Solutions for Families

 Fathers: The Book and CD Set

Solutions For Families

Solution #1: Kindness

Solution #2: Commitment

Solution #3: Communication

Solution #4: Choices

Solution #5: Well-Being

Solution #6: Spirituality

Solutions For Families offers ways to strengthen family relationships. It begins with a Family Survey designed to help family members understand one another's honest feelings. Twenty-four lessons are then presented in a manner that every family can use. In each lesson the concept, activity, discussion and assignment are explained in easy-to-understand terms. All lessons relate to the statements in the Family Survey and include additional activities for family enjoyment.

When the material in Solutions For Families is used in homes with a desire for improvement, wonderful changes will occur. Families will experience increased love and peace, and relationship s will be strengthened in powerful ways.

Strong families can build strong individuals, and those individuals can build the kind of world we all dream of.

The good news is that there are solutions.

It is time for solutions.

She said, 'Mommy, I was walking home with Julie, and halfway home Julie dropped her doll and it broke into lots of little pieces.'

'Oh, honey,' I replied, 'you were late because you helped Julie pick up the pieces of her doll to put them back together.'

In her young and innocent voice my daughter said, 'No Mommy, I didn't know how to fix the doll. I just stayed to help Julie cry." (D. Clark)

Kindness is the single most important ingredient in a happy home. This is the conclusion drawn in a family study completed by researchers Dr. Ivan F. Beutler, Dr. Thomas R. Lee and Dr. Wesley R. Burr. Kindness has been chosen as the first and most important "solution for families" because it is a key to individual happiness and family peace.

Dr. Albert Schweitzer, a famous humanitarian once said, "Kindness can accomplish much. As the sun makes ice melt, kindness causes misunderstanding, mistrust and hostility to evaporate."

As I have met with hundreds of families, spoken to numerous groups about family issues, and critically observed families for decades, I have come to know that kindness is indeed a foundational part of every happy home. Without kindness, the money and the time we give our families is meaningless. Where there is no kindness, all attempts at family success are useless.

Kindness can be shown in many ways, every day. We have countless opportunities to demonstrate kindness in the home. I've heard it said in different ways but the message is always the same: little, frequent acts of kindness are appreciated far more than large material gifts given without affection. Simple words and deeds that show caring and concern for one another should be a part of the fabric of family life. When we treat one another as we would like to be treated, showing kindness and love, our acts of goodness will be noticed and imitated, creating habits of kindness and traditions of family love.

 Speak gently, always being positive and lifting others.
 Help people with no thought of reward.
 Overlook others' mistakes; have great patience with imperfections.
 Forgive easily and quickly.
 Put the needs and desires of others before your own.
 Share the good things in your life freely.
 Be genuinely interested in the welfare of others.
 Give of yourself--especially your time.
 Be polite and courteous.
 Share another's burden.
 Listen patiently.
 Set a good example.
 Resist the urge to talk about others unkindly.
 Treat others the way you'd like to be treated.
 Be fair and honest at all times.
 Love all people unconditionally.

 Demonstrates the care and concern family members feel for one another
 Creates a loving atmosphere
 Prevents problems

Kindness can be thought of as a circle. The kindness circle can be broken either by the failure to show it, or by the failure to receive it. It is equally important to both show kindness and be able to receive it. Usually we as parents are so concerned about teaching children to give, that we don't help them learn how to receive. Parents need to teach children to be gracious and return kindness with words and expressions of gratitude. For example, thank you notes sent to gift-givers are always appreciated , and often result in desires to give again. Simple smiles and words of appreciation following acts of kindness help keep the "circle of kindness" intact. Russell Lynes said, "The art of acceptance is the art of making someone who has done you a small favor wish that he might have done you a greater one."

You may not believe that your family can generously show kindness to one another because perhaps your parents didn't demonstrate kindness in your home. This is a challenge. Although you have no control over the kindness shown to you, you do have the power to choose how you think and act. You can choose to begin new traditions of kindness in your home. It will be more difficult than if examples of kindness were part of your heritage, but you can practice kindness in your family and leave a legacy of love for your children and grandchildren.

Kindness is the single most important ingredient in a happy home. Henri Frederic Amiel reminds us of the importance of this great virtue with his words, "Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh, be swift to love....make haste to be kind."

