Neverending Nights.com

[Chessrook44]

Episode 15: Reach Out With Your Feelings...

[Fade in on Grayson gazing out at the desert, standing by the oasis. Peter is in the background, fidgeting a lot, looking at the oasis]

Peter: Um... Grayson?

Grayson: What now Peter?

Peter: We might have a, uh... Hmm... slight problem...

Grayson: Would that mmm slight problem be the fact that we're completely lost in the desert, we have no idea where the hell we should go, we have no food, and questionable water sources scattered throughout the blazing land?

Peter: That would be part of the problem, yes. But there's something, ah... else...

Grayson: Something else... something else?! What else could possibly go wrong?!

Peter: Well... you remember the bag with the supplies and the marshmallows that had turned all green and yucky from the Ice Cube Monster?

Grayson: Oh for God's sake...

Peter: What?

Grayson: Nothing. Go on. What else is going on?

Peter: Well... you see, the bag... it's now green and pulsating with a myriad of other kinds of... not-so-healthy-looking colors pulsating around it...

Grayson: What? [turns around and jumps back, surprised] Oh for the love of all sacraficed badgers! What the hell is that?!

[zoom out to show a few green, gray, and yellow blobs of slime by the oasis, a short distance from Peter and Grayson.]

Peter: That's what I've been trying to tell ya. I think the marshmallows have gained, ah... Sentient life?

Grayson: Well don't just stand there, kill it!

Peter: I've tried, I've tried! I stabbed it with my arrow... it ate my arrow and got bigger!

Grayson: Oh great, so what do you suggest?

Peter: You really wanna know?

Grayson: No!

Peter: My idea is RUN!!!!

[Peter and Grayson bravely run away. Fade out. Fade in on our favorite duo (No, not Batman and Robin!) standing in the middle of another part of the desert.]

Grayson: You do realize we're gonna die out here, right?

Peter: You know, there you go again, with the whole negative outlook on everything.

Grayson: Peter... the sun has obviously baked the last remaining braincell in that thick skull of yours. Or maybe you've failed to notice that we've been out of food for four days. Our lips are cracked and bleeding. The marshmallows we had turned into some... small colony of green slime that we had to run away from!

Peter: Yeah, but I think I may have come up with an idea.

Grayson: Oh, God, let's hear it. I'm sure this is gonna be the best idea I've ever heard. Sort of like when you first mentioned we should go outside and become heroes.

Peter: He-hey, I think you're mocking me!

Grayson: Really? Why do you think that?

Peter: Hey, anyway, I'm a ranger, right? [pause] Riiight?

Grayson: Oh, I'm sorry, you were waiting for me to say yes, weren't you?

Peter: Yes. [clears throat] Anyway. As a ranger, I have the ability to summon an animal companion!

Grayson: Oh! I see where you're going with this! You can summon up an animal, like a cow, or maybe even a chicken, we can catch it, kill it, and eat it! You know, this is the best idea you've had!

Peter: Ah, not exactly what I was thinking... I mean the "summoning animal companion" part was right, but we can't eat him!

Grayson: What?! Wh-why not?!

Peter: Because he's going to be my animal companion.

Grayson: Oh, God, alright, so if we're not going to eat your animal companion, what are we going to do with him?

Peter: Well, here's what I'm thinking: we can summon up an animal that can help us out.

Grayson: Help us out. What kind of animal is gonna help us out?

Mysterious Voice: A tiger would be of great use, so that it might devour your bones and someone of superior intellict will find me and save me from the likes of you!

Grayson: Ah, crap! The voice is back.

Peter: Is it saying that summoning an animal companion would be a good idea?

Grayson: Well, it is saying that, but not in a good way. Look, if you're gonna do your whole "animal summoning companion" thing, just do it. I'm ready for the worst to come.

Peter: Alright, let's see... [begins casting a spell... I swear, this is the first spell in this series!] Here it goes... [casts spell, causing a small, black, tabby cat to appear. Pause.]

Grayson: [stutters twice, then full-out laughs] You summoned a cat! Ha ha ha! It's a cat Peter! How the hell is a cat gonna help us out of this mess?!

[Fade out. Fade in on the inside of a bar. You see a fairly familiar short guy in a green robe get up from the ground behind a table.]

