In Memoriam

Put Your Real Life On Pause: Maybe you're too young to remember the glory days of the Golden Girls. Okay, maybe I'm too young for that, too. But who hasn't spent a Saturday afternoon enjoying a GG marathon, maybe eating nachos and wearing cozy slippers, even though your homework was waiting in the other room. Yep, we've all been there (right?). But now those afternoons will be bittersweet: At 86 years young, Bea Arther (Golden Girl Dorothy Zbornak) lost her battle with cancer this past Saturday.

I know what you're thinking: "Isn't it kind of silly to focus so much on TV characters and actors/actresses you don't even know?" In some ways, yes. Television can be frivolous, simultaneously shrinking your brain while adding inches to your waistline. But beyond the laziness and gluttony that has basically enveloped our entire culture, TV is more than that. It's a reflection in some ways of who we are, and in other ways, of who we want to be. It can confront heavy social and political norms and values, without losing its sense of humor--and, to me at least, Golden Girls was one of those shows. The best TV shows are the ones that make you reevaluate your own life before you even realize it.

So we lost a legend, but we'll always have the laughter.

Mark your calendars: On Monday, May 25, the Hallmark Channel will pay tribute to Arthur with a Golden Girls Memorial Day Marathon featuring Dorothy-centric episodes on from 6:30 am until 2:30 am EST. I'll bring the nachos, you bring the slippers, and we'll all leave our work on the desk for the afternoon.

It's A Pirate's Life

Put Your Real Life On Pause: Those of us who romanticized a scallywag's life on the high seas thanks to Pirates Of The Caribbean have had a serious reality check. Pirates are definitely not like Johnny Depp or Orlando Bloom. Bummer. But in case you've still got a touch of the skull-and-crossbones fever, fear not, South Park's got you covered this week.

What? South Park

When? 10 p.m. (repeat at midnight)

Where? Comedy Central

Why? First of all, it always bodes well when foul-mouthed cartoon characters make jokes out of a very serious real-life situations. Cartman, aka pirate Fatbeard, recruits Butters & Co to join him on a journey to Skull Island--dangling a tropical paradise in front of their noses like a Twinkie. So where are they going? Somalia of course! Too soon? Yeah, probably.

South Park is in its 13th (!) season, but growing older does not mean its getting any more mature. After all, what could possibly be more "pirate" than to capitalize on the traumatizing misfortunes of others. Hilarity, ahoy!

TV to DVD April 14

Life is short, too short to watch commercials. If you don't have a DVR that will let you fast-forward through all the advertisements (and the first fifteen seconds the show if, like me, you're not so quick with the hand-eye coordination), then TV on DVD is the next best thing. While most of your Tuesday lunch money will go toward the purchase of new albums, if you find yourself more drawn toward the arts of the small-screen, here are some TV on DVD options out this week that are worth considering.

If you live in Canada, you get universal healthcare, and now:

Wolverine & the X-Men Season 1, Chapter 1 Limited Edition

Do your homework before the X-Men movie hits theaters this summer. 

In case you missed it last week, check out:

Davey And Goliath: Lost Episodes

Claymation really is a lost art that can be best appreciated with this lost episodes collection.

Alias, Season 5

The previous edition of Season 5 has been discontinued and this one has taken its place. So what's different? You'll have to watch and see (and maybe be mad if you already have the complete series on DVD).

Capital Hill-arious

Is that a human bone? You'll have to watch and see.

Put Your Real Life On Pause:

Parks And Recreation

When? 8:30 p.m. Thursday

Where? NBC

Who? Amy Poehler, Rashida Jones, Paul Schneider

Let's be honest, the business of local government isn't usually hilarious, or even entertaining really. But the folks over at NBC are on a roll when it comes to making faux-reality even better than real reality. We have the Office on Thursday nights, and beginning this week we have Parks And Recreation.

NBC's latest half-hour almost-reality comedy takes us to Pawnee, Indiana, where we meet Leslie Knope (Poehler), a mid-level bureaucrat in the Parks And Recreation department. Any one of us who's had even the most remote interaction with mid-level government bureaucrats knows what will ensue, but it's a lot funnier on TV than when you've actually waited in line for hours only to find out you were in the wrong line, in the wrong building, looking for a department that no longer exists but still requires two forms of identification to get in the door. Seriously.

I've got pretty high hopes for this show. While I don't expect it will trump Poehler's fellow SNL-alum Tina Fey's 30 Rock (which is also on NBC's killer Thursday night lineup), I think it'll put up a good fight. We'll have to watch and see.

What else is on this week?