When my high school home economics teacher announced that we would be having a formal mother-daughter tea, I felt certain I would not be serving my mother at this special event.

So I will never forget walking into the gaily decorated gym--and there she was! As I looked at her, sitting calmly and smiling, I imagined all the arrangements this remarkable woman must have had to make to be able to be with me for that one hour.

Who was looking after Granny? She was bedridden following a stroke, and Mom had to do everything for her. My three little sisters would be home from school before Mom got there. Who would greet them and look at their papers?

How did she get here? We didn't own a car, and she couldn't afford a taxi. It was a long walk to get the bus, plus at least five more blocks to the school. And the pretty dress she was wearing, red with tiny white flowers, was just right for the tea. It brought out the silver beginning to show in her dark hair. There was no money for extra clothes, and I knew she had gone into debt again at our coal company store to have it.

I was so proud! I served her tea with a happy, thankful heart, and introduced her boldly to the group when our turn came. I sat with my mother that day, just like the rest of the class, and that was very important to me. The look of love in her eyes told me she understood.

I have never forgotten. One of the promises I made to myself and to my children, as young mothers make promises, was that I would always be there for them. That promise is difficult to keep in today's busy world. But I have an example before me that puts any lame excuses to rest. I just recall again when Mother came to tea." (Margie H. Coburn)

During our lifetimes we make many commitments. We commit to being educated and to attend school. We commit our loyalty to friends. We commit to bank loan officers, employers and politicians. However, of all the commitments we make in life, commitment to our family is the most important.

What does being committed to our family mean? I believe it means that we give our hearts and our time to our family, no matter what the consequences may be. We commit to doing whatever is necessary to ensure family happiness. There are countless ways to s how our commitment to our family. I would like to suggest three things we can do to demonstrate this virtue in our lives.

First, let family members know without a doubt that we love them.

During the years I was a school teacher I taught over 3,000 students. Countless times children would struggle to achieve, fully believing that their parent's love for them was conditional upon their success in school. At first I thought the students were mistaken. Surely parents wouldn't withdraw their love if their child, in spite of his best efforts, did poorly in the classroom. Sadly, too often I was the one mistaken. There were many parents who saw their child's performance at school as a reflection o n them and treated the child unkindly when he didn't meet their expectations. These parents gave love only when grades were high, contests were won, and rules were obeyed. That is conditional love.

The issue of conditional love applies to children as well. It is likely that children will be more cheerful, obedient and loving at home when they get things they want and life is "going their way." However, when parents ask those same children to do chores, or give their time to the family when they'd rather be doing something else, how do they respond?

All of us can examine ourselves and decide if we demonstrate conditional or unconditional love to family members. Unconditional love means that we love the members of our family no matter how they act. We can believe strongly that their actions are wrong, and as parents we should discipline our children for unacceptable behavior. However, unconditional love means that even when we disagree with a person's actions, we still love them. We show that love through our kind (sometimes necessarily firm) tone of voice, and our kind words and actions, even when we are in disagreement.

Family members need to show one another that the basis of their relationship is unconditional love, no strings attached, no matter what. We need to look in our children's, our parent's, our brother's and sister's eyes and say, "I love you." Often. Family members need to know that love for them does not depend on whether they win the game, drive a fancy car, earn a promotion at work, or anything else. We need to make it very clear to one another that there is nothing we must do to earn love. Nor is there anything we can ever do that will destroy our love for one another. This does not mean that we aren't grieved when unwise decisions are made. We still need to constantly strive to be the best we can possibly be. But it does mean that we will love one another no matter what happens.

The second thing we can do to demonstrate commitment is to let our family know that we will always be there for them.

This powerful affirmation tells family members they are of such immense value that someone is willing to sacrifice for them--to give their very life for them if necessary. Thankfully, we aren't usually called upon to make huge sacrifices for one another. But are day-to-day small sacrifices sometimes difficult? Yes. Children, ask your father what he feels like sometimes at work when he is required to do things that take him to his very limit. Ask your mother what she felt like during her ninth month of pregnancy with you. Parents, ask your children how they feel when they've returned home after a long day at school or work and you want them to cheerfully do chores instead of relaxing. We all make sacrifices. That's part of what being in a family is all about. We give to one another because we love each other and we believe in our long-term goals of growth, peace and happiness.