Alan the Astounding: My cat. They took my gold and my cat?! My gold they can have, but to take a powerful wizard's familiar? That goes too far. Time to get my cat back.

[fade out. Fade back in on our two *cough*. The cat runs away.]

Grayson: Hey Peter? Your, uh, cat animal companion thing's leaving.

Peter: What? Aw man! I didn't even get to name him!

Grayson: Well, maybe now you can focus on something bigger. You know, something more useful?

Peter: [sighs] Alright. I was really attached to that cat...

Grayson: Peter!

Peter: OK! OK! Gah! [casts spell. Pull back to reveal Peter has summoned a full-grown leopard.]

Grayson: Um, Peter? OK, that's no what I had in mind when I said bigger. Um, maybe you could try again.

Peter: I suppose... [leopard runs up to Peter] But he seems kind of friendly!]

Grayson: Yeah, until he gets hungry.

Peter: Oh... oh that's... that's a good point... Uh, alright, let's see... here we go... [casts spell again. Pull out to find that Peter has summoned a fat, juicy, pork-laden pig. Mmm, bacon...]

Mysterious Voice: Someone of the ranger's intellict I see...

Grayson: Alright, Peter, you just summoned a pig. People eat pigs all the time. They're made of pork. Can't we eat him?

Peter: Uh, you know, I would just feel real bad about summoning him just for the sake of eating him.

Grayson: Peter, we have no food! We need to eat!

Peter: [sighs] Man... alright, I suppose...

[Weird Desert Farmer Pig Rancher Guy runs in and up to the pig]

Weird Desert Farmer Pig Rancher Guy: Ah, ye found my prize pig! Mr. Pigman! I thank ye both! Here's two copper fer yer troubles!

[Weird Desert Farmer Pig Rancher Guy and the pig run off]

Grayson: Wait, where the hell did that farmer come from? [pause] And where the hell did he go?

Peter: Aw, man. I hate when they do that "walking against the wind" stuff.

Grayson: This is not working out. Do you think you could summon an animal that could do some good? You know, maybe like a camel or something?

[Show distant shot of Peter summoning something. Fade out. Fade in on a close up of a penguin, then zoom out to reveal that Peter and Grayson are standing in the middle of a veritable zoo, including but not limited to 6 cats, 2 oxen, 2 cows, 3 dogs, a skunk, and a penguin.]

Grayson: Cool! An elephant... There's a rhino... I see a chicken... Over there's a panda... Oh! Oh, look, a penguin! Yeah, he's gonna be hurtin' soon. And I think ... yup! ... That's a ferret... Oh, lookit over there! Peter, that's a good one. That's a very agitated-looking giant scorpion. Gee Peter, all these animals and not a single useful one. I'm so surprised yet another one of your ideas didn't work out!

[Fade out. Roll credits.]

[Fade in on Alan the Astounding standing out in front of a pub]

Alan: Those hoodlums took my gold, they tried to take my familiar... They've gone too far. They shall rue the day they crossed paths with the world's most powerful wizard. I could crush their heads just by thinking of their faces, but I want this to be up close. I want this to be personal. I want them to see the look in my eye so that they know, in the end, it was I who defeated them for this hideous crime. I will show them, and the whole world, once again, why I am known as ALAN THE ASTOUNDING!!

[Alan falls over, and a cat runs by and around him. Fade out.]

[Chessrook44]

Episode 16: Dessert City...?

[Fade in on a pair of guards, Vern and Douglas, standing guard at the entrance of a city in the desert.]

Douglas: Sure does get hot out here during the day.

Vern: Sure does.

Douglas: Nothing but sand out there.

Vern: Yep. Nothing but sand.

Douglas: Every morning we come out here and guard the town from the threat of, uh... um... just what kind of threat are we protecting from? I mean, day in, day out, we come out here dressed like this with these really flashy weapons for what? A tumbleweed? Maybe a gekko. Never any kind of danger. Nothing could even survive out there!

Vern: I see what you mean. We've been on this guard watch for like 17 years and haven't been attacked. Not even once! Well, there was that one day when all those tumbleweeds did come rolling into our town followed by that freak sandstorm. But it turned out just to be a sandstorm, not some kind of weird magical attack of vicious man-eating tumbleweeds.

Douglas: Have you ever wanted more out of life?

