me and my mum

By sthembile mhlongo

I never thought that I could fall in love with a lesbian. I began knowing this girl in 1994. She would come to my house and tell me that she loves me. "This is very strange"; I thought to myself, "how can a girl love another? She must be crazy."

But the year, 2002, proved me wrong as she kept on coming to my home telling me about her love for me. The most wonderful thing is that she never gave up on me until I allowed her to kiss my lips and to have me as her girl. When all this happened I was about to get married. My boyfriend had paid out lobola (an amount paid by a man to his future parents-in-law) for me and my mother was happy that her only daughter would soon be married. I had a problem with this as I did not love him - I was only going through with this marriage because of the pressure from my mother, and I did not know how to tell her how I really felt. I believed she would be disappointed and say that she always knew that I was a failure.

My mother is an aggressive person and she always wants things to go her way. She never listens to what I have to say and her word is always final. But since I met this girl, I am able to be open about how I really feel. She was helpful because she came with options of what I can do with the challenges I am facing in my life. I then decided that I should leave my home. I have been wanting to do it, but not knowing how; so I spoke to the new girl in my life about it and she agreed, as she also wanted to leave home. I informed my mother about it and she did not take it well. She thought that I was joking. That is when she began talking badly about my newfound girl, saying that she does not want to see her any more.

I then took the decision to leave her house as I did not want to live my life pleasing my mother all the time and gave myself the chance to challenge life. Through my girl I was able to meet other people, "girls loving other girls", and was able to gain more understanding and knowlegde about homosexuality (even though I still tell myself that I am not a lesbian, I am only in love with one!)

I was exposed to a world that others do not accept or understand and the more I explored, the more I got to know about this world, and myself. I found caring people, people who showed me that I am special, that when I talk they can listen. Me and my love are currently unemployed (she has lost her job), but she is the type of girl who does not give up. She has started a second-hand clothing business so that we can have food on our table and a roof over our heads. It has been a great challenge and struggle for both of us, but we continue to survive each day with the grace of our Lord. Even though at times our relationship goes the wrong way, love has kept us together. I never thought I could love a woman so much.

Right now everything is okay between me and my mom. The challenge I am facing right now is that she wants me back at her home. I can't go back; I need to be independent, have my own things, live my own life.Can you think how my mom is going to feel when I tell her what I need and how I feel? Anyway, I do not have a choice - I must face this challenge and tell her.

This is what I have experienced in my life. So, please, teens out there, live yours to the fullest. When you have problems at home, talk about it. Join support groups, see counselors so you can get more insight on how to face the challenges in life.

Thanks to the new lady in my life for opening my eyes and showing me that there is life outside, that one day I can be someone special, loving and caring.

I love you, Malaika.

(Sthembile is a recent graduate of the Women Behind the Mask Basic Computer and Life Skills Training Programme. Since she wrote this piece, both she and her partner have found employment.)