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Solutions
for Families
Fathers:
The Book and CD Set
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Creating Happy Families |
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Solutions
For Families
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Solution
#1: Kindness
Solution
#2: Commitment
Solution
#3: Communication
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Solution
#4: Choices
Solution
#5: Well-Being
Solution
#6: Spirituality
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For many years we've
been defining the problems families face.
Researchers have been busy listing causes for
conflicts within the home. How about solutions? Solutions For Families
offers ways to strengthen family relationships.
It begins with a Family Survey designed to help
family members understand one another's honest
feelings. Twenty-four lessons are then presented
in a manner that every family can use. In each
lesson the concept, activity, discussion and
assignment are explained in easy-to-understand
terms. All lessons relate to the statements in
the Family Survey and include additional
activities for family enjoyment.
When the material in Solutions
For Families is used in homes with a
desire for improvement, wonderful changes will
occur. Families will experience increased love
and peace, and relationship s will be
strengthened in powerful ways.
Strong families can build strong individuals,
and those individuals can build the kind of world
we all dream of.
The good news is that there are
solutions.
It is time for solutions.
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Solution #1: KINDNESS |
"One
day my young daughter was late coming home from
school. I was both annoyed and worried. When she
came through the door I demanded in my upset tone
that she explain why she was late. She said,
'Mommy, I was walking home with Julie, and
halfway home Julie dropped her doll and it broke
into lots of little pieces.'
'Oh, honey,' I replied, 'you were late because
you helped Julie pick up the pieces of her doll
to put them back together.'
In her young and innocent voice my daughter
said, 'No Mommy, I didn't know how to fix the
doll. I just stayed to help Julie cry." (D.
Clark)
Kindness is the single most important
ingredient in a happy home. This is the
conclusion drawn in a family study completed by
researchers Dr. Ivan F. Beutler, Dr. Thomas R.
Lee and Dr. Wesley R. Burr. Kindness has been
chosen as the first and most important
"solution for families" because it is a
key to individual happiness and family peace.
Dr. Albert Schweitzer, a famous humanitarian
once said, "Kindness can accomplish much. As
the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes
misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to
evaporate."
As I have met with hundreds of families,
spoken to numerous groups about family issues,
and critically observed families for decades, I
have come to know that kindness is indeed a
foundational part of every happy home. Without
kindness, the money and the time we give our
families is meaningless. Where there is no
kindness, all attempts at family success are
useless.
Kindness can be shown in many ways, every day.
We have countless opportunities to demonstrate
kindness in the home. I've heard it said in
different ways but the message is always the
same: little, frequent acts of kindness are
appreciated far more than large material gifts
given without affection. Simple words and deeds
that show caring and concern for one another
should be a part of the fabric of family life.
When we treat one another as we would like to be
treated, showing kindness and love, our acts of
goodness will be noticed and imitated, creating
habits of kindness and traditions of family love.
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Some ways we can
show kindness:
Speak
gently, always being positive and lifting
others.
Help people with
no thought of reward.
Overlook others'
mistakes; have great patience with
imperfections.
Forgive easily
and quickly.
Put the needs
and desires of others before your own.
Share the good
things in your life freely.
Be genuinely
interested in the welfare of others.
Give of
yourself--especially your time.
Be polite and
courteous.
Share another's
burden.
Listen
patiently.
Set a good
example.
Resist the urge
to talk about others unkindly.
Treat others the
way you'd like to be treated.
Be fair and
honest at all times.
Love all people
unconditionally.
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In addition to
showing kindness in the ways mentioned above, we
can sometimes make a special effort to be kind by
scheduling acts of kindness individually and as a
family. We can set aside a little time on a
regular basis--five minutes, fifteen minutes, a n
hour--whatever we choose, and not let anything
interfere. We should treat this time for showing
kindness just like any other important scheduled
appointment. This time is for doing something
thoughtful. For example, we can call someone who
would like to hear from us, write a letter, or as
a family do an act of service. Anything we do
will be showing love and making the world a
better place. |
Showing kindness
in the home:
Demonstrates
the care and concern family members feel for
one another
Creates a loving
atmosphere
Prevents
problems
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We're all happiest
when we feel loved--when we know people care
about our feelings and have concern for our
well-being. Family members show their love to one
another through kind thoughts, kind words, kind
tones of voice and kind actions. Where there is
kindness, there is an atmosphere of love where
individuals and families thrive. Also, where
kindness exists problems that weaken families are
often prevented. Kindness can be thought of as
a circle. The kindness circle can be broken
either by the failure to show it, or by the
failure to receive it. It is equally important to
both show kindness and be able to receive it.
Usually we as parents are so concerned about
teaching children to give, that we don't help
them learn how to receive. Parents need to teach
children to be gracious and return kindness with
words and expressions of gratitude. For example,
thank you notes sent to gift-givers are always
appreciated , and often result in desires to give
again. Simple smiles and words of appreciation
following acts of kindness help keep the
"circle of kindness" intact. Russell
Lynes said, "The art of acceptance is the
art of making someone who has done you a small
favor wish that he might have done you a greater
one."
