I’ve heard many economists speculate on whether or not we’ve hit rock bottom. Their simple answer is that it’s going to be tough to spot the lowest valley even when we’re in it. My contention, however, is that we HAVE hit rock bottom and there’s no way to go but up. Why am I so confident? Two words: Paris Hilton. Yep, Paris Hilton has become this country’s new economic barometer. See, last week was “Fashion Week” in New York City. To quote that bastion of journalistic integrity, The New York Post, “D-listers are warming the front row seats where A-listers used to preen, McDonald’s has replaced Starbucks, and goody bags are filled with K-Y Jelly instead of NARS cosmetics.” You read that correctly. Paris Hilton, who used to command tens of thousands of dollars just to show up and be an imbecile, has now sunk to agreeing to appear for plane fare, coffee and some K-Y Jelly. How can any self respecting citizen of this tabloid obsessed country not see that we’ve hit the very bottom of the basin? Paris needs more K-Y like the Oscars needs more pretension. See, there’s nowhere to go but up.

This becomes even clearer after reading over the list of projects that this new stimulus package will address. The lives of Americans everywhere will forever be changed for the better. This pain and suffering has gone on long enough. Think how much better off we’ll all be once the 15 million dollars that’s been budgeted to fix Milwaukee alleys has been spent! Those alleys may have been the reason Solomon Juneau up and moved to Dodge County in the 1800’s! How have we survived without the 18 million dollars that will be spent on the Madison Public Market? Cedarburgers are getting a new 10 million dollar library on a contaminated site (being reviewed by the EPA for clean up). Imagine library books that glow in the dark. How cool is that? How has Beloit survived all these years without that 200 thousand dollar “Shotspotter” a gunshot location and detection system? Yep, they’re gettin’ one! And it’s about time the Racine Public Library finally got 400 thousand dollars for that “Green Roof”. 

Now don’t start feeling superior. Wisconsin residents aren’t the only ones who’s lives are on the up tick. Were you aware of the pain and suffering that the youth soccer players of Lexington, Kentucky were enduring? Their three thousand player league lost field space so the new stimulus package has budgeted over 8.6 million dollars to build them a new 8 field soccer complex. ‘Bout time! Austin, Texas will be home to a new 36-hole disc golf course. Budgeted for $886,000.00 there may even be some cash left over for silicone spray! And it’s about time the residents of Laurel, Mississippi got that 100k to buy doorbells. How long have their neighbors been sitting on that old brown couch on the porch waiting for them to come to the door?

Personally, I can’t wait for that $100,000,000.00 connector system/street car system that’s been budgeted for Milwaukee. I’ve always wondered what Milwaukee looks like now that its 2009. But I live all the way out here in Waukesha County and some days it can take 20 minutes to drive into the city. Who has that kind of time? I mean aside from Paris Hilton.