Sunday May 13th, 2007 - Houston, TX/Chicago, IL

What a weekend this has been. I think it’s the most fun I’ve ever had and I am going to for once take credit for making it happen. I put my order in to the universe and it came. It started with an idea after reading an article and ended up as an experience I won’t forget. I know it’s not over yet either. I really have a feeling that I will be interacting with many of these people again including George Clinton. This whole weekend was one big positive.

I got up a little late this morning because I couldn’t go to sleep last night. I was way too pumped up to do that so I just reflected on the day and enjoyed it and got up and checked out of the hotel. My plane wasn’t until 2:30 so I decided to get a lunch at the sushi buffet that’s near the Laff Spot. I discovered it when I first worked there and it’s unbelievable. I think it’s one of the best restaurants I’ve ever been to, not just best sushi restaurant. I love good chow joints and this is one of the best. They have great service and delicious food.

There was an extra nice buffet spread today for Mother’s Day. The place was packed to the gills but since I was by myself I got a table right away. The two tops were all open but the big tables were full. I started in and piled my plate high with sushi and then walked to the other side of the buffet and they had Alaskan king crab legs! Those are usually not on any buffet because they’re expensive but today they were and I loaded up. Between those and the sushi and the oysters I think I ate enough seafood to start sprouting some gills.

This was a great way to end the weekend and I made it to the plane with perfect timing. I flew to Dallas and had a two hour layover before the connecting plane to Chicago. I took the monorail tram between terminals at DFW airport and it was like a ride at Six Flags. It must have cranked up to about 60 mph and the track is elevated about 20 feet up in the air and I felt like I should have paid an admission. I love rides and this was an added perk.

I found my connecting gate and sat down and reflected on all that went on this weekend and where I am in my life and where I want to go. I sat and watched people for two hours and that’s always a treat. As I sat there and enjoyed the show I heard a few people talking behind me and one of them said ‘Who DOESN’T like Mother’s Day?’ That caught me off guard a little and the way the lady said it was almost indignant. She was not in my reality.

For some reason that comment caught my ear. There were a bunch of people who must have been in Dallas to visit someone’s mother and they were all talking about how much of a pain it was to get everyone together and wondered if Mom had any fun because she apparently didn’t show it or say it or do what they wanted and I just sat there and listened.

I wanted to turn around and say ‘How would you like to have been abandoned by her as a baby so you wouldn’t have to worry about all of this stuff now?’ I don’t think they had a good answer for that so I didn’t say it. I kept my mouth shut and thought about my mother or lack thereof. I am not sure if she’s living or dead but if she died I probably would get a call from someone. Wouldn’t I? I guess I’m not sure. I sat and thought about it and didn’t have any clear answer for any of it. That whole situation has always been bad and still is.

But like with my father there is nothing I can do about any of it now. He is dead and it’s not a big deal. The damage was done years ago and his death hasn’t really changed what I do on a day to day basis. He’s been dead only three months now but I hardly even think of it much anymore. It seems like it happened long ago but I guess not. It’s strange because I think of my grandfather often and he died in 1981. He was my only positive influence that has had a lasting impact on my life. Gramps has my respect. My father has my sympathy.

My mother has my indifference. She never did anything to make me respect her and this late into the game I think the chances of that are over. The last contact I had from her was in 1993 when I had my car accident. She said she was going to come visit me at home as I was hurt badly and couldn’t go anywhere but she never showed up or called to tell me the reason why not. I sat there all alone and stared at the clock until I cried myself to sleep.

That was at age 30 and up until that point I never had any bad feelings toward her. That changed that day but looking back on it I just didn’t know how to deal with that kind of a direct intense emotional pain. Who wouldn’t be hurt by something like that? It’s a human thing to need the love of a mother and to be rejected by her so directly really hurt badly.

It still hurts today, but I have a completely different perspective of it now. I was not able to contain my anger for many years about her not showing up but I realize now that it was anger that was hiding my inner pain. It wasn’t my fault. SHE is the one that screwed up or at least screwed up from my vantage point. Maybe she isn’t able to handle things well for whatever reason and she’s having problems that I can’t comprehend. I can see that now.

It doesn’t make it better but at least I can see it now where I never could before. I guess I was selfish because all I could think about was me and my pain. Today I was able to see it for the first time that the situation wasn’t and isn’t my fault and I feel better about it all.

I sat on the plane thinking about it and for the first time ever I sent my mother love. I’m not sure where it came from or even if it was my own but I just had a feeling that I wanted to send her love from wherever it could come from to help her heal whatever she needs to heal that would make her abandon three kids and never come back to show us any love of her own. There must be a blockage somewhere in her that I don’t claim to understand.

I’m never going to have a mother/son relationship in this life just as I never did with my father either. Gramps was a father FIGURE, but it’s not the same. I never had anyone that was my mother figure, and maybe that’s why I have had such a hard time in dealing with any kind of a long term relationship in my life. I’m sure that had something to do with it.

This was all deep stuff to think about after such a fun and lighthearted weekend but that is maybe what made me think of sending her love wherever she is, living or dead. I am on a path to pull off a miraculous life despite coming from horrendous beginnings and I have been through things that would have stopped a lot of others. I am still going and can feel a happy ending brewing in my life story. Why should I let the past destroy it? I won’t. This is my time to shine now and even Mother’s Day memories won’t ruin it. Not this year.