Vern: Not really. I mean, I have a good job, a family, and a wench for a wife. I'm pretty happy.

Douglas: So you don't crave excitement? Maybe a dash of adventure?

Vern: A little, I guess. It would be fun to live off the land for a while and go on a great quest.

Douglas: So let's go! Let's throw caution to the wind! Let's set off on a quest and let chance decide where we go, what we do.

Vern: It's... tempting... what kind of quest would we go on?

Douglas: I dunno. Maybe rescue a damsel in distress or find a lost artifact or slay a dragon!

Vern: Slay a dragon?! Rescue a damsel in distress?! Recover some lost artifact?! I don't know, man. Those must have been done to death. I mean, if we were heroes and someone wrote about us they'd probably think, "Man, this is stupid! Whoever did this isn't very creative." Y'know what I mean?

Douglas: Well, I suppose you're right. Those are pretty typical, aren't they? There's probably even some kind of rule about even doing those kinds of adventures. I just always thought it would be cool to slay an evil dragon.

Vern: Don't you remember what happened to that guy that tried to kill a dragon out on Silverlake? They found his bones picked clean! They say the dragon used his ribs like toothpicks.

Douglas: What? I heard he killed the dragon down at silverlake and got like 50,000 gold or something!

Vern: Seriously man, get your head out of the sand. That's just a rumor spread started by the dragon down at Silverlake. Basically, it entices people to head down there and see if there's any remains of treasure there. Because, I mean, evil dragons hoard all kinds of treasure. Soooo a foolish adventurer goes in there, finds out the dragon of Silverlake is still alive, And ends up getting himself ~ or herself ~ killed. As a matter of fact, the story goes that there's only one thing that can hurt the dragon down at Silverlake. It's this magical- hey, is that people I see?!

Douglas: Either that or we're both experiencing the same mirage.

[Peter and Grayson walk up to the guards. Peter is beside himself with joy.]

Peter: I found the town! I really did it! I really found it! Huh? Oh, yeah! Hi there! How are you doing?

Vern: Uh, other than admiring our fine town, is there anything we can help you with, gentlemen?

Grayson: Look, I'm sorry about my excited little friend here. He's a half-elf. You know, he gets easily excited. What he means to eventually ask is, is there an inn around here where we can get some supplies and possibly some rest?

Vern: Well, the Eagle Claw is the best inn in town.

Grayson: Well, is it expensive?

Douglas: Er, not really.

Grayson: That means yes. What's your cheapest inn?

Douglas: Try the Blue Moon Inn. I think it's right up your alley.

[Fade out. Fade in on our two *ahem* standing in a different part of the city.]

Grayson: Hey, Peter! Look, food! Hey, how much money you got?

Peter: I'd say we're about... um... 5 gold.

Grayson: What? Wait a minute... five gold? Didn't you say we had like ten gold after we purchased our armor and weapons?

Peter: Yeah, we did.

Grayson: OK, so where'd the other 5 gold go?

Peter: Well, uh... remember the marshmallows that turned to ooze? Yeah, well it had devoured like three gold that had been in the bag.

Grayson: Okaaaay... um... Five minus three is seven... where's the other two gold?

Peter: You know, I may have thrown a gold coin... or two... into the river... you know, back at the cave... you know, for luck!

Grayson: Oh for the love of everything that is Holy and right in the world, Peter! You know it's people like you that fill up those wishing wells in the towns that we go in and take the money out of to go buy beer. You know what though? It's cool. 5 gold should be plenty for what we need to do.

[The two turn to a boy selling food]

Connor the Kid: Meat on a stick, here! I've got grilled meat on a stick here!

Grayson: I'll take five of those, please! Oh, hey, Peter, how many do you want?

Peter: Woah man! You're actually gonna eat five of those by yourself?

Grayson: Did you forget that for days on end we were eating nothing but salt? And for like three days we had like no food because our supplies turned into a colony of green slime?

Peter: You know, that's a good point. I think I'll take 5 also.

Connor: Where are you two from? I've never seen you before.

Lady Lorraine: Connor, unless you're making money, don't be bothering those two men.

Connor: I'm not, Mother! I'm just asking them some questions! I've never seen them around here before. And the last time we got visitors was 17 years ago, you said.

Peter: We're from the City of Neverending.