It's The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown! (8p.m. Tuesday on ABC)

Charlie Brown was emo before you even knew what MySpace was. Show some respect.

Special Savings

Put Your Real Life On Pause: It seems like you can't turn on the TV, flip through the newspaper or go online without reading something about how the economy is in the toilet. I get it, we all do. But do we have to dwell on it all the time? I say no. But just in case you want to, here are some repression-approved programs to ensure you don't forget that Wall Street has pretty much turned to cannibalism.

Monday: Operation Repo (10p.m. on truTV)

Real-life repossessions on tape. Part of me feels like this kind of thing shouldn't be exploited for our own twisted entertainment, where we're simply marveling at other people's misfortunes. But then again, a part of me kind of wants to watch it.

Tuesday: The Hunt For Black Gold (9p.m. on CNBC)

If it worked for the Clampets, it can work for you. So go hunting, but just shoot at the ground, and find oil. I'm pretty sure that's how it happens.

Wednesday: Reno 911! (10:30p.m. on Comedy)

Sure, cable TV costs money, but laughter is the best medicine. (Don't ask me why those two things are related. Who's blog is this? Yours? No.) So with a new season of Reno 911 starting, who needs universal healthcare?

Thursday: Survivor (8p.m. on CBS)

For proof that you can survive for at least 39 days on nothing but rice, beans and the occasional reward-challenge buffet, you need look no further than Survivor. And wouldn't life be great if we had challenges like that in real life, where we had to stand on tree stumps for hours and solve puzzles and throw clay things at other clay things all in the hopes of winning immunity?

Friday: American Loggers (10p.m. on Discovery)

Looking for a job now that graduation is on the horizon? Ever considered logging? After seeing just how brutal it is, you might think twice about it. Crab fishing can't be that bad, right?

B.F.F.

Put Your Real Life On Pause: There's no one in the world quite like your BFF. They laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry, spill soda all over your car when you slam on the brakes for a squirrel in the road that actually wasn't a squirrel but was a plastic bag that looked a lot like a squirrel from that angle. You've been there right? And where would we be without them? In jail for a lot longer because no one else would fork over the cash to bail us out, that's for sure. But enough about BFFs; This week, I want to help you be your own best friend (forever). Here's some recommended watching to help you help you.

Monday

Intervention (9p.m. on A&E)

This one's kind of an ace in the hole. Intervention teaches you valuable life lessons, while also scaring the daylights out of you, ensuring you never ever smoke meth at a horse-racing track.

Tuesday

Press Conference with President Obama (8p.m. on ABC/NBC/CBS/FOX/Everywhere)

Admittedly, this will likely be less entertaining than it was watching our commander-in-chief on Leno, but President Obama commands attention. It's on every major network, so it will be pretty unavoidable. Get civic, kiddo.

Wednesday

America's Next Top Model (8p.m. on CW)

I know what you're thinking, and no. I don't want you to pursue modeling as a career. I want you to stay in school and realize your dreams. Watching this should motivate you (or make you want to claw your own eyes out).

Thursday

30 Rock (9p.m. on NBC)

Tell me this: What can't we learn from Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin? Okay, you got me on Mandarin Chinese. You win this round.

Friday

Dog Whisperer (8p.m. on NGC)

Trust us: When your BFF gets out of control, just make that "shhht!" sound through your teeth and poke them in the neck. It works for Cesar every time.

A Little Madness

Put Your Real Life On Pause: For those of you who live under a rock--or more than 30 miles away from a college with a basketball team--March Madness is upon us. So what does that mean? Since the opening round begins this week that means everyone will be lamenting and/or celebrating their bracket selections, but more importantly, it means some of your shows won't be on at their usual time and place. I know. I'm not happy about it either, but let's make due with what we've got.

Monday

House, M.D. (8p.m. on FOX)

I'm betting it's Lupus, or that they're at least going to test for Lupus. It's their go-to diagnosis.

Tuesday

House Hunters International (10p.m. on HGTV)

Not only will your mom be thrilled that you're watching HGTV, but this show will give you some sweet escape routes should the endless basketball over the ensuing weeks drive you completely nuts. Just sayin'.

Wednesday

Vanguard (10p.m. on Current)

Easily one of my absolute favorite shows on my absolute favorite channel, Vanguard won't give in to the madness. Vanguard is a sweet half-hour documentary, this week's topic is the credit debt crisis facing our generation. Learn now or pay later.

Thursday

College Basketball (it's everywhere)

Don't try to escape it today. Since it's the opening round games, there are still at least 742 teams in this thing.

Friday

Most Haunted (10p.m. on Travel)

What's scarier than all of your shows being pushed back for weeks? This haunted British ship! Check it.