Years ago I heard some good advice for parents: "Be there at the crossroads of your children's lives." This means that as often as possible we need to be there when our children come home from school. We need to be there when our children hit their first home run, graduate from school, and when our teenagers need to talk (usually late at night). Time is precious. Time is what lives are made of. We need to be so committed to our children that we are willing to give them our time. Children don't thrive on "leftover time" as well as on "prime time." Even when it is inconvenient, we should be there for our children whenever possible. I'm not saying that we should give to our children at the expense of our own identities. There ca n be a balance, and we usually know when we are giving too little or too much.

This concept needs to be extended to children also. Children need to understand that families are like teams--they work together to reach the same goals. Children have very important positions on the team and are needed to make it work well. Children, did you know that your parents need you to support, appreciate and love them just as much as you need them? As you become adults and your parents get old, they may need you to help them just like they helped you when you were a baby. It's called the circle o f life.

Love is communicated in many ways. One of the most powerful ways we can show our love is to be there for our family when they need us.

The third way we can show our commitment to our family is to always be honest.

Parents and children alike should have an understanding that they will never, ever purposely say something that is not true. When you practice the principle of honesty in your home, then confidence, respect, and trust exist. This works for both parents an d children.

Parents, our children will notice any inconsistencies between what we say and the way we live. Our inconsistencies will undermine our credibility. They will also destroy our opportunity to discipline our children, especially in their teenage years, when t hey begin to question our authority. If we establish a high level of consistency in our words and actions, our children will soon discover that they can count on us to follow through with what we have said, whether that results in something positive or negative. For example, when we tell our child, "If you come home late again, I am going to take away your driving privileges," we must do what we said, even if it is difficult or inconvenient. On the other hand, when we tell our children, "If you clean up your room, I will take you swimming this afternoon," we must keep our promise. Otherwise, our children will quickly realize that our words don't have any real meaning. A broken promise is a lie to a child. Consistent truth-telling on the parents' parts sets the ground rules for honesty on the children's part.

Children, there also needs to be consistency in your words and actions. When parents know without a doubt that you are honest, they trust you and they can allow you more freedom. When parents know that you will keep your promises, they are more willing to make promises with you.

Usually parents trust their children until children lie. Then trust is diminished and difficult to restore. The fact is that dishonesty damages relationships. Once relationships are broken they can only be repaired by repeated, healing acts of honesty. A good way to show your commitment to your family by being honest with them.

I have six additional thoughts on commitment. When we are committed to family:

 We understand that commitment includes fidelity between spouses. This generates a sense of trust and security.
 We have a unity among family members that puts the family first, but at the same time we help each individual reach his or her potential and actively promote the well-being of each family member.
 We understand that no person and no family is perfect. We tolerate one another's shortcomings and practice patience.
 We recognize that abuse and abandonment are not options.
 We seek solutions when problems arise and make resolutions to improve.
 We celebrate and adapt to inevitable family changes.

Perhaps the greatest value of commitment is that it serves as an expression of love. Love is a concept that the experts have trouble defining. But strong families know what love means. It means commitment. It means being there through thick and thin, and it means not giving up when the going gets tough. Commitment is not an easy skill to learn. It requires hard work and much practice. It is meeting the responsibilities of family relationships. Nonetheless, it is worth it--it makes all the difference. Family commitment guarantees rich rewards.

"I would sometimes wake up at night," Robert said, "in a cold sweat feeling anxious about whether I would make it as a salesman. I worried about having enough money to make ends meet. Some months I made adequate income and some months I did not.

I was becoming an emotional wreck, but didn't share my feelings with my wife Sherie. I guess because I didn't think it was the macho thing to do. I wanted to appear strong and in control to her. But she wasn't fooled. One evening while we were walking in the park, she said, "Robert, you're feeling pretty uptight about how things are going at work, aren't you?" I told her that I was not tense at all, that everything was okay. She didn't let me off the hook. "Yes, you are worried," she insisted, "and I think it's natural. But I don't like to see you feel this way. Let's talk about it and see if your situation is as bad as it seems, and what we can do to make things better."

At that point I opened up to her and shared all of my frustration and concerns. I felt like a dam had been opened up inside me. I had not talked with anyone about this and it was a great relief to finally get it out. We talked about ways to cut our expenses and things we could live without.

