The Webmaster, fabled "helper" from Bungie of old, has returned. Only a year between this episode and the last. Note to new Bungie.net readers: The Webmaster is a cantankerous, beer-addled misfit who wears a gorilla suit and expecting sensible, polite answers from him is akin to gouging out your own eyes with frozen carrots. If you are easily offended, or frankly, if you are difficult to offend, then you should consider leaving now. If you wish, for some bizarre reason to email him, then he can be contacted at: webmaster@bungie.com.

The ship's sinking and you don't want to drown, so you step aboard on another ship, an ugly one with tasteless interior, steam engines and lots of construction errors, but definitely safer because a lot more people are supporting it. Right? But you still keep one feet on the other ship, never know they'll be able to fix the leaks...

Just think

Guido Thirion,

Guido-

I like this one better:

You are Cookie Monster. In front of you is a plate with ten cookies on it. Whenever you eat all the cookies, a trapdoor in the ceiling opens and ten more cookies drop onto your plate.

At the far end of the table is another plate of cookies. It appears to hold many more than the ten cookies on your plate. There's one big stack of cookies down there. You have eyed this stack of cookies for some time. Eventually you decide that you want to eat all those cookies as well.

And there you are: running from one end of the table to the other, gobbling cookie after cookie. Because you're the Cookie Monster, and when all is said and done, you just want to eat cookies.

Webmaster-

you cynical bastard

damn I love you

Andrew Taylor, awt@U.Arizona.EDU

Andrew-

Thanks, man.

At about 11:53pm, I was looking at your hall monitor when I saw a dead body laying in the hallway of your office. Since I'm in a school in Canada, I can't call your police. I sincerely hope this brutal murder wont stop you from releasing quality computer games.

Zartman's #1 fan,

andy mead, ummeadaw@cc.UManitoba.CA

Actually, you'd be surprised at the increase in morale and general productivity. We thrive on adversity.

How in the @!%$'n hell do you play marathon/marathon 2/marathon infinity over the internet!!! I got netlink remote now explain to me step by step not day by day (I'm good with puns,don't mess with me).

Marty L. Williams, mwilliam@usa.net

Marty-

Officially, you don't. Marathon was never intended to be played across the net.

Whispers abound of some kind of hack which in conjunction with NetLink Remote allows Marathon play over the Internet. I've never tried it and I'm not about to. If you walk this road, you walk alone.

Why did Rommel say "No guns"?

Ben Chin, never@home.com

Ben-

I must admit I haven't given much thought as to why -blam!-s said so many stupid things. It's probably just another side-effect of being a mindless drone in a madman's army. Believe me, I know all about that stuff.

Did you know that Erwin Rommel earned the nickname "Desert Fox" after numerous officers saw him prancing naked across the African desert after dark with a dead chicken in his mouth? Don't believe that "brilliant tactician" horse puckey for a second.

Is there a zombie in your hallway for security reasons, or is there something we don't know about?

Jeff Cedeno, jeffrey.a.ceeno@valley.net

Jeffty-

It's amazing what that hall cam picks up sometimes.

The only thing you guys don't know about is how truly surreal it is to work in this office.

Hello really really smart person or people or thing. I bought Marathon when it first came out. Now I have the rest of your released games except Weekend Warrior. My computer runs at 66mhz and there are no more commercial games that will work on my computer. grrrrr... With all those hours of marathon and the stash of IRA weapons I found in my parents backyard what can I do to solve this problem? If you say talk it out I will start killing shrubs at random.

Latham, vandeest@mhtc.net

I know you're all expecting me to exhort this poor man to commit random acts of senseless violence. But that would be unimaginative.

I suggest you sell those weapons to an upstart rogue cartel of international terrorists, or perhaps your local militia. Even the most poorly-funded bloodthirsty revolutionaries should be able to scrape up thousands of dollars when you dangle that much firepower in front of them.

When the transaction is complete, you'll have enough money to buy several computers, and the killing will be left to seasoned professionals.

