By ELIZABETH COHEN
September 21, 1999
Staff Writer 

Naomi and Hayes Aronson have a great deal to be proud of. Their daughter Kerri, 13, another Vestal Middle School student, involves them in every detail of her life and takes pleasure in sharing things with them. "I tell my dad everything; I trust him," she says. She describes her parents as "good listeners."

This summer her mother asked her if she wanted to do anything special over vacation. Kerri said she wanted to go on a trip with her mom - without her father and sister - to the Thousand Islands and to Lake George. They will do both. "Kerri said she wanted to go shopping, eat, go boating and hang out, sleep in the same bed and talk all night," says Naomi Aronson, a substitute teacher. "I know my daughter very well."

Her secret? "My husband and I put no pressure on our daughters. We give them the chance to make their own mistakes. We let them know we want them to make choices that will make them happy."

That is not to say that they do not discipline their teen-age daughters or keep tabs on them. The Aronsons say they know all of their daughters' friends, where they are and who they are with. "We talk every day; we encourage Kerri to keep us close to her friends. We do things together as a family."

But Squire points out that economics are an all-important issue. In the current economy, in which most families need two working parents to survive, many parents do not have the free time to spend with teens, especially large blocks of time, or the resources the Aronsons, who will also take their daughters to California this summer, have.

Anthony Brown's mother, Carolyn Edwards, is a case manager; her husband works on the railroad. This summer, she has carefully tacked her vacation days onto weekends so she can maximize the amount of time she spends with her son.

Anthony, 14, a Chenango Valley High School student, describes himself as an outsider who listens to Marilyn Manson and is designing his own Web site this summer. He describes his parents as "just kind of there" and "over-protective." His mother has made him return certain CDs and video games because they were too violent. And there have been arguments about this.

Yet Edwards says "the lines of communication are as open as much as they can be."

"I inquire about school, keep in contact with school," she says. "I discuss events in the news and his viewpoints."

The family eats together and goes to church together every Sunday.

"I spend a lot of time with my parents," Anthony says. "We watch television."

Those rituals - shared meals, churchgoing and even television viewing - can serve a vital function in an adolescent's life, Squire says. "Even a regular trip on Friday evenings to get an ice cream cone can serve the purpose," he says. "It doesn't have to be a major trip or vacation to give them that extra time, that feeling of camaraderie and communication."

Use the summer months to communicate values as well, Squire suggests. "They may object strenuously," he says. "But research has shown that teens need reasonable limits with explanations. It helps them define themselves in the context of their family and the larger society."

When the violent episode at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colo., occurred this spring, one reaction was universal: Where were the parents? How could they not know their children were building bombs and plotting the slaughter of their schoolmates?

Not surprisingly, many Southern Tier parents are taking extra time to check in with their teens this summer. "Just as sins of the father (and mother) are visited on the children, so are acts of parental kindness," de Becker writes. "Your love outlives you - literally - and moves on through your children."

All content ©1999 The Binghamton Press Co., Binghamton, N.Y., a Gannett company.

If you are interested in additional information, or would like to set up a Families Worldwide Chapter in your community, please feel free to contact us via e-mail.

Families Worldwide
75 East Fort Union Blvd.
Salt Lake City, UT 84047
USA

Fax us: USA 801/562-6008,
or Call us: USA 801/562-6185

Send comments and mail to Webmaster