You may not believe that your family can
generously show kindness to one another because
perhaps your parents didn't demonstrate kindness
in your home. This is a challenge. Although you
have no control over the kindness shown to you,
you do have the power to choose how you think and
act. You can choose to begin new traditions of
kindness in your home. It will be more difficult
than if examples of kindness were part of your
heritage, but you can practice kindness in your
family and leave a legacy of love for your
children and grandchildren.
Kindness is the single most important
ingredient in a happy home. Henri Frederic Amiel
reminds us of the importance of this great virtue
with his words, "Life is short and we have
never too much time for gladdening the hearts of
those who are traveling the dark journey with us.
Oh, be swift to love....make haste to be
kind."
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Solution #2: COMMITMENT |
"I had no idea
she would be there. My apologies for her absence
had been well-rehearsed. When my high school
home economics teacher announced that we would be
having a formal mother-daughter tea, I felt
certain I would not be serving my mother at this
special event.
So I will never forget walking into the gaily
decorated gym--and there she was! As I looked at
her, sitting calmly and smiling, I imagined all
the arrangements this remarkable woman must have
had to make to be able to be with me for that one
hour.
Who was looking after Granny? She was
bedridden following a stroke, and Mom had to do
everything for her. My three little sisters would
be home from school before Mom got there. Who
would greet them and look at their papers?
How did she get here? We didn't own a car, and
she couldn't afford a taxi. It was a long walk to
get the bus, plus at least five more blocks to
the school. And the pretty dress she was wearing,
red with tiny white flowers, was just right for
the tea. It brought out the silver beginning to
show in her dark hair. There was no money for
extra clothes, and I knew she had gone into debt
again at our coal company store to have it.
I was so proud! I served her tea with a happy,
thankful heart, and introduced her boldly to the
group when our turn came. I sat with my mother
that day, just like the rest of the class, and
that was very important to me. The look of love
in her eyes told me she understood.
I have never forgotten. One of the promises I
made to myself and to my children, as young
mothers make promises, was that I would always be
there for them. That promise is difficult to keep
in today's busy world. But I have an example
before me that puts any lame excuses to rest. I
just recall again when Mother came to tea."
(Margie H. Coburn)
During our lifetimes we make many commitments.
We commit to being educated and to attend school.
We commit our loyalty to friends. We commit to
bank loan officers, employers and politicians.
However, of all the commitments we make in life,
commitment to our family is the most important.
What does being committed to our family mean?
I believe it means that we give our hearts and
our time to our family, no matter what the
consequences may be. We commit to doing whatever
is necessary to ensure family happiness. There
are countless ways to s how our commitment to our
family. I would like to suggest three things we
can do to demonstrate this virtue in our lives.
First, let
family members know without a doubt that we love
them.
During the years I was a school teacher I
taught over 3,000 students. Countless times
children would struggle to achieve, fully
believing that their parent's love for them was
conditional upon their success in school. At
first I thought the students were mistaken.
Surely parents wouldn't withdraw their love if
their child, in spite of his best efforts, did
poorly in the classroom. Sadly, too often I was
the one mistaken. There were many parents who saw
their child's performance at school as a
reflection o n them and treated the child
unkindly when he didn't meet their expectations.
These parents gave love only when grades were
high, contests were won, and rules were obeyed.
That is conditional love.
The issue of conditional love applies to
children as well. It is likely that children will
be more cheerful, obedient and loving at home
when they get things they want and life is
"going their way." However, when
parents ask those same children to do chores, or
give their time to the family when they'd rather
be doing something else, how do they respond?
All of us can examine ourselves and decide if
we demonstrate conditional or unconditional love
to family members. Unconditional love means that
we love the members of our family no matter how
they act. We can believe strongly that their
actions are wrong, and as parents we should
discipline our children for unacceptable
behavior. However, unconditional love means that
even when we disagree with a person's actions, we
still love them. We show that love through our
kind (sometimes necessarily firm) tone of voice,
and our kind words and actions, even when we are
in disagreement.
Family members need to show one another that
the basis of their relationship is unconditional
love, no strings attached, no matter what. We
need to look in our children's, our parent's, our
brother's and sister's eyes and say, "I love
you." Often. Family members need to know
that love for them does not depend on whether
they win the game, drive a fancy car, earn a
promotion at work, or anything else. We need to
make it very clear to one another that there is
nothing we must do to earn love. Nor is there
anything we can ever do that will destroy our
love for one another. This does not mean that we
aren't grieved when unwise decisions are made. We
still need to constantly strive to be the best we
can possibly be. But it does mean that we will
love one another no matter what happens.
The second
thing we can do to demonstrate commitment is to
let our family know that we will always be there
for them.