Could you guys list what time you're in? That way I won't be seeing an abandoned hallway all the time.

Robert P. Peterson, rpetrsn@ibm.net

Robert-

Right now IBM is running all these commercials focusing on these generally clueless businesspeople who just sit around surfing the web instead of working. And the first e-mail I get from an ibm.net address is from someone who apparently has nothing better to do than look at our webcam all day. Kinda funny when you think about it.

Next time anyone asks me why OS/2 didn't catch on, I'll point them your way.

How could you, how could you, the guys who perform excellent creations in Mac software, make Myth for windows 95? My friends and i WERE going to purchase this fine game, but now myself along with many others are infuriated and were all going on a Bungie Boycot. Thanks alot

matt, mattj@macconnect.com

Matt-

You're angry that Bungie is releasing Myth: The Fallen Lords for Windows 95 as well as the MacOS. Presumably because you feel Bungie should only release games for the Mac, like we did in the good old days when the whole company consisted of two guys in a basement.

So to protest our cross-platform development efforts, you're organizing a Bungie Boycott. Presumably because you are "infuriated" and don't want to give us your money.

So when Myth ships, the Windows 95 version will sell like gangbusters. But we won't sell as many copies of the Mac version as we'd expected, because we're being boycotted by people who don't want to buy our software if we make a Windows version as well.

So the Bungie Bean Counters will look at the sales figures and say, "Gosh! The Windows 95 users love the game, but the Mac market is shrinking! I guess we better go back to a Mac-only policy."

Try to be realistic. One of my co-workers wrote a whole Bungie Soapbox article about the futility of OS wars which you might find illuminating.

You're just so smart, you've pulled off the first Aprils fools joke that had nothing to do with April. You see (hysterical laughter), I've figured it out, no more mind control for me... ha! Myth, that's the key, it's all just one big fat sloppy truth ridden joke. Myth is a MYTH; you've fooled us all. Woo-hoo, put out a couple of pictures of troll lookin things and then do some fun work and make three movies and tell everyone "We're going to release it sometime in 1997, it's really cool, rivers of blood real time shadows and a cool new way to play games, no building up armies for years, no more Doom style fighting" then in May you're still saying "The beta is still in testing..." Woha, my fault for missing the joke; you've even fooled a couple of magazines. Lets just be truthful, you guys are really working overtime on a Windows only sequel to Abuse.

Seems simple enough to me, also sounds easier, I mean you get paid either way. I loved Marathon and all but the joke is up... do I get a prize?

Justin Harbour, jbharb0@pop.uky.edu

Justin-

Nobody likes a smartass. Unless you happen to be me, in which case you are adored by millions. Fifty Million Webmaster Fans Can't Be Wrong.

There's a time-worn adage about good things coming to those who wait, and another hoary old chestnut about Rome taking a long time to build, and another one about never judging a software company until you have walked a mile in their moccasins and coded a 3D engine with real terrain, real physics, and nut-crushing lightning effects.

So cut us a little slack, jack.

Hey then-there-now-yet...

For corn sakes, have you kids set a price for Myth yet-then-there-now?

For cryin'-in-Walmart I'd darn-sure like to buy the gee-golly thing don'tchaknow.

Pre-order, ya-I-knewit, that's what I gee-golly-gosh-darn meant there-then-now-yet.

Here now-yet you crazy kids, I'll be buyin' the gee-golly game just as soon as ya sell it for-screamin'-at-a-meter-maid-in-a-porta-potty-there-then-now-yet.

You keep up the gee-golly-gosh-darn-tootin good work for wailin'-on-a-toilet-in-a-corn-field.

I'll show YOU the money,

Tobias Merriman, gironimo@siu.edu

Tobias-

I'll post a release date on our events page as soon as we figure it out.

I see from your e-mail address that you attend Southern Illinois University, and somehow I'm not surprised. Do you Carbondalites still have that problem where it's not safe for your menfolk to go out at night? Even the mention of it makes me think about "Duelin' Banjos."

number 1; I'm mailing you from my DAD'S office. You might call this pittiful, I have no internet at my house. And second of all, do you like Taco Bell?