Connor: City of neverending? Is that a long way from here? Are you two adventurers?

Peter: Yes, we are.

Connor: Ooo, what have you killed? Tell me all about your heroic deeds.

Grayson: Well, don't want to brag, but we did kill a gelatenous cube.

Connor: Is that it?

Grayson: What do you mean by that? Let's see you do it.

Connor: It's easy! They're slow and they're deathly allergic to salt! Throw some salt on them and one will explode!

Lorraine: Now now, Connor. I'm sure the gelatenous cube was about to devour some poor, innocent child who'd gotten lost in the forest or something.

Peter: Well, actually, there was no kid... not even really a forest... Well there was a forest, I suppose, but it was high up in the mountains and there was snow everywhere.

Lorraine: Oh, I see. Sooo... have you killed a dragon before then?

Peter: No, but that's actually what we're out to do now.

Grayson: Yeah. Like that guy who killed that dragon down by Silverlake.

Connor: But that's just a rumor spread by the evil dragon at Silverlake. That man didn't kill the dragon. As a matter of fact, they found his bones scattered and picked clean. Everybody knows that!

Grayson: Um, they do?

Lorraine: Yeah, the story of [words inaudible]. Defeating the Silverlake dragon is just a story that parents tell their children to inspire the child's imagination. But by the age of twelve, parents tell their kids the truth so to make sure they don't go out and try to do something foolish.

Peter: When you say "foolish"... what exactly do you mean by that?

Lorraine: Like actually believing that a dragon can be killed. I mean, according to the legend, the only way to even kill a dragon as vile as the one down at Silverlake is by using this magical s-

Grayson[interrupting]: Look, just give me the meat on a stick I paid for so we can be on our way. [turns to Peter] I think they're making this stuff up. They're trying to discourage us so they can move in on our kill and get the 50,000 gold.

Connor: Oooo-kay... here you go. Ten orders of meat on a stick. Would you like anything to drink?

Peter: Uh, what do ya have?

Connor: Crab Juice and mountain cave water.

Grayson: Crab juice? Where the heck did you even get crab joice? We're in the middle of a fricking desert! There's no ocean! There's barely even water! How do the crabs survive out here?

Connor: So you want the mountain fresh cave water?

Grayson: No, I'll take the crab juice.

Peter: So what's to do around here? Any bars?

Lorraine: Yes. Uh, there are a few bars here. The Stinky Foot, the Sandy Bottom Inn, and The Hero's Keep.

Peter: The Hero's Keep! Hahahaha! Where's that one?

Grayson: Totally. We can go and mingle with our own kind there.

Connor: And what kind would that be?

Grayson: We're heroes.

Connor: You defeated a gelatenous cube. That doesn't make you heroes! That barely even makes you travelers!

Grayson: Shut up.

Peter: That was a good comeback. Way to show him. If you're done trading witty remarks with the kid we can head to the Hero's Bar and Keep.

[Fade out. Roll Credits.]

[Fade in on Paul the Dwarf standing in a passageway, still in the caves.]

Pawl: Oh man, I swear, I am SO lost. I bet those two didn't even keep the fire going. [Zoom out to show that the Goblin Trio is standing about 5 feet in front of Paul] Bugbears!

Albert: What?

Bob: Where?

Charlie: Hi!

Pawl: Wait! [clears throat and starts talking in Piscotsir] Aren't ye three bugbears?

Bob: Bugbears? No, we're not bugbears.

Pawl: I canna believe Peter was right. Ye be trolls then!

Charlie: What? Trolls? We're not trolls either.

Pawl: Well if ye not be bugbears or trolls... what ye be?

Albert: We're goblins. Gooob Lins.

Pawl: Goblins, eh? I can't be saying I never heard of your kind, lad.

Bob: What the heck is up with your horrible accent?

Pawl: I be dwarf, lad! That's how we talk!

Charlie: Well you sound like a pirate dwarf.

Pawl: Look, now not be the time to be discussing such things. I be looking for a way out of these caves.

Albert: A way out of these caves? Why don't you just come back the way you came in?

Pawl: Well that be part of the problem, lads. It would seem that I lost my map and I can't find my way back.

Bob: Hey Charlie... didn't you say you found a map?

Charlie: No, it's my map!

