funny stuff, not anough of it on the net, have a great new year, i'll be sure to visit your site again, thanks again mate,

-- John Berthelsen (jberthe@tpgi.com.au)

Thanks for your great site! It's been my default start-up page for several months now. I really think that the people who make these pages are some of the most interesting folks publishing on the web today!

-- Bill East (b-east@cecer.army.mil)

Keep up the good work... you are educating America.

-- James GreyWolf (greywolf@hhs.net)

To whom ever...after searching over fifty different sites, I must tell you this is the best I have EVER stumbled on...keep up the good work...I'll be back....Art

(Editor's note - that is exactly how we got this note.)

-- Arthur Curtis (bookman@iserv.net)

Sad...very sad.... I need a lie down.

-- Richard Dakin (RGDakin@msn.com)

you really should put a warning on this site like WARNING!!! contains extremely funny items that may cause persons to piss themselfs while reading use the restroom BEFORE reading!

-- Mark Hoover (mjhoover@epix.net)

I think you've got a real flair for writing useless stuff and since I work for the government I respect that..

-- Gary Marchbank (gmarchbank@CCTR.UMKC.EDU)

Here's a verbatim transcript of an email we got:

Date: Wed, 09 Apr 1997 13:28:19 -0500

From: Rachel Guajardo (CSD3_B941000@UNO.EDU)

To: useless@go2net.com

Subject: 

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dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
de,why??????????????????????????????????
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The Bully Corner has visited your site! We really enjoyed our stay! I wish I had your imagination, and talent! Thanks for the visit!

-- Earlene (ESmith2718@aol.com)

Thanks for a really excellent page! It's provided me with much mirth. Keep it up :)

-- Al Paterson (alpat@globalnet.co.uk)

I have never laughed so much and for so long in my entire life!

Marek (pinski@iafrica.com)

wow i thought i had seen some shit pages but your little gem of a list opened a whole new world of crap for me to waste my dail-up time on

don't know wether to thank you or just bomb your mail box ;) -- ArogorN (arogorn@wantree.com.au)

This is the coolest site I've seen since i was born

-- Simon Cedervall

im deeply concerned for all the fools who put up these pages...sad, sad, sad <shake head> ...other than that, i love this page!!!!!

-- TATERTOT17@aol.com

Hi, I would like to tell you that you have an awesome page! Keep up the good work!!

-- Jen0529@aol.com

anyone down in the dumps from a lousy day should visit this website! i was rolling with laughter after viewing the first two that you had listed! these people do need to get a life..but then who would cheer up the people who stumble onto your website, by accident, like me

"CHARLES E. KROFT" (chriskro@gte.net)

From Suzanne McCarter dscams@usit.net

I just love it. I laughed out loud reading some of the comments you made about the pages listed! Great humor!!!!

-- Stefan Schmid stefan.schmid@metronet.de

This is certainly the most extensive collection of "waste-your-time-and-die-laughing" sites I'VE ever come across. The best place to go, when you should be studying for your exams!
Useless indeed. YESSSSSS!

From Scott Strickland:

YOU ARE MY HERO!!!!!! GOD BLESS YOU!!! GOD BLESS YOUR FAMILY!!! GOD BLESS YOUR HOUSE!!! GOD BLESS YOUR CAR!!! GOD BLESS YOUR FRIENDS!!! GOD BLESS YOUR EAR WAX!!! GOD BLESS YOUR TAX REFUNDS!!! GOD BLESS YOUR COMPUTER!!! GOD BLESS YOUR TOWN!!! GOD BLESS YOUR SOCKS!!! GOD BLESS YOUR UMBRELLA!!! GOD BLESS YOUR BARBER!!! GOD BLESS YOUR ATTORNEY!!! GOD BLESS YOUR PILLOW CASES!!! GOD BLESS YOUR NEXT VISIT TO McDONALDS!!! GOD BLESS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPLE!!! GOD BLESS YOUR WASHER & DRYER!!! GOD BLESS YOUR COFFEE MAKER!!! GOD BLESS YOUR LAST VISIT TO THE DENTIST!!!

From Datuk Baharuden Majid dbmajid@pc.jaring.my:

I found the useless page pretty useful for jobless people..keep it up!

Scott Chambers stinky0@ibm.net

Thank you for giving me enough subject matter to destroy an entire evening that could have been spent on useful (is that a dirty word?) occupations, such as kicking the snot out of my car. This lazy dude thanks you immensly.

Ohil@aol.com
To: useless@go2net.com
Subject: Honor to You

Dear Steve,

Just wanted to say "Well done!" and thanx for your Useless Homepages Collection. Very inspiring!

In order to honor your dedication to virtual uselessness, I decided to name my home town, the capital of Germany, after you.

TLFlemons@aol.com
Jeez, I can't take it. You're killing me. I'll be dead soon enough, so cut it out.

Tim Christensen (timch@global2000.net)
Stop! Stop! I cannot look at this totally useless page anymore!!!! I want to do some violence now after having read it!

Love your useless pages, sort of. Great asset, kind of.

Lisa (leelee@mail.monmouth.com)
You are so freaking funny..i adore this page..and i think i got my entire office hooked on it!!! i am def linking to your page...take care..

Grace Budka (blink@Alaska.NET)
Last week, my life was a meaningless desert stretching into a HTML quicksand infinity. This week, I am on top of the world because you have listed my page (Dissect A Biologist) on the Useless Pages. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! *draws Steve's face close to hers, causing him to become annoyingly unbalanced in his chair, and kisses his forehead*)

Coodgee Bear (vandbea@presto.net.au)
Hello Steve,
I've just had the best laugh in ages visiting your site. You truly are a funny person!! Thanks, I've bookmarked and will be back often to see what other usless sites you find. I can't believe what some people put on their sites! The one I creased laughing at the most so far was this weeks site of the week, "Pictures of Faisal"! What an either nieve or jerk of a person!

Steve Purkhiser (spurkhi@smithville.net)
This was one of the most humorous sites I have ever visited. I think it's great, because there is something in here for just about everybody. I'm sure you piss a lot of people off, but everybody needs it once in a while. I intend to check this site often. Keep up the good work.

David Kaufman (aykauf@bellatlantic.net)
Wow! What an amazing listing of people without lives. Shouldn't it be a felony to waste bandwith with some of the crap you've pointed out to us? That's what Congress should be working on, not Paula Jones or fund-raising scandals, but freeing up the web.

Robert Brandin (Rabbart@worldnet.att.net)
Well I decided to write you about what you page caused me. I was messing around on your page and found an up-roareously  funny page that you featured. Unfortunately my bladder exploded with laughter another unfortunate thing is that I was naked at the time (of course). This made my keyboard and monitor really sticky. I any holding you liable for one bottle of Goo-Gone and one bottle of Windex. Please send me these item ASAP.

Peggy Eldred (peggycsz@dct.com)
Thanks for making me laugh and cry at the same time.

Bombed all of the bookmarks here. Not once, but twice - two days in a row. You and Anu Garg are among the first Web Pages to be looked for and reinstalled. As a sociologist and teacher, your site is much appreciated. Please keep it on the Net. We need to see the world from these vantage points, too. Enlightening and refreshing. THANK YOU!

Charlene Stark (starkc@bellatlantic.net)


The Useless Pages was called "One of the best sites on the Web."
- The person who said that: Marc Andreessen, speaking at the Commonwealth Club in California.

Read a collection of anagrams an alert reader sent in.

Read a collection of quotes about uselessness another alert reader sent in.

Read a poem a fan sent in giving his reaction to sites seen on The Useless Pages (or is it a non-fan giving his reaction to The Useless Pages?)