John Sanchez, jsanchez@engin.umich.edu

John and/or your son-

It's not really possible to "like" Taco Bell, because Taco Bell isn't really a choice. Sometimes you just need to eat a mystery meat burrito at two in the morning, just like sometimes you simply need to travel to Philadelphia. Life is funny that way.

I applaud Bungie for christening their maps with quotes from such classic films as "Army of Darkness" and the Star Wars Trilogy. Two questions:

1. Are there any other films the consensus of you sarcastic execs/managers/programmers/taco-delivery-boys agree are true to the "Evil Dead/Army of Darkness" genre, and...

2. Is it true Bruce Campbell took the job at "Brisco County, Jr." after asking you for advice?

Faithfully VIDing, -J. Jennings, JCaleb86@aol.com

J.-

An obvious analog to the Evil Dead flicks is Peter Jackson's Brain Dead, known here in the States as Dead Alive. Be sure to view the unrated version, as the Blockbuster-Censored R version leaves much to be desired.

If you're impressed with Dead Alive, you should definitely seek out Meet The Feebles, an earlier Jackson work with an even sicker sense of humor. Unfortunately it is not widely distributed here in the U.S., as most Americans still think "Saturday Night Live" is actually funny. Dumbed down by this tepid "comedy," most of them cannot appreciate the sick genius of Mr. Jackson's best work. It's time to move to New Zealand. Anyway, seek out bootlegs of Meet The Feebles at any cost.

I told Bruce that "Brisco County, Jr." was the biggest mistake of his life. Did he listen? Nooooo.

Socks first or pants first?

Chrispy Nacho, christo@flash.net

Chrispy-

Socks only. Pants just slow me down.

If you guys can control peoples' minds, why haven't I given you all my money and sold myself as a slave to you for the enjoyment of your sick twisted minds, wrestling other unfortunate souls who also became the victims of your mind games in an industrial size double boiler full of donkey urine?

Kris Hauser, hauser@ucla.edu

Kris-

The power to control the minds of others brings an almost godlike sense of detachment and perversion. Forcing total strangers to compete in bizarre and repulsive contests is common; for added enjoyment, we can erase all memory of the incident and allow the subject in question to send us smug e-mails mocking what he thinks is a weakness on our part. Then we post the letter on our web site and everyone has a big laugh.

The Rime of the Ainchent Mariner

Yea, slimy thigs did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea.

It is an ainchent Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.

And a thosand thousand slimy things
Lived on; and so did I.

-form Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams
-and A Thousand Thousand Slimy Things is level in Marathon°

This poem is from a cool sci-fi/adventure/humor/horror/love story/mystery novel that everybody should read if their brother is hoggin' the computer and wont let you play the coolest game in existence!

Chris Camacho, christo@flash.net

Chris-

I hate to be a smartass - as I'm sure you can tell from the stoic tone of my responses on this page - but I have to point out that The Rime of the Ancient Mariner was written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge in the late 18th century, and therefore predates the work of Douglas Adams by almost two hundred years.

Really, if we'd wanted to work in a tribute to Douglas Adams in the Marathon games, it would have been something simple like a level called Milliways or a visit to the Heart of Gold or an encounter with Hotblack Desiato or lots of references to the number 42.

Ok, so if the orange pickles prevented the zany hog from confusing the giant midget and the deaf cow ate the bowl of ceramic oatmeal would the meteor still hit the Earth?

Larry Emmott, emmott@primenet.com

Larry-

Only if the giant radioactive puffin escapes from the bottomless pit of guacamole and dons her mufti before chewing the leper's toenails.

Otherwise, all is lost.

7 in binary is 111
anything plus zero is itself
1+0+1+0+1+0 is 101010
101010 in binary is 42
six times nine is 42
wow

anything is possible if you work hard and put your mind to it
but all you get is tired and a headache

i wish the sun would come out in the lounge
without any air the light will keep them at bay
or it will turn them into charcoal

deep in the shadow
the three eyed monsters now sleep
my wrath is no more

medusa@jack.macnet.com

Who says Greg Kirkpatrick is dead?