Then Sherie asked me, "What would be the worst thing that could possibly happen?" I answered, "The worst thing is that I would lose my job." Then she reminded me that if I lost my job we would still be able to make it on her income, an d her job was very stable. We would have to make some changes, but we could make it.

That talk helped a great deal. My sales gradually increased and today I'm one of the top salesmen for the company. But that's not the most important part of the story. The most important part is that on that evening years ago Sherie was sensitive enough and interested in me enough to know that I was hurting and needed to talk. She cared enough to start the conversation. As a result of talking through that situation, I felt closer to Sherie than I ever had. I think that established our close bond with each other more than any other single event and it set the pattern for that type of caring, open communication." (Story from the manual "Celebrating Family Strengths" produced by the University of Oklahoma.)

Experts tell us that communication is the process or way we transfer information from one person to another so that it is received and understood. Received and understood are the key words. We can't call it communication if one person talks and another appears to listen. It is only communication--real communication--if information is received and understood. Communication is sharing ideas, feelings and viewpoints.

In the book Secrets of Strong Families, Nick Stinnett and John DeFrain write, "Good communication isn't something that just happens among strong families, they make it happen."

We could say that communication is a two-way street with lots of traffic signs and billboards. To really communicate we have to be able to read the signs as we drive and watch for oncoming traffic.

The advantages of positive, open communication are many. Family members who have learned to communicate well with each other have learned to talk and to listen carefully. They know and feel each other's joys and sorrows through the sharing of their thoughts.

 Family members who communicate well also know how to laugh together. They enjoy a sense of humor that brings happiness to their lives. They are able to openly express their feelings, differences, similarities and hopes for the future. They practice positive ways of handling conflict so problems are brought out into the open and discussed, and solutions are found.

When family members listen carefully to each other they communicate an unspoken but powerful message--that they respect one another. Listening says, "I respect you enough to listen to what you have to say."

Learning and strengthening communication skills doesn't mean an end to all problems; it doesn't mean that strong families don't have conflict. They do. Family members get angry with each other, misunderstand one another and sometimes just disagree. But when they communicate they're able to get their differences out in the open where they can talk about them, discuss the problem and come to a satisfactory solution which is agreeable for everyone. That doesn't mean that the solution will give all involved exactly what they want, it just means they've reached a common ground upon which they can agree.

Good communication provides security and safety. People know where they stand in the family, and that gives them a feeling of well-being.

Sometimes we take family communication for granted. We may think we communicate well just because we're a family or because we spend a good deal of time together. But each of us can learn to communicate better.

Four parts of good communication:

1. Listening

Listening is vital to good communication. It strengthens relationships by showing that the listener cares about the person speaking. Really listening involves paying attention to what the speaker says both verbally and nonverbally. It is hearing with the heart as well as with the ears.

2. Rephrasing

Rephrasing is restating the basic message in fewer or different words to be sure you understand the speaker and to let him know you're listening and trying to understand.

3. Probing

Probing encourages the speaker to say more by asking questions about his feelings. Probing directs the speaker's attention inward to examine his feelings and thoughts in more depth. This also shows caring and concern on the part of the listener.

4. Positive Speaking

Positive speaking shows kindness and shows that relationships are valued. It aims at strengthening relationships by building up the other person.

Relationships are built one interaction at a time. Each interaction moves the relationship in positive or a negative ways. We can't change relationships over night, but making improvements in our communication skills will always move our relationships in positive directions.

"Sometimes in the scrambled schedule of life I get to feeling like the time I spend with my sons could better be spent on work. And then I remind myself that the budget request or schedule of who works when or the productivity report will affect life for a few days or weeks. I have to do it and it is somewhat important--but my job as a father is most important. If I'm a good father to my sons they are likely to be good fathers, too. Someday after I'm gone, and certainly after those reports have rotted, a grandchild or great-grandchild of mine will have a good father or mother because I was a good father. It's kind of a chain reaction."

A businessman from Oklahoma made some wise choices:

"I used to worry a lot; in my business it's easy to do. It got to the point it was about to break me. Then somehow a very important thing happened to me and I don't know exactly how it happened. I finally realized deep within myself that it was not possible for me to control every little aspect of my life as well as the lives of others, as I had been trying to do. I decided that I could do the best that I could do, but then I had to let go. I had to trust more in other people and in life. I can't do everything on my own, I can't carry the world on my shoulders. This realization gave me an indescribable feeling of relief. Now I'm a much more relaxed, effective and productive person."