This powerful affirmation tells family members
they are of such immense value that someone is
willing to sacrifice for them--to give their very
life for them if necessary. Thankfully, we aren't
usually called upon to make huge sacrifices for
one another. But are day-to-day small sacrifices
sometimes difficult? Yes. Children, ask your
father what he feels like sometimes at work when
he is required to do things that take him to his
very limit. Ask your mother what she felt like
during her ninth month of pregnancy with you.
Parents, ask your children how they feel when
they've returned home after a long day at school
or work and you want them to cheerfully do chores
instead of relaxing. We all make sacrifices.
That's part of what being in a family is all
about. We give to one another because we love
each other and we believe in our long-term goals
of growth, peace and happiness.
Years ago I heard some good advice for
parents: "Be there at the crossroads of your
children's lives." This means that as often
as possible we need to be there when our children
come home from school. We need to be there when
our children hit their first home run, graduate
from school, and when our teenagers need to talk
(usually late at night). Time is precious. Time
is what lives are made of. We need to be so
committed to our children that we are willing to
give them our time. Children don't thrive on
"leftover time" as well as on
"prime time." Even when it is
inconvenient, we should be there for our children
whenever possible. I'm not saying that we should
give to our children at the expense of our own
identities. There ca n be a balance, and we
usually know when we are giving too little or too
much.
This concept needs to be extended to children
also. Children need to understand that families
are like teams--they work together to reach the
same goals. Children have very important
positions on the team and are needed to make it
work well. Children, did you know that your
parents need you to support, appreciate and love
them just as much as you need them? As you become
adults and your parents get old, they may need
you to help them just like they helped you when
you were a baby. It's called the circle o f life.
Love is communicated in many ways. One of the
most powerful ways we can show our love is to be
there for our family when they need us.
The third
way we can show our commitment to our family is
to always be honest.
Parents and children alike should have an
understanding that they will never, ever
purposely say something that is not true. When
you practice the principle of honesty in your
home, then confidence, respect, and trust exist.
This works for both parents an d children.
Parents, our children will notice any
inconsistencies between what we say and the way
we live. Our inconsistencies will undermine our
credibility. They will also destroy our
opportunity to discipline our children,
especially in their teenage years, when t hey
begin to question our authority. If we establish
a high level of consistency in our words and
actions, our children will soon discover that
they can count on us to follow through with what
we have said, whether that results in something
positive or negative. For example, when we tell
our child, "If you come home late again, I
am going to take away your driving
privileges," we must do what we said, even
if it is difficult or inconvenient. On the other
hand, when we tell our children, "If you
clean up your room, I will take you swimming this
afternoon," we must keep our promise.
Otherwise, our children will quickly realize that
our words don't have any real meaning. A broken
promise is a lie to a child. Consistent
truth-telling on the parents' parts sets the
ground rules for honesty on the children's part.
Children, there also needs to be consistency
in your words and actions. When parents know
without a doubt that you are honest, they trust
you and they can allow you more freedom. When
parents know that you will keep your promises,
they are more willing to make promises with you.
Usually parents trust their children until
children lie. Then trust is diminished and
difficult to restore. The fact is that dishonesty
damages relationships. Once relationships are
broken they can only be repaired by repeated,
healing acts of honesty. A good way to show your
commitment to your family by being honest with
them.
I have
six additional thoughts on commitment. When we
are committed to family:
We
understand that commitment includes fidelity
between spouses. This generates a sense of
trust and security.
We have a unity
among family members that puts the family
first, but at the same time we help each
individual reach his or her potential and
actively promote the well-being of each
family member.
We understand
that no person and no family is perfect. We
tolerate one another's shortcomings and
practice patience.
We recognize
that abuse and abandonment are not options.
We seek
solutions when problems arise and make
resolutions to improve.
We celebrate and
adapt to inevitable family changes.
Perhaps the greatest value of commitment is
that it serves as an expression of love. Love is
a concept that the experts have trouble defining.
But strong families know what love means. It
means commitment. It means being there through
thick and thin, and it means not giving up when
the going gets tough. Commitment is not an easy
skill to learn. It requires hard work and much
practice. It is meeting the responsibilities of
family relationships. Nonetheless, it is worth
it--it makes all the difference. Family
commitment guarantees rich rewards.
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Solution #3: COMMUNICATION |
Robert was a new
employee with his company. Getting established as
a successful salesman demanded a great deal of
time and energy, both physical and emotional. "I
would sometimes wake up at night," Robert
said, "in a cold sweat feeling anxious about
whether I would make it as a salesman. I worried
about having enough money to make ends meet. Some
months I made adequate income and some months I
did not.
I was becoming an emotional wreck, but didn't
share my feelings with my wife Sherie. I guess
because I didn't think it was the macho thing to
do. I wanted to appear strong and in control to
her. But she wasn't fooled. One evening while we
were walking in the park, she said, "Robert,
you're feeling pretty uptight about how things
are going at work, aren't you?" I told her
that I was not tense at all, that everything was
okay. She didn't let me off the hook. "Yes,
you are worried," she insisted, "and I
think it's natural. But I don't like to see you
feel this way. Let's talk about it and see if
your situation is as bad as it seems, and what we
can do to make things better."
