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Internets
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Internets is a series of tubes, once used to transfer important information worldwide but now used solely to spread porn.
Contents |
History
The Internets, a magical cloud of information that floats over your head in the stratosphere, was invented at least 100 years ago by Al Gore and pluralized by George W. Bush. Some time around 1981 or 2007 (if you're a FAG!!!1!), some guy in his basement found that he could use his Atari 2600 with his 300 baud modem to get free pr0n and warez. 5 years later, AOL streamlined this process and the Internets as we know them now were born. Only these days, there is way more free pr0n and more warez. It is rumored there may be small pockets of useful information hidden deep in the bowels of the Internets. This has been proven to be false.
The Internets is also unique to history in one way. Any person who uses the Internets has no idea what they're doing on it. Whereas most people who use a car know the basics of driving, no one on the Internets has a damn clue how to use the Internets. While the functional value of the Internet may be debated, the comedic value is off the charts. It has also been scientifically proven that the more you use the Internets, the less you will get sex.
Last Thursday, whilst digging a hole in his basement, at least 100 year old billy goat and Chairman of teh Senate Internets Pwning Committee, Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) discovered that the Internets is not a big truck after all but actually just a bunch of tangled up tubes [1] and that said tubes are all clogged up with the pubic hairs from all the Internets pr0n. This, of course, explained why his Internets were taking so long to get to him. [2]
He then announced that he was the new Inventor of teh Internets and Plumber in Chief. Then he made a hawt disco record about it. [3]
How It Works
Nobody knows how the internets work, except the Jews, nor do they care, and no one seems to care about the Jews. Extensive research by Alan Turing shows that they can have intelligence and be indistinguishable from people but it has since been deciphered that they communicate in very different ways.
Computers talk like this:
- ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ZERO ZERO ONE ONE ONE ZERO!
People talk like this
- "LOLLERCOASTER!!!! ^_________________^ ASL"
Neither one makes any sense but sometimes the computers replace the ONE ZERO stuff with BEEPS and BOOPS like on non-cable modems (the phone kind, aka dial-up). Because that travels over speech wires. Cable Modems are faster because they travel over TV. The scrolling stuff at the bottom of CNN Headline News is fast like a cable modem.
How to Win at the Internet
- Get Internets (see ISP, below)
- Troll
- shock images
- ?????
- Profit!!!
- Downloads a map.
Internet Service Provider
An ISP, or Internet Service Provider, is the company that provides you with the bandwidth you need to soak up all your time on the Internets. The term is a misnomer as the Internets is not a service, since it really doesn't do anyone any good whatsoever. seeNet Neutrality
Internet Phenomenon
The "internet phenomenon" is the tendency for suicide, murder, and rape to increase as people gain access to the Internet. It is best described as an exponential curve which most developed countries are just starting to travel.
An Internet Phenomenon can also take the form of an annoying game or meme that spreads itself around the internet so much that it is considered a phenomenon.
Anonymity
It's been scientifically proven that the Internets instantly turns you into an asshole. This is due to the fact that unlike IRL, there are absolutely no social consequences to how you behave. This lead to a famous IRC quote that can be found here.
Anonymity also allows people to entertain bizarre notions that would otherwise be suppressed or dismissed as completely inappropriate for an intelligent human being. Prior to the invention of the Internets, geographic separation and social sensibility would have made people think twice before having a bowl movement in their under clothing. The Internets however has facilitated the formation of a communities where similarly damaged individuals provide each other with mutual legitimization. Other perversions that are a direct result of the internets include:
Rumors on the Internets
Besides helping pedophiles better locate prey and giving basement-dwelling nerds a place to feel cool, the Internets has successfully promulgated more rumors than any other previous form of media. Thanks to the Internets, if you can think of it, it probably has an associated rumor.
Conspiracy Based
The most widely-known rumors are almost all "conspiracy-based," which is to say that they hinge upon an "us versus them" mindset (where "us" equals everything good and normal, and "them" equals everything wrong with the world). Some especially popular conspiracy rumors include:
- Conservative conspiracies
- Liberal conspiracies
- The Encyclopedia Dramatica conspiracy
- Homosexual conspiracies (also known as the Homosexual agenda)
- The worldwide Jewish conspiracy
- The worldwide Masonic conspiracy
- Religious conspiracies
- Ginger folk don't bite
- The Anti Internet Activists
- Most importantly, The Potato Conspiracy
Non-Conspiracy Based
Of course, not all rumors are conspiracy-oriented; many are just stories spread by various sources about certain individuals or groups. Common subjects of rumor, as well as those vectors and groups by which they are spread, include:
- AOL Instant Messenger
- Adolf Hitler
- Attention whores
- #Insub
- IRC
- LiveJournal
- LJDrama
- Mecha-Hitler
- Pornography
- Sixteen year-old girls
- Trolls
- Furries
- MySpace
- And most importantly Paris Hilton
The Internet is Serious Business
Some people speculate that the internet isn't just for lulz but they are wrong, and by the looks of it, Popular Opinion agrees. They tell us that the internet is serious fucking business and that it is used for such things as:
- Credit card transactions
- Business transactions
- Buying
- Selling
- Trading
- Rigorous political campaigns
- Networking
- And The Stock Market
People/Groups who Agree
- Fonzu
- Afro Dave
- SheezyArt
- deviantART
- Newgrounds
- FireFox
- adobe
- Microsoft(yup.. all that spyware is pretty damn serious if you ask me.)
- SonicRocksMySocks
- Psyguy
- Tony Eveready
- Hal Turner Biggest internet toughguy out there.
- Any other weirdo or Social Networking site you can think of.
See also
Rules Of The Internet Safe for work
| Internets is part of a series on serious business |
Internet Law • Irony • Internet disease • Internet drama • Identity theft Serious People |
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