Every person and every family has problems. The choices we make as to how we deal with our problems often make the difference between our happiness or unhappiness. No matter how devastating our circumstances, we can still choose how we think, how we perceive life. Included in the lesson on responsibility is Eleanor Roosevelt's famous quote, "No one can offend me without my permission." We can choose how we react to our circumstances, our environment and the people around us. Choice is powerful and truly a gift. Even as I write that statement I fully understand that many, many choices in our lives are beyond our control; in many ways we don't have control over our lives. However, the choice of attitude is always ours.

I'd like to share some ideas for dealing with problems that are based on research completed at the University of Oklahoma. These are all positive choices which can be made by families as they deal with conflict in their lives.

1. Focus on the positive.

Problems can be painful, but they can also be turning points. Families should try to learn something positive from each challenge. The ability to focus on how our problems can make us stronger is a habit that takes time. When problems arise, family members can help one another form this good habit by asking, "What can we learn from this?" or, "How can this challenge help strengthen our family?"

2. Maintain open channels of communication.

The free expression of all family members' feelings is an important step in surviving a crisis. When everybody in a family knows that they are being listened to and that their concerns are being considered, there is a sense of togetherness and strength.

3. Pull together as a family.

Family members need to unite when facing problems. Former United States President John F. Kennedy once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country." We can use similar thoughts in our homes. Instead of focusing on our own individual needs we need to ask one another, "What can I do to help you?" In a crisis situation it is especially important to ask family members what their needs are and how we can help them. When a family pulls together nobody takes all the responsibility for a problem--it is shared by all. This is like putting fifty pounds on your back instead of three hundred. Ideally, families are like teams--they have goals and work together to be successful. When they act like a team, pulling together for maximum strength, they can better overcome obstacles and reach their goals.

4. Stay flexible.

Change is unavoidable. It's how we adapt to change that helps create our happiness or unhappiness. Flexibility is the key for families, like any organization, when coping with change. Flexibility doesn't mean doing away with rules. It means being willing to adjust how things may be done in the family and who does them. This includes changing responsibilities and roles as family members grow. It also means that during times of crisis family members need to cheerfully adapt to changes that may be necessary to weather the storm. Again, family member's attitudes--the choices they make as to how they'll react--make all the difference.

5. Draw on spiritual resources.

Most strong families hold to a way of life that includes a belief in God. They use this belief to influence their day-to-day decisions and to sustain them during times of crisis.

6. Seek help outside the family.

Families are a special unit unto themselves, but they shouldn't be isolated from others. Strong families have many outside relationships who can be called on in times of need. Families should seek others' help when needed, and give help when others have need.

Problems can be a gift; they provide opportunities to use family strengths, help families appreciate the good times and grow closer together. How families perceive and deal with their challenges are significant choices.

"I started my adult life with a bang, you might say. My parents were moderately well-to-do and gave me a good start in my own business. It flourished and things looked rosy for ten years or so. Then the economy went sour at about the time I had made some risky investments. One by one those went down the tubes. In the end we lost everything--house, cars and the business.

My wife and I sat out by the lake one night and talked until the sun came up. I remember feeling like I had been stripped of everything--like I had been robbed. 'Why try again?', I asked her. 'We may work and work only to lose it.' We struggled with that a long time. Finally, we decided that we had been thinking wrong. The purpose of life isn't to accumulate money, swimming pools, cars and fur coats. The purpose of life is to enjoy life because it is a precious gift--to cherish your family and friends, to become a better person intellectually and spiritually and to help other people. The investments of time and effort I make in family and friends, in charitable work and in improving myself can never be lost. Things in the mind and heart can not be taken away.

We did start over again and have enjoyed success. We've replaced many of the material things we lost, but most importantly, we have changed our thoughts. The job, the possessions, the money are no longer an end in themselves. They are a means of making life pleasant and serving others. If I lost them all tomorrow, I would still feel rich."

