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| 'Secrets' could sabotage parental discipline | |
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Thursday, May 20, 1999 By PAMELA NORWOOD The stress level in households throughout North Jersey and around the country has escalated as parents witness the ever-increasing number of youth behaving with little sense of responsibility. Youth violence and the horrific events at Columbine High School have the world once again asking, where were the parents? Parents, in turn, are feeling more stress and frustration in disciplining their children than ever before. All the diplomas and degrees from prestigious universities don't qualify one to be an effective parent. Half of us just imitate what we experienced growing up, and the other half just make it up as we go. Stress results because parents have forgotten what the word discipline really means. It refers to the training, not the punishment, of children. Discipline meted out punitively fails miserably. It might make children stop their behavior in the short term, but children need to learn how to make positive choices for a lifetime. The complaints of patients abound with frustration over constant battles dealing with messy rooms, disrespectful language, and negative school reports, to name a few. Children, unfortunately, don't arrive in the hospital delivery room with an instruction manual. Therefore, parents lack an understanding of what is normal behavior for certain age groups. We provide adults with more guidance in operating their microwave oven than we do in helping them understand how to parent. At least the microwave booklet explains how to troubleshoot problems if it does not perform as expected. Parents are left to figure out on their own when to use positive and negative reinforcement, how to be consistent in enforcing discipline when they work outside the home, and what to do when the methods of discipline being used don't work. The result is a constant struggle to end the frequent arguments that strain family relationships. Discipline instills an understanding of the law of cause and effect and develops the life skills necessary for our children's survival and success. The stress felt by parents when they discipline their children is caused by understanding the importance of this parenting function. Conflicts are diminished when parents speak honestly with their children about the realities of life. Those realities include the following truths: 1) There are consequences to every action, and those outcomes are either positive or negative; 2) We make choices every minute about what we are going to do and see and are individually responsible for our choices, and 3) There are enforceable rules throughout society and within the home. Tension and conflict build when parents play "I've got a secret" about their expectations and what consequences will be meted out when rules are not followed. This results in parents feeling disrespected by their children and building up resentful feelings, while their children do the same. Discussions about behavior frequently turn into heated arguments, and very soon parents end up exhibiting the exact behavior they disapprove of in their children. Children, on the other hand, need to understand clearly that what they often view as God-given rights, such as having friends over to the house, watching TV, or playing computer games, are in fact privileges that will be lost as rules are broken. When everyone knows the rules and consequences in advance, parents can dispassionately allow the effect to follow the cause. Children are then held responsible for their choices at home, as they will be in the larger society. They learn through trial and error to make decisions that make life pleasurable, not painful. The old adage still rings true: If you fail to plan then plan to fail. Every family needs a discipline plan. A plan eliminates all the conditions that typically cause disciplining to fail. It puts in writing what is expected and the positive and negative consequences that may result. So ends the game "I've got a secret." There are specific behaviors targeted for change. Parents focus on the few issues that are most problematic and recognize and acknowledge that their child does a great many things correctly. This short-circuits individuals feeling disrespected and put down. Since everyone involved knows the plan, there ceases to be any reason for yelling, cajoling, or threatening. The plan, when consistently followed, yields results. Parents can find comfort in knowing they are ensuring that their children understand the law of cause and effect and will be able to make wise choices on their own. Family life is less stressful and more rewarding for all involved when punitive retribution, as the basis for discipline, is replaced with the desire to develop honesty, truthfulness, and responsibility in children. To further explore and discuss some of these issues, the program "Smart Discipline for Parents," created by Dr. Larry Koenig, will be presented at the Clinton Avenue Reformed Church on June 14 from 7 to 9 p.m. To register or for further details, call the church at (201) 384-2454. Pamela Norwood, LCSW, is the director of the Wyckoff Reformed Church Nursery School. She can be reached at (201) 457-3860 or at pamnorwood@usa.net.
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