At that point I opened up to her and shared
all of my frustration and concerns. I felt like a
dam had been opened up inside me. I had not
talked with anyone about this and it was a great
relief to finally get it out. We talked about
ways to cut our expenses and things we could live
without.
Then Sherie asked me, "What would be the
worst thing that could possibly happen?" I
answered, "The worst thing is that I would
lose my job." Then she reminded me that if I
lost my job we would still be able to make it on
her income, an d her job was very stable. We
would have to make some changes, but we could
make it.
That talk helped a great deal. My sales
gradually increased and today I'm one of the top
salesmen for the company. But that's not the most
important part of the story. The most important
part is that on that evening years ago Sherie was
sensitive enough and interested in me enough to
know that I was hurting and needed to talk. She
cared enough to start the conversation. As a
result of talking through that situation, I felt
closer to Sherie than I ever had. I think that
established our close bond with each other more
than any other single event and it set the
pattern for that type of caring, open
communication." (Story from the manual
"Celebrating Family Strengths" produced
by the University of Oklahoma.)
Experts tell us that communication is the
process or way we transfer information from one
person to another so that it is received and
understood. Received and understood
are the key words. We can't call it communication
if one person talks and another appears to
listen. It is only communication--real
communication--if information is received and
understood. Communication is sharing ideas,
feelings and viewpoints.
In the book Secrets of Strong Families,
Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain write, "Good
communication isn't something that just happens
among strong families, they make it
happen."
We could say that communication is a two-way
street with lots of traffic signs and billboards.
To really communicate we have to be able to read
the signs as we drive and watch for oncoming
traffic.
The advantages of positive, open communication
are many. Family members who have learned to
communicate well with each other have learned to
talk and to listen carefully. They know and feel
each other's joys and sorrows through the sharing
of their thoughts.
Family members who communicate well also
know how to laugh together. They enjoy a sense of
humor that brings happiness to their lives. They
are able to openly express their feelings,
differences, similarities and hopes for the
future. They practice positive ways of handling
conflict so problems are brought out into the
open and discussed, and solutions are found.
When family members listen carefully to each
other they communicate an unspoken but powerful
message--that they respect one another. Listening
says, "I respect you enough to listen to
what you have to say."
Learning and strengthening communication
skills doesn't mean an end to all problems; it
doesn't mean that strong families don't have
conflict. They do. Family members get angry with
each other, misunderstand one another and
sometimes just disagree. But when they
communicate they're able to get their differences
out in the open where they can talk about them,
discuss the problem and come to a satisfactory
solution which is agreeable for everyone. That
doesn't mean that the solution will give all
involved exactly what they want, it just means
they've reached a common ground upon which they
can agree.
Good communication provides security and
safety. People know where they stand in the
family, and that gives them a feeling of
well-being.
Sometimes we take family communication for
granted. We may think we communicate well just
because we're a family or because we spend a good
deal of time together. But each of us can learn
to communicate better.
Four parts
of good communication:
1. Listening
Listening is vital to good communication.
It strengthens relationships by showing that
the listener cares about the person speaking.
Really listening involves paying attention to
what the speaker says both verbally and
nonverbally. It is hearing with the heart as
well as with the ears.
2.
Rephrasing
Rephrasing is restating the basic message
in fewer or different words to be sure you
understand the speaker and to let him know
you're listening and trying to understand.
3. Probing
Probing encourages the speaker to say more
by asking questions about his feelings.
Probing directs the speaker's attention
inward to examine his feelings and thoughts
in more depth. This also shows caring and
concern on the part of the listener.
4. Positive
Speaking
Positive speaking shows kindness and shows
that relationships are valued. It aims at
strengthening relationships by building up
the other person.
Relationships are built one interaction at a
time. Each interaction moves the relationship in
positive or a negative ways. We can't change
relationships over night, but making improvements
in our communication skills will always move our
relationships in positive directions.
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Solution #4: CHOICES |
A father from
Wisconsin showed special insight when he spoke
about choices he made: "Sometimes
in the scrambled schedule of life I get to
feeling like the time I spend with my sons could
better be spent on work. And then I remind myself
that the budget request or schedule of who works
when or the productivity report will affect life
for a few days or weeks. I have to do it and it
is somewhat important--but my job as a father is
most important. If I'm a good father to my sons
they are likely to be good fathers, too. Someday
after I'm gone, and certainly after those reports
have rotted, a grandchild or great-grandchild of
mine will have a good father or mother because I
was a good father. It's kind of a chain
reaction."
A
businessman from Oklahoma made some wise choices:
"I used to worry a lot; in my business
it's easy to do. It got to the point it was about
to break me. Then somehow a very important thing
happened to me and I don't know exactly how it
happened. I finally realized deep within myself
that it was not possible for me to control every
little aspect of my life as well as the lives of
others, as I had been trying to do. I decided
that I could do the best that I could do, but
then I had to let go. I had to trust more in
other people and in life. I can't do everything
on my own, I can't carry the world on my
shoulders. This realization gave me an
indescribable feeling of relief. Now I'm a much
more relaxed, effective and productive
person."
