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STORY
TELLING |
In The
Same Boat
Pastor
Nokhtula Dhladhla's story
I was
born in November 1973 and raised by my grandmum in Soweto.
My mother was very busy working out of town. I didn't know
who my father was. We later moved to another place because
at one time houses were sold to rich people. So, we ended
up in Kathlehong where I attended Sijabulile Higher Primary
School from Standard 6 until Matric.
I came
to recognise myself at the age of twelve. It made me feel
different because whenever we played with my friend I always
wanted to play a roll of being a father or a husband of someone.
But as I went on living like that, I got frustrated at the
age of thirteen. I always liked girls and at this point in
time I turned fourteen and I came to love one girl but then
I had to force myself to go out with boys. I got involved
with a guy and tried by all means to fit in the environment
of being straight because they were called normal people and
I had to try to become one as well. At the age of sixteen
I met a woman and I was really in love with her. We had sex
at all times but we just could not talk about it. All that
led me to my unhappiness. I assured myself of not letting
anyone at home to know about my being because it was such
an embarrassing thing. My girlfriend wanted to expose everything
which prompted me to end the relationship. This was all out
of frustration.
At the
age of 18 I had to have a boyfriend.
This time
it was a nightmare because I fell pregnant. At one time I
was warned for it at home. I was asked to leave home. Then
I started drinking, smoking and doing things that I never
did because I wanted to keep myself busy. At the same time
I was still going to school until in the seventh month of
my pregnancy I could no longer pretend it. I had to find a
way of telling my family about it so I decided to fake a faint
and I was rushed to the hospital and they found out about
my pregnancy. Then my grandmum sent me away to stay with my
mum. Thereafter I gave birth to a baby boy which I never wanted
to keep knowing myself to have been a lesbian. So, literally,
I never wanted to love that child. I had to ask for an adoption
of the child but then my mum opted to raise the child. When
I was asked who the father was I said I was just raped.
After
sometime the guy I said had raped me appeared and they forced
us to marry. I did not like the idea because I knew it was
not going to work. Then I thought of rearranging my life and
committing myself to God hence being brought up in a Christian
home. So I had to find myself a church and I became born again.
I still couldn't run away from me being lesbian. One surprising
thing was that at the same church I met a lady who told me
she needed prayers from me.
She told
me she was a lesbian and I told her that we both needed prayers
because I was in the same boat as well.
Things
went on very fast for us so that we ended up being lovers
but little did I know that my friend was well known and condemned.
From 1992
to 1993 Soweto experienced wars and my lover was living there.
We asked her to move in with us because I had also moved back
to my grandmum But my grandmum did suspect us - the way we
took care of each other like husband and wife; so to us it
was sort of like a private marriage. I then decided to go
flat-out into doing God's work so I had to join the leadership
at church to learn more about Christianity. I had to move
around preaching, so I spent more of my time away from home.
Looking at the group I realised that they were all older than
me. It was a group of five. One day for the first time we
all sat together and we were listening to a radio programme
about homosexuality. A guy gave a certain story which directly
revealed that he was rejected by his family. And at his church
they never wanted him anymore. Now, on my side I was depressed
with the whole thing which prompted me to tell the group that
I was a lesbian and at same time my lover was getting upset
with me because I was never with her and she threatened to
denounce me.
Then my
group had to tell the elder about it so that they could break
the news in church and everybody should come to know that
we were possessed by demons.
I still
never wanted my family to know all about my being. But all
the same they told my family they were suspending us from
the church. Immediately I was told to pack and leave. They
asked us to always sit at the back in church. One day there
was a preaching about homosexuality. All the quotations from
the Bible, Roman Chapter One, were about us. That led to announce
that hugging at church was not allowed anymore, especially
by those of the same sex. They felt it would encourage girls
to 'become' lesbian. We were declared dirty people and told
that we needed prayers to be cleaned. Only then we could freely
communicate to the congregation again.
After
six month I thought this praying was too much for us. I told
my grandmum that I repented but deep down my heart I just
couldn't get away from being lesbian. I was not allowed to
see my lover any more. It was hurting because gay and lesbian
people were not accepted in church. But one day I came across
a magazine which talked about a gay church in Hillbrow (an
area in Johannesburg). When I told my grandmum that I wanted
to go and find myself another church, she was not happy at
all.
On my
way to meet my friends I was raped.
When I
reported the case to the police I was told that I looked okay
so there was no need of reporting the matter. Another officer
asked me why they just couldn't finish me off. Up to now I
still don't understand what he meant
After
explaining my situation to my grandmum and the people who
came to visit me I was told the whole issue was a punishment
sent from God because I was still possessed with a lesbian
demon of being a lesbian. Then I decided to go and meet Rev
Tsietsi from the Hillbrow church and the first Sunday I attended
the service. My family asked me to leave home because by going
to that church I was contributing to the works of the devil
on earth. I then met my current lover Phumizile who was in
the same situation as me. By then I had started staying with
my aunt who later also knew about me being lesbian and then
also asked me to leave. At the same time I was studying theology,
trying to know more about the bible itself.
In 1998
December I was ordained as a full time pastor. Thereafter
I worked freely and the church welcomed me. Since 1997 until
1999 I never went back home. But then I decided to visit them
and to share what had happened and bringing back the relationship.
They accepted me together with my partner Phumizile and encouraged
me to carry on with my life and I was relieved especially
with my family. My vision for the church is to see it grow
and open its doors to everyone, whatever race or sexual preference
- for as long as people are united.
© Behind
The Mask, Ndanji Chola.
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