Good morning oh he-who-controls-my-mind! That last part about dominating the universe was tempting but your feeble powers can never overcome my immense intellect. The only thing that can overcome it is the question of WHY THE FRIGGIN' HECK IS THE BLUE DANUBE 25 SECONDS INTO TRACK THREE OF THE INFINITY CD?

FUNKLORD, crandall@Interpath.com

Funklord-

For the same reason that "Jingle Bells" was 26 seconds into the second audio track on the Marathon 2 CD: Alex was in the office at two in the morning with access to MIDI equipment and nothing else to do. There are twenty-six seconds of silence because...well, how many miles are there in a Marathon? As for the song selection, I must confess I have no idea why he picked the "Blue Danube" instead of "Workin' For the Weekend" by Loverboy or "I Fall To Pieces" by Patsy Cline, though I'd wager it has something to do with "Blue Danube" being in the public domain.

Sorry the explanation is so prosaic. Were you expecting something pregnant with meaning?

Hiya, Webmaster!

Let me say that I think you and everybody else at Bungie (even Matt) are doing a great job. My best friend and I both love Marathon, Marathon 2; Durandal, and Marathon Infinity. When we are not playing solo levels 'till the wee hours of the morning, we are kicking the crap out of each other playing the net levels.

I would also like to say that the 'Letters to the WebMaster' is a great idea. People get to express their 'likes' and (very rarely) 'dislikes'.

What really pisses me off is that some inconsiderate morons do not realize that this section is made possible by the WebMaster investing his own time to read and answer the questions and comments. And when I see people sending stupid and insulting letters that mostly do not have anything to do with Marathon or other fabulous Bungie products, well, HELL, THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!!!!

So, please, to all the nimrods out there, don't waste Bungie's precious time. It delays them from making incredible games.

Ian, stanhelenearl@perth.igs.net

Ian-

Aside from your opinion of certain coworkers, I'm really impressed.

I never get this sort of adulation without making threats first.

I'm not quite sure how one responds in these circumstances.

Thanks, I guess.

Release Myth or the bunny dies.

Morph, Morph@weirdness.com

Morph-

What, the Energizer bunny? I don't care if you kill that thing. I'll come over and help you.

Or were you referring to the Easter Bunny? Not that it matters - my answer is the same. No one hides eggs from me.

Bungie-

I'm writing a paper on the Star Wars trilogy, the 3 stooges and the Holy Trinity. I would also like to include the Marathon series. Could someone at Bungie please draw some obvious parallels and post them here so I can finish my paper? Thanks in advance.

P.S. My chest hurts when I play Infinity from the stress. Do you have any advice about this game-induced angina?

Bob Kallay, bkallay@cyclesoftware.com

Bob-

You haven't really given me much to work with, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

Popularity:

• All four triumvirates have millions of fans spanning the globe. Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.

Comebacks:

• The Marathon Trilogy is being rereleased in 1997 with extra stuff included.
• The Star Wars Trilogy was rereleased in 1997 with extra stuff included.
• One member of the Holy Trinity has been promising a special "Second Coming" for a while now, but we know not the day nor the hour.
• The idea of rereleasing Three Stooges two-reelers with additional physical violence is appealing but implausible, as they are all dead.

Carnage:

• Untold millions have died in Marathon net games.
• A whole lot of people died in the Crusades, which were carried out for the supposed benefit of the Holy Trinity.
• I think someone once told me he read on the net that some guy got trampled to death while waiting in line to see The Empire Strikes Back.
• Someone once whipped a fountain pen into Larry Fine's forehead.

The Supernatural:

• One member of the Holy Trinity has been referred to as a ghost.
• Several ghostlike apparitions are key figures in the Star Wars movies.
• The Three Stooges once did a film called "The Ghost Talks."
• Marathon net games over LocalTalk are occasionally plagued by "ghost players."

