love in the times of aids

Source: Health-e

Living with AIDS Programme 221

INTRO: With HIV dating can be a risky affair. The potential of meeting an HIV-positive partner is more real. But should this possibility dissuade anyone from dating? A young couple shares their story.

KHOPOTSO: Ishmael Ngozo and his lover have been together for two years. The 23 year-old has HIV and the partner doesn't.

ISHMAEL NGOZO: This is my baby, CL… He met me when I was already HIV-positive. After we had been dating for a couple of weeks I had to tell him. It was not that easy to… I thought he was going to leave me. But he was there for me. He understood. He's been there for me until now.

KHOPOTSO: For various reasons, including that he does not wish to publicly disclose his sexual orientation, Ishmael's partner is known as CL for purposes of this report.

CL: When he told me that he was HIV-positive it was a bit shocking at first. I was not scared for myself. I was scared for him because I know how to protect myself from getting the virus. So, I was scared for him that he already had it. But I had to accept it to give him support. So, that's what I did.

KHOPOTSO: Some people would actually say you're 'very brave.' Others would say you're actually 'stupid' going out with somebody that's infected with HIV?

CL: Well, definitely I've come across those comments. It's all about me and believing in what I believe in. I know that I'm not stupid and I'm not doing it for anyone. I'm doing it for myself because I do love him… I know how to protect myself. That's the most important thing. And I know where I stand. And I know what to do. And I know what not to do. So, I don't think I've been stupid.

KHOPOTSO: A smile of appreciation lights up Ishmael's ebony face as CL speaks. As much as the couple is happy though, HIV presents Ishmael with a number of insecurities.

ISHMAEL NGOZO: Most of the time I stress about him. What if he meets someone who is negative, like our friends would say things like 'he's wasting his time. What if I die?' I do think about those things. What if I die and I leave him? What would he do if I have full-blown AIDS and I'm lying there and I can't do anything? And I feel depressed. I feel depressed not for me. I feel depressed for him. I some times feel as if we shouldn't be together. He doesn't deserve to be with someone who is now sick. Each and every time I'm sick I'm scared, 'Oh my God, I'm dying or something'.

KHOPOTSO: But Ishmael is still healthy. He's on antiretrovirals and responding well to treatment. CL, is a source of inspiration to him.
CL: It's not like a death sentence, this disease. It's how you deal with it. If you can start accepting it you can live with it.

KHOPOTSO: What are the challenges that you have come across in this relationship - you're negative and he's positive - if you don't mind going into those?

CL: (he laughs) Well, he's more depressed and I have to deal with his depression…

KHOPOTSO: How do you get him through those?

CL: By telling him, by supporting him, by letting him see that it's not the end of the world. There is life. You can still go on and be strong if you take care of yourself. Being scared that you're going to die is something that is going to stress you and that's what's going to kill you at the end of the day. That's how I've kept him going.

KHOPOTSO: The challenges are even far-reaching, extending into their sex life.

ISHMAEL NGOZO: As much as they say 'do not use the government condoms, use some whatever condoms that you buy because they're stronger' we buy those condoms, but the other time it burst even though we're using so much lubricant. I don't know what happened - why it actually burst. Immediately when that happens you need to have medication around you. There's this other medication that you take - it doesn't have to be more than 72 hours…

KHOPOTSO: Post-exposure prophylaxis?

ISHMAEL NGOZO: Yes, yes, yes… As much as he knows how to protect himself there's always that risk as it happened. He had to take those things (the medicine) immediately. And after that he had to go for a test… Also, he may go and sleep outside and manipulate me and say 'I got it from you'. So, I protect myself from him and he protects himself from me… I think the other thing that becomes difficult with sex is that you've got to know when is a good time to have sex. For example, like now he's got some sores on his lips. I can't kiss him because he might be bleeding or something. He's my baby, but we've got to play it safe.

KHOPOTSO: It's been two years since the couple first met. Ishmael is up on his feet and has regained his self-esteem. They are in love, but as in many young relationships the future is not certain.

CL: Now I know that even if I were to leave him he won't feel like I'm leaving him because of his HIV status. He will understand because now he has accepted. I will be leaving free. It will be because of the problems that we have in the relationship because each and every relationship has its problems, not because of HIV.

ISHMAEL NGOZO: Are you telling me that you're going to leave me?

CL: (they both laugh) I'm just saying if I were to leave you. If I were to leave you, I know deep inside that you'll understand and you'll accept that I'm not leaving you because of your HIV status.