Albert: Hey, why don't you come with us? We're heading back to the dance floor.

Pawl: [looses accent] A dance floor?! [clears throat and recovers accent] Well that does sound mighty appealing! I do so enjoy a good dance from time to time.

Charlie: Hey, yeah! That would KiCk RoCkS!!

Pawl: What did ye just say lad?

Charlie: I said, that KiCkS rOcKs!!

Pawl: Ye have a bow... [looks at Albert] and ye... ye have a sword... [looks at Bob] and ye have an axe... Y'know, the three of ye remind me of someone... but I canna place it!

[Chessrook44]

Episode 17: Heroes Bar and Keep

[Fade in on Peter and Grayson, standing in the city.]

Grayson: Mmmm... Oh! There it is. "The Hero's Bar and Keep. Tavern and... Brothel?"

Peter: They must have some excelent broth to be advertising it as a tavern and a brothel! I know I could go for some broth. I'm pretty dehydrated from that walk in the desert.

[Fade out. Fade in on Peter and Grayson in the tavern]

Grayson: Oh, crap, do you smell that?

Peter: Uhh, smell what?

Grayson: The smell of warm beer, stale pretzels, and drunks. Oh, I am home!

Peter: You know, Grayson? You really need to get out more.

Grayson: I need to get in more! Being out with you has fried my brain! This is where I belong! Not out in the forest! I'm not an elf like you seem to be.

Peter: A half-elf. And I'm just saying that we've seen some great times lately. Don't let our goal to be rich and famous get sidetracked by your desire to sit down and do nothing. Once we kill the dragon and get our 20,000 gold each, we can buy a tavern just like this one.

Grayson: Really? We could own a bar? Oh, do you know what that means?

Peter: That we'd never have to mooch off my uncle ever again.

[The two walk to the bar]

Grayson: Never let it be said that you don't have a good point once in a while.

Bartender: Whut can I get you two adventurers?

Grayson: Did you hear that? He called us adventurers! [Clears throat] I'll take a pint of your finest ale, my good man.

Peter: Yes, and I'll take the same.

Bartender: 'Ere you go, suhs. Will there be anything else?

Peter: What else do you have here?

Bartender: Well, lad, er-hurm, hrm, I don't mean to brag, hm, but we do have the finest, hrm, "entertainment" one could ask for.

Grayson: Really? The finest, huh? I'll be the judge of that. Let me see what you have.

Bartender: Rainbow! Come over here, this hero's asking for you!

[Madame Rainbow walks up to the bar]

Grayson: Hero. Heh heh, yeah. That describes me perfectly.

Peter: See? What did I tell ya? 5 minutes ago you were complaining about wanting to stay home, and now look at you. You're on top of the world! You're being called a hero.

Grayson: I know. You know what? I will never doubt you again.

Madame Rainbow: Well hello there, big man. My, you are strong.

Grayson: Well, you have to be, you know, to carry around this armor and this big sword.

Mysterious Voice: Destroy me please. Throw me in a fiery pit and melt me down.

Grayson: Shh! So, uh, what were you saying about me?

Madame Rainbow: I hear you're looking for a little entertainment? How much you got to spend?

Grayson: Well, I guess I could spend a few gold.

Peter: What about me? I want to be entertained too.

Madame Rainbow: Don't worry, sweetie. I have a friend that will take care of you.

Peter: That's great. We each get our own personal show! Back in the city of Neverending we were always in a group.

Madame Rainbow: We can do that here too, boys, but I think you'll find the private shows a lot better.

Grayson: Oh hell yeah! So when does this show begin?

Madame Rainbow: Wow. You are ready to get to it, huh?

Grayson: Oh heck yeah I'm ready!

Madame Rainbow: OK then. Meet me in room 3 in 5 minutes.

Grayson: Oh, sounds good! Should I bring anything?

Madame Rainbow: Just your rippling muscles.

[Fade out. Fade in with Peter and Grayson at the bar.]

Grayson: Oh my God, this is great! Beer, food, and now a show? I wonder if it'll be a puppet show or more like a play...

Peter: I don't know. But I bet it's gonna be good.

Grayson: Peter, I'm sorry I doubted you. You were right. This IS the best thing that ever happened to me. I want to thank you for getting me off that barstool back home and bringing me here...... to this barstool.