Well-being is a way of life, a way of encouraging each family member to realize his or her potential physically, mentally, socially and spiritually. Some characteristics of families who enjoy well-being:

1. They work toward reaching their individual potentials within a caring, supportive environment.

What a difference it makes when our families support us in our interests and activities! All people have a need to be appreciated and loved. We're usually more successful at reaching our goals when our family is "there for us" when we need them.

2. They try to live a healthy lifestyle.

When we're free from illness and pain we can more easily work on improving our mental, social and spiritual goals. Health is a gift that we should daily work to protect.

3. They discuss their values, rules and goals. They work together and help one another live the values they believe.

There truly is strength in numbers. When we, in our families, openly discuss our values, and together set rules and goals, there is strength. We feel the unity and power of our family, and it's a good feeling. We then can help one another live the values, obey the rules, and reach the goals we set together.

4. They have a positive outlook on life.

Positive attitudes are contagious. In our families we have incredible power to affect one another with our attitudes--in positive and negative ways. A saying that I heard once was posted on our refrigerator for years: "Be wise if you can, be pretty if you are, but be cheerful if it kills you." Optimism and a sense of humor are virtues every family needs in large quantities.

5. They work to build strong relationships with one another.

People aren't best friends just because they were born into the same family. Strong relationships requires time and effort. Usually good relationships result after years of words and actions which prove concern and affection. Family members have countless opportunities to build strong, long-lasting relationships. That's one of the blessings of being a family.

6. They recognize problems and conflicts but focus on their ability to deal with the problems and to grow from the challenges.

With most family problems families should gather together, discuss the problem and possible solutions. After every family member has shared his or her opinion, a solution is chosen and the family works together to solve the problem. During family discussions about problems and after problems are past the crisis stage, ask questions like "What can we learn from this?" or, "What can we do to prevent this from happening again?" Hopefully, families learn and grow closer from their challenges.

Researchers from the University of Oklahoma believe that when families are "well" and strong, they benefit in these ways:

Family members feel loved and accepted.

This helps each person develop a feeling of good self-worth and it contributes to the well-being of the entire family.

Feelings of well-being help family members want to spending time together.

People who like, trust and respect each other enjoy spending time with each other and will set aside quantity and quality time to do that. Having special time for family creates strong bonds between members.

The well-being of family members helps open the channels of communication.

Each member of the family is listened to and each is allowed a voice in family matters.

The ability to deal with crisis is improved.

When there is family well-being, family members can deal with conflict in creative, constructive ways.

Well-being helps support family commitment.

When family members enjoy feelings of well-being there are more happy marriages, good parent-child relationships and better cooperation among brothers and sisters. Ties between generations also are supported and strengthened.

It is apparent that there are serious problems in this world. Many people stand in need of help. But it's also apparent that there is well-being in the world and that it has unlimited potential. When individuals enjoy well-being and are members of well families, those individuals can encourage well-being in others.

Just as we grow and develop one day at a time, so individual and family well-being is a slow process. Creating things of worth usually take time. We need to be kind and patient with ourselves and with our families as we strive for well-being. It isn't a goal which, once achieved, is neglected. Well-being is a daily, even a moment-to-moment challenge. It is one of the adventures of life.

JUST FOR TODAY

Just for today I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful

I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

Just for today I will exercise my soul in three ways. I will do somebody a good turn,

and not get discovered; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things

I don't want to do, just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt;

they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

Just for today I will have a quiet half hour all by myself to relax. During this half

hour I will try to get a better perspective of my life.

Just for today I will have a plan. I may not follow it exactly, but I will

have it. It will save me from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today I will be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly,

talk low, act courteously, criticize not at all, never find fault with anything,

and never try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today I will try to live through this day only and not tackle

my life problems all at once.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust everything to

my own desires. I will take my life as it comes and fit myself to it.

Just for today I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln

said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

He whispered to the boy, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left hand and began filling in the bass part. Soon his right arm reached around the other side and improvised a delightful obbligato. Together, the old master and the young novice held the crowd mesmerized.

In our lives, unpolished though we may be, it is God who surrounds us and whispers in our ear time and time again, "Don't quit. Keep playing." And, as we do, He augments and supplements until a work of amazing beauty is created.

If you were to identify the foundation piece you wish to have for you family, what would it be? May I share ours? For the Fellingham Family it is spirituality. Our belief in God and our love for Him help direct our lives and our decisions. This is not to say that either or lives or our decisions meet with God's approval, but rather I share with you our great desire that God be the rock upon which we are founded.