Every person and every family has problems.
The choices we make as to how we deal with our
problems often make the difference between our
happiness or unhappiness. No matter how
devastating our circumstances, we can still
choose how we think, how we perceive life.
Included in the lesson on responsibility is
Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote, "No one
can offend me without my permission." We can
choose how we react to our circumstances, our
environment and the people around us. Choice is
powerful and truly a gift. Even as I write that
statement I fully understand that many, many
choices in our lives are beyond our control; in
many ways we don't have control over our lives.
However, the choice of attitude is always ours.
I'd like to share some ideas for dealing with
problems that are based on research completed at
the University of Oklahoma. These are all
positive choices which can be made by families as
they deal with conflict in their lives.
1. Focus on
the positive.
Problems can be painful, but they can also
be turning points. Families should try to
learn something positive from each challenge.
The ability to focus on how our problems can
make us stronger is a habit that takes time.
When problems arise, family members can help
one another form this good habit by asking,
"What can we learn from this?" or,
"How can this challenge help strengthen
our family?"
2. Maintain
open channels of communication.
The free expression of all family members'
feelings is an important step in surviving a
crisis. When everybody in a family knows that
they are being listened to and that their
concerns are being considered, there is a
sense of togetherness and strength.
3. Pull
together as a family.
Family members need to unite when facing
problems. Former United States President John
F. Kennedy once said, "Ask not what your
country can do for you, ask what you can do
for your country." We can use similar
thoughts in our homes. Instead of focusing on
our own individual needs we need to ask one
another, "What can I do to help
you?" In a crisis situation it is
especially important to ask family members
what their needs are and how we can help
them. When a family pulls together nobody
takes all the responsibility for a
problem--it is shared by all. This is like
putting fifty pounds on your back instead of
three hundred. Ideally, families are like
teams--they have goals and work together to
be successful. When they act like a team,
pulling together for maximum strength, they
can better overcome obstacles and reach their
goals.
4. Stay
flexible.
Change is unavoidable. It's how we adapt
to change that helps create our happiness or
unhappiness. Flexibility is the key for
families, like any organization, when coping
with change. Flexibility doesn't mean doing
away with rules. It means being willing to
adjust how things may be done in the family
and who does them. This includes changing
responsibilities and roles as family members
grow. It also means that during times of
crisis family members need to cheerfully
adapt to changes that may be necessary to
weather the storm. Again, family member's
attitudes--the choices they make as to how
they'll react--make all the difference.
5. Draw on
spiritual resources.
Most strong families hold to a way of life
that includes a belief in God. They use this
belief to influence their day-to-day
decisions and to sustain them during times of
crisis.
6. Seek help
outside the family.
Families are a special unit unto
themselves, but they shouldn't be isolated
from others. Strong families have many
outside relationships who can be called on in
times of need. Families should seek others'
help when needed, and give help when others
have need.
Problems can be a gift; they provide
opportunities to use family strengths, help
families appreciate the good times and grow
closer together. How families perceive and deal
with their challenges are significant choices.
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Solution #5: WELL-BEING
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A businessman shared
what he learned about well-being when he told
this story: "I started my adult
life with a bang, you might say. My parents were
moderately well-to-do and gave me a good start in
my own business. It flourished and things looked
rosy for ten years or so. Then the economy went
sour at about the time I had made some risky
investments. One by one those went down the
tubes. In the end we lost everything--house, cars
and the business.
My wife and I sat out by the lake one night
and talked until the sun came up. I remember
feeling like I had been stripped of
everything--like I had been robbed. 'Why try
again?', I asked her. 'We may work and work only
to lose it.' We struggled with that a long time.
Finally, we decided that we had been thinking
wrong. The purpose of life isn't to accumulate
money, swimming pools, cars and fur coats. The
purpose of life is to enjoy life because it is a
precious gift--to cherish your family and
friends, to become a better person intellectually
and spiritually and to help other people. The
investments of time and effort I make in family
and friends, in charitable work and in improving
myself can never be lost. Things in the mind and
heart can not be taken away.
We did start over again and have enjoyed
success. We've replaced many of the material
things we lost, but most importantly, we have
changed our thoughts. The job, the possessions,
the money are no longer an end in themselves.
They are a means of making life pleasant and
serving others. If I lost them all tomorrow, I
would still feel rich."
Well-being is a way of life, a way of
encouraging each family member to realize his or
her potential physically, mentally, socially and
spiritually. Some characteristics of families who
enjoy well-being:
1. They work
toward reaching their individual potentials
within a caring, supportive environment.
What a difference it makes when our families
support us in our interests and activities! All
people have a need to be appreciated and loved.
We're usually more successful at reaching our
goals when our family is "there for us"
when we need them.
2. They try
to live a healthy lifestyle.