Peter: He-hey, that's what friends are for. Now you better head upstairs, you don't want to be late for your performance.

Grayson: Oh yeah! Allright, I'll see you when it's over. [Runs off]

[Fade out. Fade in on Peter at the bar. Grayson runs in, naked.]

Peter: Wow! What kind of show is it?

Grayson: It wasn't a show! Well, she tried to... well she grabbed my... we-... we have to go now!

Peter: But you're, ah, you're kinda naked and you can't go outside like that!

Grayson: Don't mess with me right now, Peter! I'll put on my armor outside. Let's go.

[Fade out. Fade in on the duo standing outside the bar. Grayson is still naked.]

Peter: What the hell has come over you?

Grayson: Look, it wasn't a show. She wanted to have her way with me.

Peter: Aaaaand you said no?

Grayson: PETER!

Peter: OK, OK!

Grayson: Remember all that stuff I said about never doubting you again and this is the best idea you've ever had?

Peter: I can forget everything you said about it.

Grayson: YOU CAN FORGET EVERYTHING I SAID!

Peter: Ah, well, you know I hate to be the bearer of bad news... [Rainbow starts walking up to the duo]

Grayson: Peter, God, every time you open your mouth it's bad news. What is it this time?

Peter: Well you know your lady friend?

Grayson: Yeah?

Peter: Well she's right behind you.

Grayson: What?! [turns around] Look, I uh... I paid you...

Madame Rainbow: That's not why I'm out here! I'm out here to ask you something.

Grayson: Look, I was nervous. You, uh, you just caught me off guard. I'm sure this kinda stuff happens all the time, right?

Madame Rainbow: No, it has nothing to do with that. The two of you didn't come in there looking for that kind of fun, obviously. So what is it exactly that you two are looking for?

Peter: Well we're looking to become heroes. We thought that killing a dragon might make us heroes. Like the guy who killed a dragon down at Silverlake.

Madame Rainbow: But that's just a rumor spread by the evil dragon at Silverlake! That man didn't kill the dragon! As a matter of fact, they found his bones scattered and picked clean. Everyone knows that!

Grayson: Really? It sure seems like everyone knows that's a rumor.

Peter: Heh, everyone but us.

Madame Rainbow: Well if you're looking to become heroes, heroes typically have a very powerful villain with some kind of diabolical plan they must fight.

Peter: A villain? I don't think we have one of those.

[Fade out. Fade in on a woman clad in black with a cape and Falchion walking up to Ronald the Wreckless. Begin Dramatic Music.]

Andrea the (hot) Assassin: Excuse me, I'm looking for a sword.

Ronald the Wreckless: Well I have just what you're looking for. This one is smooth and long...

Andrea the Assassin: What did you just say? Nevermind. I'm looking for a particular sword. It looks like a magical sword but it does nothing special but glow.

Ronald the Wreckless: Why would you want a sword like that? Take a look here. This one is curved. It always gets you where you're going.

Andrea the Assassin: Listen, fool! I've had enough of your chatter! I know the sword is here. Just give it to me.

Ronald the Wreckless: I don't know of any sword like that. But I'm sure that I'll find a weapon that will suit your needs. This one has a ribbed handle for your fighting pleasure...

Andrea the Assassin: Speak, cretin, before I kill you!

Ronald the Wreckless: Hold on there! There's no need to get hostile! Look, I DO remember a glowing sword. I sold it to a fighter who was travelling with this ranger...

Andrea the Assassin: What were their names?

Ronald the Wreckless: I don't know. I never saw them before. A fighter and a ranger. They were wearing flashy armor.

Andrea the Assassin: Where did they go?

Ronald the Wreckless: I'm not sure. But they did mention something about going to kill a dragon. Like that guy down in Silverlake.

Andrea the Assassin: WHAT?! No, it can't be! The fools. That was just a rumor spread by the evil dragon at Silverlake! That man didn't kill the dragon. As a matter of fact, they found his bones scattered and picked clean! Everyone knows that!

Ronald the Wreckless: So is there anything else I can do for you?

Andrea the Assassin: YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH! [Kills Ronald in one stroke]

Ronald the Wreckless: Ulgh!

[Andrea kills a nearby onlooker and leaves. Fade out. Roll credits.]