Being well aware that this is a sensitive subject and not wanting to offend, I approach the issue of spirituality carefully. Knowing that there are many ways to experience spirituality, I would like to simply share with you my interpretation of how spirituality works for our family in day-to-day living.

The four lessons in this chapter are Believe, Pray, Worship and Share. I would like to write about these parts of spirituality from experiences in my home. You may have different, highly effective ways of experiencing spirituality in your family. I would thoroughly enjoy hearing about them.

Believe

We believe that God exists and that He loves us. Because of these beliefs we look for God's hand in all the beauties of the world. We give Him gratitude and glory for all good things in our lives. Believing that God loves us gives our family a wonderful feeling of comfort and security --knowing that Someone is aware of us and cares about our lives. God sees our efforts to do what is right, and He knows the secret desires of our hearts. We also believe that when we fail He will forgive, and give us the strength to try again.

Because we believe that there is a "master plan" for this world and for us, we feel there is a purpose for this life, and we believe that the things we do to improve our lives have meaning.

We believe that God has expectations for us and He set forth rules and guidelines for us to follow. These rules were not made to be barriers and stumbling blocks, but rather to make our road smoother and to bring us joy through obedience. We have discovered as a family that when we are living in accordance with God's laws and commandments we're happier. It is our belief that since God never forces His will on us, the principle of free agency is an important one. Our family has learned that we actually have more freedom when we make wise choices and obey God's laws.

Believing in God, seeking His help and guidance in our lives, and feeling His love for us has been an integral part of our family life.

Pray

Our family believes that God wants to help us and that He will help us according to His great wisdom and love. We ask for God's help when we speak with Him in prayer. We've found that sometimes the way God helps us isn't exactly the way we wanted or expected His help. However, hind-sight has shown us that His method of answering our prayers has always helped us learn and grow.

Communicating with God through prayer has been a strength to us in times of need. In our immediate family we have experienced death and near-death. Twice in hospital emergency rooms I have been told by doctors that they were sorry, but there was nothing that modern medicine could do for my children. I've struggled in relationships that have caused me heartache and deep disappointment. In my hours of emotional and spiritual need I have turned to God in earnest prayer. I know, without a shadow of doubt, that in those hours I was strengthened by God. He heard and answered my prayers.

Communicating with God? It sounds incredible. I believe, however, that prayer is a gift from a loving God. He cares about our well-being and happiness. Our family prays each morning before we go our separate ways, and then we kneel in prayer together at the end of each day. We also pray before each meal. Then, as I mentioned, we pray during times of special need. I think that the formalities of what we say are not as important as the act of reaching out to God in faith that He will hear us.

Worship

Worship is defined as the act or feeling of adoration or homage; the paying of religious reverence as in prayer, praise, etc. The word adoration is defined as an emotion of profound admiration, utmost love and devotion. According to this definition, the thing we worship in life is what we adore, admire, love and show devotion to. Does that describe our feelings about God?

That question helps us think about how we worship God. It causes us to reflect on the things we show devotion to and adore. I can't help but think about the days and weeks I've spent dreaming about and planning for homes we've built. I believe, however, that our hearts play a role in this matter. Where are our hearts? Do we treasure our possessions more than our relationships? Do we care more about accumulating money than we care about our family? Have we ever sought power or promotions at the expense of our integrity? I sincerely believe that every day we show what it is we worship by the way we live our lives. We prove where our heart lies with every decision we make. The definition of worship helps us realize that if we truly worship God we'll try to live as He would have us live. In our family when we're faced with decisions we try to remember to ask ourselves the question, "What would God have us do?" The answer is usually obvious and simple.

Attending a weekly worship service as a family has been a source of spiritual strength for us. As we gather weekly with those who believe as we do, we have the opportunity of learning more about God during the worship service, and also discerning who in our religious community may need our help. I believe that people truly worship God when they are obedient to His laws, when they're kind and unselfish, and when they love their fellow men. Then, because of their good lives, others will want to know more about God.

Share

When you hear some really good news, what do you immediately want to do? When I hear good news I want to share it with someone. If it's really exciting, life-changing good news I want to shout it from the rooftops and tell the whole world. I believe that the strength and peace God can bring into your family's life is good news....life-changing good news.