When we're free from illness and pain we can
more easily work on improving our mental, social
and spiritual goals. Health is a gift that we
should daily work to protect.
3. They
discuss their values, rules and goals. They work
together and help one another live the values
they believe.
There truly is strength in numbers. When we,
in our families, openly discuss our values, and
together set rules and goals, there is strength.
We feel the unity and power of our family, and
it's a good feeling. We then can help one another
live the values, obey the rules, and reach the
goals we set together.
4. They have
a positive outlook on life.
Positive attitudes are contagious. In our
families we have incredible power to affect one
another with our attitudes--in positive and
negative ways. A saying that I heard once was
posted on our refrigerator for years: "Be
wise if you can, be pretty if you are, but be
cheerful if it kills you." Optimism and a
sense of humor are virtues every family needs in
large quantities.
5. They work
to build strong relationships with one another.
People aren't best friends just because they
were born into the same family. Strong
relationships requires time and effort. Usually
good relationships result after years of words
and actions which prove concern and affection.
Family members have countless opportunities to
build strong, long-lasting relationships. That's
one of the blessings of being a family.
6. They
recognize problems and conflicts but focus on
their ability to deal with the problems and to
grow from the challenges.
With most family problems families should
gather together, discuss the problem and possible
solutions. After every family member has shared
his or her opinion, a solution is chosen and the
family works together to solve the problem.
During family discussions about problems and
after problems are past the crisis stage, ask
questions like "What can we learn from
this?" or, "What can we do to prevent
this from happening again?" Hopefully,
families learn and grow closer from their
challenges.
Researchers from the University of Oklahoma
believe that when families are "well"
and strong, they benefit in these ways:
Family
members feel loved and accepted.
This helps each person develop a feeling of
good self-worth and it contributes to the
well-being of the entire family.
Feelings of
well-being help family members want to spending
time together.
People who like, trust and respect each other
enjoy spending time with each other and will set
aside quantity and quality time to do that.
Having special time for family creates strong
bonds between members.
The
well-being of family members helps open the
channels of communication.
Each member of the family is listened to and
each is allowed a voice in family matters.
The ability
to deal with crisis is improved.
When there is family well-being, family
members can deal with conflict in creative,
constructive ways.
Well-being
helps support family commitment.
When family members enjoy feelings of
well-being there are more happy marriages, good
parent-child relationships and better cooperation
among brothers and sisters. Ties between
generations also are supported and strengthened.
It is apparent that there are serious problems
in this world. Many people stand in need of help.
But it's also apparent that there is well-being
in the world and that it has unlimited potential.
When individuals enjoy well-being and are members
of well families, those individuals can encourage
well-being in others.
Just as we grow and develop one day at a time,
so individual and family well-being is a slow
process. Creating things of worth usually take
time. We need to be kind and patient with
ourselves and with our families as we strive for
well-being. It isn't a goal which, once achieved,
is neglected. Well-being is a daily, even a
moment-to-moment challenge. It is one of the
adventures of life.
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today I will try
to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn
something useful
I will not be a mental
loafer. I will read something that requires
effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will
exercise my soul in three ways. I will do
somebody a good turn,
and not get discovered; if
anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do
at least two things
I don't want to do, just
for exercise. I will not show anyone that my
feelings are hurt;
they may be hurt, but
today I will not show it.
Just for today I will have
a quiet half hour all by myself to relax. During
this half
hour I will try to get a
better perspective of my life.
Just for today I will have
a plan. I may not follow it exactly, but I will
have it. It will save me
from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will be
agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress
becomingly,
talk low, act courteously,
criticize not at all, never find fault with
anything,
and never try to improve
or regulate anybody except myself.
Just for today I will try
to live through this day only and not tackle
my life problems all at
once.
Just for today I will
adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust
everything to
my own desires. I will
take my life as it comes and fit myself to it.
Just for today I will be
happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham
Lincoln
said, "Most folks are
about as happy as they make up their minds to
be."
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Solution #6: SPIRITUALITY |
A mother, wishing to
encourage her son's progress at the piano, bought
tickets to a Paderewski performance. When the
evening arrived, they found their seats near the
front of the concert hall and eyed the majestic
Steinway piano waiting on the stage. Soon the
mother found a friend to talk to, and the boy
slipped away. At eight o'clock, the lights in the
auditorium began to dim, the spotlights came on,
and only then did they notice the boy--up on the
piano bench, innocently picking out
"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." His
mother gasped, but before she could retrieve her
son, the master appeared on the stage and quickly
moved to the keyboard. He whispered to the boy,
"Don't quit. Keep playing." Leaning
over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand
and began filling in the bass part. Soon his
right arm reached around the other side and
improvised a delightful obbligato. Together, the
old master and the young novice held the crowd
mesmerized.
In our lives, unpolished though we may be, it
is God who surrounds us and whispers in our ear
time and time again, "Don't quit. Keep
playing." And, as we do, He augments and
supplements until a work of amazing beauty is
created.
