Fitting that in the week of the Super Bowl, the ultimate test of skill, sportsmanship and athletic ability, that we’re playing Halo 3 against members of an NFL team at the ultimate test of who has more free time, dexterity and trash-talking abilities. The Humpday and the Super Bowl are definitely more alike than different, with the main difference being that the Super Bowl happens once a year and there’s a Humpday nearly every week.

This week, a real life NFL team wanted to play us. Three members and one  former member of the Cincinnati Bengals wanted to take on Bungie after meeting our resident Bengals superfan, Chris Carney, at a launch event. Let it be known if this was a real, in person game of anything other than Halo 3 – Chess, Backgammon, Othello, Carcasonne – we’d probably have thrown in the towel like R2-D2 against Chewbacca in Star Wars (and for roughly the same reasons), but this was the Internets ,and the Internets is for jerks.

Bungie

• New0001 – Joe Tung, Wide Receiver
• Danger Boy – Chris Carney, Tight End
• JonnyOthan – Jon Cable, Fullback
• TJ Scoot – Luke Smith, Longsnapper

Bengals

• Dawgman4747 – David Pollack, LB from Georgia, could crush a human skull like a cashew
• nelbulldog – Nate Lawrie, TE from Yale, do not make seasoning salt jokes, please
• Pa Niro – Deltha O’Neil, CB from Cal, is better at Press Cover 2 than he is at Halo
• MoDawg – Ken Moyer, former OL from Toledo, began the night talking trash, got quieter as the evening progressed

Game 1

Team Slayer, The Pit
Tone of Game: Overload package

With first choice, the Bengals elected a friendly round of Team Slayer on the symmetrical arena-style map, The Pit. They debated briefly about attempting some Multi Flag CTF – they’d even warmed up in Objective games before we started – but decided to fall back on old faithful, Team Slayer. In their week of film preparation for the big game, no doubt they watched last week’s Team Slayer footage from the Humpday and saw how inept, terrible and unorganized we looked and they saw weaknesses that they thought they could exploit.

Thought they could exploit, of course being the operative term. It took a little while to try and get the map under control, at the outset there was the usual rush for the Rocket Launcher which tilted their way, slightly, but a few minutes later, the map was under control. The Bengals did stick together very well, there were multiple times where we’d see one of them and immediately another two would pop out from behind a structure, but when push came to shove, it was exactly the opposite of what would’ve happened in real life. We shoved, they fell.

Final Score: 50-30, Bungie Wins
View the Game Assets here (watch films, view screenshots, see clips) by tabbing to Game Assets

Game 2

Team Slayer, Construct
Tone of Game: Less Chatty

After how well the first game of Team Slayer went, we decided to stick with it for round two. Had we lost the first game, Nades and Spades would’ve returned immediately. This version of Construct, coincidentally, is not the same version that currently appears in Matchmaking, it’s the first version of Construct with the Maulers at the top still, but they weren’t too much of a factor in this game.  

It played out like a typical game on Construct, where teams vie for the top and well-placed grenades and battle rifle rounds were king. Nothing terribly memorable other than the swift-lipped chatter of the Bengals being claptrapped shut as their mouths filled with Humble Pie.

Final Score: 50-33 (Bungie Wins)
View the Game Assets here (tab to Game Assets and download the justice)

Game 3

Team Slayer No Radar, Battle Rifle starts, Guardian
Tone of Game: Similar to previous tones

For the fun, meaningless Game 3, the Bengals chose Battle Rifle starts, No Radar on Guardian. This was their redemption, via magic, we’re actually able to provide you with their thoughts before this match:  “Bungie is a bunch of newb chumps who need radar to play the game, they just rely on radar constantly and don’t actually have any skill. We gonna own them now!”

What folks may or may not know about Cable, Carney, Tung and myself, is that we’re actually big fans of MLG and competitive Halo. Now that’s not to suggest that we’re good, we’re certainly not (compared to the dudes who get paid tons of cash to play the game), but we do enjoy starting with the Battle Rifle and we also enjoy playing without the luxury of motion sensor.

The results were pretty similar to the first two games.

Remember, in the game of real life, these four gentlemen are certainly winning all over our faces, but for one hour, one evening in January – we had our one shining moment and the mighty Bengals were just a paper tiger.

Final Score: 50-33 (Bungie Wins)
View the Game Assets here (click the Game Assets tab, duh)