Heavy Artillery:

• There are lots of guns in the Marathon Trilogy, including rocket launchers.
• Moe Howard once fired a bazooka into his face and lived.
• Um...lots of people get their hands chopped off in the Star Wars trilogy.
• Umm...well...I think I'll stop trying now. This futile little exercise has already wasted too much of my time.

To cure your Infinity-induced angina, I recommend an extended gaming session. Keep playing, even if your heart starts pounding, you break out in a cold sweat and can no longer see your monitor clearly. The problem will disappear forever shortly thereafter.

I have heard that there is a sequel to Pathways coming out.It sounds really cool but.... You say It's only for Pentium Computers! What about us, you know the people that have those cool computers called Macs. I love Pathways the orginal,and then I heard that there is a squel coming out I was so excited, but then I finished reading the paragraph and there to my discust it said "Pathways Into Darkness:2000 Special Editon will only be for pentium computers". I was outraged to think that you at bungie the makers of the coolest Mac games ever would leave us in the cold.

Hank Devos, Hank_Devos@magic.ca

Hank-

That "Pathways Into Darkness 2000" thing was a joke. A dumb joke. A joke with no basis in reality. There is not going to be a Pathways sequel.

I was looking at your Myth preview and think it looks kinda cool. But then I went to your FTP site and couldn't find it. Could you send me the full version?

britt m, hella@rednecks.com

Britt-

Sure thing. Nothing I like more than sending out beta software to complete strangers. Especially since doing such a thing could cost me this posh Webmaster job. I'll get right on it.

However, because Myth is still in development, I've had to arrange a sort of roundabout method to get the game to you. I can't just e-mail it because that's not a really secure method of transfer. So here's what you do:

1. Get an large empty cardboard box and wrap it in twine. This is so you can hide the software and instructions on your trip home.
2. Head down to the U.S. Post Office which is closest to your home. (Of course I already know where you live. I'm the Webmaster.)
3. Enter the Post Office and walk up to the counter. Say the following phrase to the friendly Post Office Employee behind the counter: "I GOTTA HAVE DA BOMB." ("Da Bomb," for those of you living in NeoCalvinist enclaves untouched by hip-hop, is slang for something incredibly cool...like Myth.)
4. If the Post Office employee seems confused, repeat the phrase louder. Shake the empty box meaningfully. You may wish to ask for a supervisor.
5. Eventually a number of our operatives, dressed as police officers, will arrive and escort you from the premises to a truck waiting outside. Once inside, they'll give you your complimentary Myth beta. You might even be able to snag a donut or two if you're polite.

wanna wedgie?

nirvana@halcyon.com

Hey Nirv-

I bet you've got all of Pauly Shore's movies on tape, don't you?

Hi! I had a suggestion for some music to go into Myth.

Back when the Olympics where on, they played some music that sounded really appropriate for what I imagine your game to be like.

The two pieces of music are:

Oh Fortuna from Carmina Burana

and

Conquest of Paradise.

Listen, I know these are classical pieces but they instantly summon forth pictures of armies clashing and marching. (I dont normally listen to classical music, but this is NOT typical classical).

Go down to your record store and see if you can pick up a copy of Summon the Heroes. Both of the pieces are on it. I promise you the music will be appropriate, and you will not be disappointed.

James Allworth, allworth@ozemail.com.au

James-

We've got lots of great music lined up for Myth. Tracks currently under consideration include:

• "Telephone Man" by Meri Wilson
• "Do The Hustle" by Van McCoy
• "Satan Is Trapped Inside the Body of Joe the Dog" by the Gland Puppies
• "Rock Lobster" by the B-52s
• "Take On Me" by A-Ha!
• "Love Child" by the Supremes

We're also trying to get Bette Midler, Celine Dion and Whitney Houston to sing the Myth Theme Song.

I guess I'll add your suggestions to the list, though...