If you were to identify the foundation piece
you wish to have for you family, what would it
be? May I share ours? For the Fellingham Family
it is spirituality. Our belief in God and our
love for Him help direct our lives and our
decisions. This is not to say that either or
lives or our decisions meet with God's approval,
but rather I share with you our great desire that
God be the rock upon which we are founded.
Being well aware that this is a sensitive
subject and not wanting to offend, I approach the
issue of spirituality carefully. Knowing that
there are many ways to experience spirituality, I
would like to simply share with you my
interpretation of how spirituality works for our
family in day-to-day living.
The four lessons in this chapter are Believe,
Pray, Worship and Share. I would like to write
about these parts of spirituality from
experiences in my home. You may have different,
highly effective ways of experiencing
spirituality in your family. I would thoroughly
enjoy hearing about them.
Believe
We believe that God exists and that He loves
us. Because of these beliefs we look for God's
hand in all the beauties of the world. We give
Him gratitude and glory for all good things in
our lives. Believing that God loves us gives our
family a wonderful feeling of comfort and
security --knowing that Someone is aware of us
and cares about our lives. God sees our efforts
to do what is right, and He knows the secret
desires of our hearts. We also believe that when
we fail He will forgive, and give us the strength
to try again.
Because we believe that there is a
"master plan" for this world and for
us, we feel there is a purpose for this life, and
we believe that the things we do to improve our
lives have meaning.
We believe that God has expectations for us
and He set forth rules and guidelines for us to
follow. These rules were not made to be barriers
and stumbling blocks, but rather to make our road
smoother and to bring us joy through obedience.
We have discovered as a family that when we are
living in accordance with God's laws and
commandments we're happier. It is our belief that
since God never forces His will on us, the
principle of free agency is an important one. Our
family has learned that we actually have more
freedom when we make wise choices and obey God's
laws.
Believing in God, seeking His help and
guidance in our lives, and feeling His love for
us has been an integral part of our family life.
Pray
Our family believes that God wants to help us
and that He will help us according to His great
wisdom and love. We ask for God's help when we
speak with Him in prayer. We've found that
sometimes the way God helps us isn't exactly the
way we wanted or expected His help. However,
hind-sight has shown us that His method of
answering our prayers has always helped us learn
and grow.
Communicating with God through prayer has been
a strength to us in times of need. In our
immediate family we have experienced death and
near-death. Twice in hospital emergency rooms I
have been told by doctors that they were sorry,
but there was nothing that modern medicine could
do for my children. I've struggled in
relationships that have caused me heartache and
deep disappointment. In my hours of emotional and
spiritual need I have turned to God in earnest
prayer. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that
in those hours I was strengthened by God. He
heard and answered my prayers.
Communicating with God? It sounds incredible.
I believe, however, that prayer is a gift from a
loving God. He cares about our well-being and
happiness. Our family prays each morning before
we go our separate ways, and then we kneel in
prayer together at the end of each day. We also
pray before each meal. Then, as I mentioned, we
pray during times of special need. I think that
the formalities of what we say are not as
important as the act of reaching out to God in
faith that He will hear us.
Worship
Worship is defined as the act or feeling of
adoration or homage; the paying of religious
reverence as in prayer, praise, etc. The word
adoration is defined as an emotion of profound
admiration, utmost love and devotion. According
to this definition, the thing we worship in life
is what we adore, admire, love and show devotion
to. Does that describe our feelings about God?
That question helps us think about how we
worship God. It causes us to reflect on the
things we show devotion to and adore. I can't
help but think about the days and weeks I've
spent dreaming about and planning for homes we've
built. I believe, however, that our hearts play a
role in this matter. Where are our hearts? Do we
treasure our possessions more than our
relationships? Do we care more about accumulating
money than we care about our family? Have we ever
sought power or promotions at the expense of our
integrity? I sincerely believe that every day we
show what it is we worship by the way we live our
lives. We prove where our heart lies with every
decision we make. The definition of worship helps
us realize that if we truly worship God we'll try
to live as He would have us live. In our family
when we're faced with decisions we try to
remember to ask ourselves the question,
"What would God have us do?" The answer
is usually obvious and simple.
Attending a weekly worship service as a family
has been a source of spiritual strength for us.
As we gather weekly with those who believe as we
do, we have the opportunity of learning more
about God during the worship service, and also
discerning who in our religious community may
need our help. I believe that people truly
worship God when they are obedient to His laws,
when they're kind and unselfish, and when they
love their fellow men. Then, because of their
good lives, others will want to know more about
God.
Share
When you hear some really good news, what do
you immediately want to do? When I hear good news
I want to share it with someone. If it's really
exciting, life-changing good news I want to shout
it from the rooftops and tell the whole world. I
believe that the strength and peace God can bring
into your family's life is good
news....life-changing good news.
It is very difficult to raise a good family.