It is very difficult to raise a good family. In the book A Tale of Two Cities author Charles Dickens wrote, "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times." Sometimes do you feel that way in your family? One moment you're discouraged and feel like a failure. The next moment something happens that fills your heart with gratitude and hope. Our families can be the source of our greatest concern and heartache, and also the source of our greatest joy and happiness.

I believe that we don't have to raise our families alone. We don't have to struggle through the years without help. God is there for all of us. God will help us if we turn to Him and seek His guiding power and influence in our lives.

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For more information, please email us detailing the information you desire,
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Families Worldwide
75 East Fort Union Blvd.
Salt Lake City, UT 84047
USA
Fax us: USA 801/562-6008,
or Call us: USA 801/562-6185

HAPPY FAMILIES

The Building Blocks of Strong Communities & Nations

The greatest resource to solving society's problems is found within the hearts and homes of families and individual family members. This resource is the universal love of parents for their children, and a desire for their children to lead happy, productive lives.

As families are taught correct principles through proven family strengthening skills, and are given simple, practical tools, they are empowered to strengthen family bonds and attain true happiness. In the process communities and nations are enriched and strengthened one building block (family) at a time.

CREATING HAPPY FAMILIES

Workshop

This two-day "train the trainer" workshop is an invaluable tool for those who work with small groups or individual families and family members. Based on the truism that the family itself is the ultimate support group to its individual members, the workshop teaches counselors and facilitators to help families:

 Recognize the Source of True Happiness
True happiness is found within the hearts and homes of families. Our happiest times are spent with those we love.

 Recognize Healthy Family Characteristics
Healthy Families are committed to each other, appreciative, share traditions, spend time together, communicate openly, solve problems together, and share common beliefs.

 Assess Their Own Strengths & Weaknesses
Families cannot improve unless they know where they are in relationship to where they would like to be.

 Set Personalized Goals
What is needed in one family may be a strength of another. Of most value to families are relevant, personalized goals.

 Cultivate Happy Memories
Happy times and memories is the glue that binds families together in loving, living relationships.

WORKSHOP TOOLS AND RESOURCES

Family Profile
Research has shown that there are seven key characteristics of strong families. The Family Profile is a unique tool that helps families evaluate themselves in each of these seven areas. Family members respond to statements based on how they individually perceive their own family to be, then, a second time, reflecting how they would like their family to be. The two sets of responses are tabulated and compared. At a glance, the family can determine those areas that need attention.

Family Handbook
This large page handbook is a companion resource to the Family Profile. The handbook is divided into seven sections, one each for the seven key characteristics. Each section contains fun, helpful activities and suggestions that families may use to strengthen specific characteristics. By using this manual regularly, the family will shore up weaker areas and enhance its own strengths.

Golden Hour
Of the Seven Characteristics of Strong Families, the single most important is Time Together. For families to succeed, time must be set aside weekly just for the family. We call this time the Golden Hour--a time where the stresses, pressures, and distractions of the outside world are set aside. This weekly family time is a time to make happy, pleasant memories. If faithfully observed, family bonds will be nurtured and strengthened, communication and commitment will grow.

"The greatest work we will ever do will be within the walls of our own homes". (Harold B. Lee)

Testimonials

"This is one of the most beneficial workshops I've attended. It really got to the heart of the matter. I will be using it with my own family to improve our relationships, as well as using it in my job as I work with other families."
--Counselor, McAllen, Texas

"I'm writing as an inmate of the Utah State Prison. I have been involved with the program for the last three years of my incarceration, and have found it to be an invaluable program to help bridge the gap in family relationships. In my opinion, it is the only program here at the prison that deals directly with healing the wounds of misunderstanding within the family unit."
--Inmate, Utah State Prison

"Words cannot express how happy and content I feel in my life. I am not the same person I was when we first started [with the program]. I am in control of my life again, and I thank you."
--Single mother, Louisiana

Send us an email detailing the information you desire,

Send us mail:

Families Worldwide
75 East Fort Union Blvd.
Salt Lake City, UT 84047
USA

Fax us: USA 801/562-6008,
or Call us: USA 801/562-6185

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If you are interested in additional information and research on families, or on how we can help you set up a Families Worldwide Chapter in your community or country, please feel free to contact us via e-mail.