I got the demo for prime target. It is a copy of marathon 2. I even converted the files and opened them up with anvil. I also used marathon cheater on the saved game files and it worked. Are you aware of this? in the forge and anvil manual, it says that under no circumstances can you market maps , sounds, shapes, or image files.

Very concerned,

Jordan Yelloz, an685@lafn.org

Jordan-

Thanks for the concern, but rest easy: Prime Target is okay by us. MacSoft didn't swipe the Marathon 2 engine; they licensed it from us. It's perfectly legal.

So call off the hounds and let those poor folks go about their business.

I've always wanted to know what you look like.

David and Eileen Dowse, dowse@vnet.net

Yeah, well, you can't have everything.

Dear Webmaster, What is the chemical formula pfhor Carnage?

Chris Reid, creid@lville.pvt.k12.nj.us

I always thought it was

1 vat carbolic acid + busload of (sycophants and liars)

but I am a simple man with simple answers.

can you PLEASE put a mailing list of new products or just mail me when any news comes out. my address is jeremyk@tiger.hsc.edu, oh yeah love the site

JEREMYK, JEREMYK@tiger.hsc.edu

Jeremy-

We've already got a mailing list. Had it for ages.

To join, check out the Mailing List page.

Hello, my name is Mark, (Hello, Mark) And I am addicted to Marathon. It used to be so easy to turn the game off. I mean, I played the demos and thought they were okay. I thought, c'mon it's only a game, right. So I saved up my pennies and finally bought Marathon and Marathon 2. It was fun. I played frequently, and when I had to go eat dinner or go to sleep, I did--Eventually. I told myself I could quit anytime I wanted. I guess I was lying, cause I stayed up later and later, downloading maps to play against my friends. . . .Then they came out with Marathon Infinity and, like a fool, I bought it too. . . (*choke*) preordered it actually. Now, I. . . .I can't stop making maps with Forge. When I'm away from my computer I think about how I can spiffy up my maps. When I'm on the road or in a mall, or building (*sniff*) or something, I try to think of how I can design a map based on where I'm at. I've made a map out of my house, complete with water in the toilet. And now . . . . (We know, we know. Just say it, Mark. You can do it.) . . .and now they announced (**SOB**) the boxed set. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I'm preordering it on Monday. Never mind that I already have all three of the games indivitually. I . . .I'm addicted to all things Marathon, past, present, and future.

(We all knew what Mark was talking about that day. We all knew about Marathon, about the sleepless nights with Forge, or staring down the Phfor with pair of shotguns. And those PIMPS at Bungie, DAMN THEM, they just keep on feeding us what we're addicted to. Don't they care that we don't have a social life beyond swearing at eachother across a room when they attack us with a Spanker and all we've got is an empty Fusion gun.)

deschams@BYUH.EDU

Mark-

Heh. Pimpin' ain't easy.

So you've got water in the toilets at your place, eh? You must be rich or something.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY PLAYABLE DEMOS AT THIS SITE??!!!!!! And if you do, where the heck do you find them

Martin Sanchez, jsanchez@engin.umich.edu

Martin-

I'm no expert, but I'd probably look at the Downloads page. Doesn't sound too promising on its face, but you never know what you might find.

I am really looking forward to MYTH! I was just wondering if you are releasing a Myth demo on your website for downloading. I need a MYTH demo, the slideshow and all three movies that I have are not enough, I NEED TO KILL SOME THRALLS!

Ryan "Phfor Killer" Boer, fphendriks_pub@wildrose.net

Ryan-

You'll need to wait a little longer for the Myth demo, but content yourself with the following trivia factoid:

The plural of THRALL is also THRALL. Kinda like MOOSE. Big, ugly, undead, axe-wielding moose.

The public must know the answer to these pressing questions. Using your mind-control abilities (and/or any other powers that you guys have that we haven't heard of yet), I want you to concentrate, and tell me the answers to these questions:

1. Where did they hide Jimmy Hoffa?

2. Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?

