| Thursday, April 08,
1999 By Gib
Twyman
Deseret News staff writer
Perhaps we should call it
step-back-parenting.
That is what professionals
believe is the best perspective when we begin the
dizzying, deflating, exhilarating Great Wallenda
tightrope walk of human-relations called the
blended family.
Especially when it comes to
the tender world of disciplining as a stepparent.
How should we pry open that
tentative emotional door?
Don't barge.
Turn the knob slowly, the
experts say.
"One of the most
important things to remember is that there is a
lot of work to do before you can even focus on
your pattern of discipline," said Douglas
Goldsmith, director of The Children's Center of
Salt Lake City and Kearns, which specializes in
parent consultation and parenting classes, among
other psychological training and therapy.
"A lot of the time
there's this sense of urgency to become a family.
It normally takes over a year before a blended
family can be begin to build the relationship
base necessary to create the special bonds we
call family.
"Both the biological
parent and stepparent need to be patient. It's
hard work being a blended family."
"We need to be aware
the evolution takes time," said Vicky
Burgess, licensed Salt Lake City marriage and
family therapist. "In a biological family,
the in utero period gives you nine months of
natural time to build the relationship as you
head into parenting.
"With a step-family,
suddenly you can be in the midst of two or three
teenagers all at once, and you're struggling to
find the right communication."
"Be careful not to
march in with heavy expectations," Goldsmith
said. "When you take a new job, think of how
long it takes to develop relationships with your
colleagues. A family is a much more intense, high-pressure
situation.
"Every night when you
come home, in any blended family there are tons
of bad feelings about the past. The stepparent
has destroyed the fantasy of mom and dad getting
back together, so you're already one step down
and you're walking in wanting to be a hero.
"You need to get to
know each other. Get feedback. What are each of
your likes and dislikes? You need to encourage
the kids: 'You'll be OK. We're not a new mom and
a new dad. We're the two-of-us. We're going to be
responsible for your well-being.' "
Before it's possible to
determine a method of discipline, one of the
first questions begging an answer is: Who are you
as a stepparent? What's your sense of self-identity?
"First and foremost you
need to understand you're not the kids' parent,"
Burgess said. "Even if the real parent has
taken off and is never around to talk to the
children, you can't exactly fill that role.
"What I've found works
best is to think of oneself as a very close
friend. But one of the major problems that arises
is people don't talk about it. Even established
families don't talk enough about their roles. It's
even more crucial in a blended family that you
sit down and say, 'Hey, how're we going to
approach this question or that question?' "
While not presuming to be
called "Dad," for instance, a
stepparent may feel free to take on a special
position with the children, Goldsmith believes.
"I think you can sit
children down and say something like, 'A mom and
a dad are persons who take good care of you. Bill
takes good care of you. So Bill is the one you
can think of in this way.'
"You don't ask to be
referred to as 'Dad.' If the children do it, that's
their choice. They're the ones who give the
permission."
Goldsmith also banged the
communication drum heavily.
"All parents should do
a lot of talking about: 'Here are the rules. Here's
what we believe we should be doing.'
"One of the problems
that can crop up is competition between the new
parents. The biological parent can feel
protective. It may take a long time for that
parent to allow the other to parent. You can have
a situation where one parent has had to do all
the disciplining. Now he or she may feel the
other one may be too strong or inappropriate in
discipline.
"Or the biological
parent may feel the stepparent is criticizing his
or her parenting — 'how can I share
parenting with you when you don't think I'm doing
it right?' "
Routine parts of the day can
present challenges, Goldsmith said.
"Take dinner for
instance," Goldsmith said. "Do the
children have to drink all their milk and clean
their plates before they get dessert? Do I agree
they get dessert anyway, even if there's no
follow-through?
"Do they take their own
dishes off the table and help clean up? Who talks,
when, how? Do you interrupt or excuse yourself
first or do you talk at all? It may sound simple,
but it actually gets pretty complex.
"See, I can draw up a
whole long list of 21 things that can come up
just during a dinner that could produce
disagreements. And you can make the mistake of
either sitting there and internalizing them or
talking about them during dinner, which creates
chaos.
"You need to discuss
these things beforehand or the stepparent or
biological parent can wind up feeling sabotaged."
One way to try to understand
what blended families are facing is a simple
exercise, Goldsmith said. All you need is a piece
of paper and pencil. Draw a circle for each
person in the family — mom, dad, kids,
biological parents. Now draw connecting lines to
each circle.
"Suddenly you realize
in a family of four or five, you're actually
dealing with 35 or 40 relationships,"
Goldsmith said.
One way to build the much-needed
relationships, Goldsmith said, is to begin to
define the question: What is this family about?
"It's a matter of
building your shared history," Goldsmith
said. "No matter how good or bad your
relationship is with your mother, your brother or
sister or any other family member, you know what
you're about. It's just a function of time.
"Usually, everything
about a stepparent is not known. You walk in cold.
You can't just sit down and explain it in one
night. It has to unfold over shared experiences.
"The biological parent
has to tell the history: 'This is Johnny. When
Johnny was 2, he did this. He did that. These are
the things you need to know about my kid.'
"It's a good thing to
do in front of the kids."
Ritual-building goes hand-in-hand
with this process.
"It's very important to
create your own," Goldsmith said. "For
instance, on Christmas morning, we get up at 8
and we do this thing. At noon, we go to grandma's.
Then at 4 we go to visit so-and-so. You establish
constancy. The child comes to know: 'I expect
these things to happen.'
"The parents explain: 'This
is our special history. We're all going to be
part of this. We make our plans and we build on
that.' "
From this type of foundation,
it's important to understand what discipline
really is and some basic perspectives about
applying it, Burgess said.
"Discipline, of course,
means education, not punishment," Burgess
said.
A firm hand, as old as that
concept may be, remains a linchpin of discipline,
she said.
"Too often today,
children rule the roost," Burgess said.
"The problem with that is, they're not
equipped intellectually or emotionally to do so.
They can't see beyond the immediate situation
— I want what I want when I want it. Yet so
often today we turn it over to them.
"What has happened is,
at the turn of the century, children were treated
like animals. Then came Dr. Spock, with 'Let's be
fair.' We've gone from that to the point where
children are in control.
"I think it's because
we're just too tired in many cases. We're
spending so much time earning a living, by the
time we get back to the kids, we're exhausted. We
don't have enough left for them.
"It's not what children
want. They want boundaries. But we're too afraid
of beng disliked. But we're not in a popularity
contest. We're here to be parents."
Burgess told of a recent
scene with her 2-year-old grandson, Robert, who
was busy twisting the knobs on the stereo at her
home.
"I clapped my hands
very loudly and it startled him," Burgess
said. "Just then the dog walked by and
Robert kicked him.
"It was a beautiful
example of displaced feeling. I picked him up and
put him in the timeout chair. I told him, 'I'm
sorry you got angry.' I gave him a word for what
he was feeling. I told him, the next time he can
say, 'Grandma, I'm angry at you. I want to play
with your stereo.'
"And I can explain to
him firmly that he can't do that because it will
ruin it. We will have worked through the process
of communication. It may not solve the problem
instantly, but it is always the best way of
getting through a disciplinary question.
"Talking and teaching,
with love and a firm, consistent hand."
Using that for balance while
taking the long view of the objective, it can
even help you walk the tightrope.
|