In the book A Tale of Two Cities author
Charles Dickens wrote, "It was the best of
times; it was the worst of times." Sometimes
do you feel that way in your family? One moment
you're discouraged and feel like a failure. The
next moment something happens that fills your
heart with gratitude and hope. Our families can
be the source of our greatest concern and
heartache, and also the source of our greatest
joy and happiness.
I believe that we don't have to raise our
families alone. We don't have to struggle through
the years without help. God is there for all of
us. God will help us if we turn to Him and seek
His guiding power and influence in our lives.
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the proceeds goes to helping the Families
Worldwide cause.
For more information, please email us
detailing the information you desire,
Or Send us mail:
Families
Worldwide
75 East Fort Union Blvd.
Salt Lake City, UT 84047
USA
Fax us: USA 801/562-6008,
or Call us: USA 801/562-6185
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HAPPY FAMILIES
The Building
Blocks of Strong Communities & Nations
The greatest resource to solving society's
problems is found within the hearts and homes of
families and individual family members. This
resource is the universal love of parents for
their children, and a desire for their children
to lead happy, productive lives.
As families are taught correct principles
through proven family strengthening skills, and
are given simple, practical tools, they are
empowered to strengthen family bonds and attain
true happiness. In the process communities and
nations are enriched and strengthened one
building block (family) at a time.
CREATING HAPPY
FAMILIES
Workshop
This two-day "train the trainer"
workshop is an invaluable tool for those who work
with small groups or individual families and
family members. Based on the truism that the
family itself is the ultimate support group to
its individual members, the workshop teaches
counselors and facilitators to help families:
Recognize the
Source of True Happiness
True happiness is found within the hearts and
homes of families. Our happiest times are spent
with those we love.
Recognize Healthy
Family Characteristics
Healthy Families are committed to each other,
appreciative, share traditions, spend time
together, communicate openly, solve problems
together, and share common beliefs.
Assess Their Own
Strengths & Weaknesses
Families cannot improve unless they know where
they are in relationship to where they would like
to be.
Set Personalized
Goals
What is needed in one family may be a strength of
another. Of most value to families are relevant,
personalized goals.
Cultivate Happy
Memories
Happy times and memories is the glue that binds
families together in loving, living
relationships.
WORKSHOP TOOLS AND
RESOURCES
Family
Profile
Research has shown that there are seven key
characteristics of strong families. The Family
Profile is a unique tool that helps families
evaluate themselves in each of these seven areas.
Family members respond to statements based on how
they individually perceive their own family to
be, then, a second time, reflecting how they
would like their family to be. The two sets of
responses are tabulated and compared. At a
glance, the family can determine those areas that
need attention.
Family
Handbook
This large page handbook is a companion resource
to the Family Profile. The handbook is divided
into seven sections, one each for the seven key
characteristics. Each section contains fun,
helpful activities and suggestions that families
may use to strengthen specific characteristics.
By using this manual regularly, the family will
shore up weaker areas and enhance its own
strengths.
Golden Hour
Of the Seven Characteristics of Strong Families,
the single most important is Time Together. For
families to succeed, time must be set aside
weekly just for the family. We call this time the
Golden Hour--a time where the stresses,
pressures, and distractions of the outside world
are set aside. This weekly family time is a time
to make happy, pleasant memories. If faithfully
observed, family bonds will be nurtured and
strengthened, communication and commitment will
grow.
"The
greatest work we will ever do will be within the
walls of our own homes". (Harold
B. Lee)
Testimonials
"This is one of the most beneficial
workshops I've attended. It really got to the
heart of the matter. I will be using it with my
own family to improve our relationships, as well
as using it in my job as I work with other
families."
--Counselor, McAllen, Texas
"I'm writing as an inmate of the
Utah State Prison. I have been involved with the
program for the last three years of my
incarceration, and have found it to be an
invaluable program to help bridge the gap in
family relationships. In my opinion, it is the
only program here at the prison that deals
directly with healing the wounds of
misunderstanding within the family unit."
--Inmate, Utah State Prison
"Words cannot express how happy and
content I feel in my life. I am not the same
person I was when we first started [with the
program]. I am in control of my life again, and I
thank you."
--Single mother, Louisiana
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Families Worldwide
has helped strengthen over 30,000 families in the
United States, Canada, Scotland, England, South
Africa, Australia, New Zealand, South and Central
America, Turkey, and India.
After a five year national search, the Families in Focus
program was selected by the Office of Juvenile
Justice and Delinquency Prevention as one of the
top 25 programs for parenting and family
management in the United States. The program was
adopted by the United Nations as it's core
program for the International
Year of the Family Conference held
in Salt Lake City, Utah, USA in 1995.
Families Worldwide and its programs can work for
you within your existing organization or group,
or in a new organization that we will help you
set up. For more information, please contact us
in one of the following ways:Send us an email
detailing the information you desire,
Send us mail:
Families
Worldwide
75 East Fort Union Blvd.
Salt Lake City, UT 84047
USA
Fax us: USA 801/562-6008,
or Call us: USA 801/562-6185
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