3. Where can this scarecrow named "Bungie" be found? I wish to offer sacrifices.

4. Do we have to eat live slugs to beta-test? Or can we just randomly destroy private property?

Lefkowitz Family, jpdg@cais.com

Allow me to answer you bluntly. (I'm as blunt as the next guy. Maybe blunter. So consider yourself blunted.)

1. They hid Jimmy Hoffa at my place.
2. I stole the cookie from the cookie jar, but it had raisins in it so I gave it to the dog, who was promptly sick.
3. The Bungie scarecrow is in a huge cornfield on the South Side of Chicago. You know the one.
4. Random destruction of private property is acceptable so long as said property does not belong to us. Otherwise, the live slugs eat you.

I finally decided to blow an hour or two on the Bungie Site after putting it off since before M2 was released. (<---see I'm cool 'cause I use acronyms.) Anyway, I thought I'd tell Bungie a true Story dealing with Marathon 2.

Background: I had this stupid "split brain: Mthos & Logos" NEXA (philosophy/science/sociology) class at SF State and we had to read "Zen and the art of Motorcycle maintainence" and also write four "philosophic metaphysical type" papers concerning where we were on our "spiritual journey" and integrating the ideas presented to us, etc. Real college level stuff mind you. The stupid part was most of the others students lack of comprehension of where you were supposed to go. Instead most wanted that "jump through the hoop - how do I get the A - TELL ME WHAT TO THINK" grade. Thus these morons missed the point of the class completely.

Foreground: After finishing the book we had to write a 10 page (single space) final paper detailing where we stood and how we see reality. And the book was good for what it was, but to someone with a kick-ass processor like myself, It was old hat stuff I finished thinking about almost ten years previous. What to do for the paper? What angle to take that won't put me nor my readers asleep as I explain my grand scheme of how life works (or at least the underpinnings of all of our psyches). Now, besides having the intellect to construct this little tirade, I also realize that most manifestos of this nature come off pompous and downright BORING.

Enter Marathon 2: Durandal. One night about 2 weeks before the paper is due I was at home on my friends 7200 experiencing damn good speed vs. my Quadra 800, while trying to inch past one more level before calling it a day. The weigt of the paper was starting to press on me, and in between Phor induced breaks, I startied thinking about how much I was getting off on this game, and Why. I realized I would never enjoy a cross contry trek like inthe book and that just wasn't my speed. I needed to find a "Quest" that put a lot more drama and action into the story. Then it hit me. Marathon 2 was a GREAT side plot through a story structure unapologetically ripped off from "Zen". Instead of a motorcycle trip with my son, I'd go on a bloody killing spee with my mind playing the sidecar role.

Let the Story Begin: The story titled "Fear" and presented fear as THE core of all our beings. With it you could extrapoolate reasons for both logical and completely irrational behavior. I had an extrememly intelligent friend read the drafts and help refine some of the concepts (including contribute a few different insights I would have overlooked). I also showed it to others, less intelligent to get a reaction. All comments I received where very positive. "I was blown away," "It's prety cool if you look at it like that" and "I loved how you developed the battle as a metaphor for different factors influencing a person interaction with reality. Was the printing of the battle text intentionally squeezed together like that?" (Actually my printer didn't have the right Postscript fonts) You can guess who said what. As usual my paper got high marks from the two professors in the class. However, it was my only paper to receivethe equivalent of an A/A+ from both professor (who usually had Siskel and Ebert points of view.)

Now yes, this sound REALLY conceited, but my point is really to thank Bungie for make a game great enough to inspire me to write a final paper about it (well kinda') and enable me to elevate and develop some heavy thoughts using the game. I don't thing it would have been accomplishable with any other 3D first person gamer out there considering that part of the fun was unfolding the story line and really "caring" about the Phfor killing the bobs and destroying your civilization. With out such texture I don't think I could have gotten my nerves so tight as to actually start shaking while sidestepping around a corner or acute enough to dodge a rain of projectiles instead of simply letting them hit me and starting from the beginning again.

M NoiVad, noivad@sirius.com

Hi M.-

Glad to hear the paper did so well. Please send me a copy when you get a chance.

I remember back when we had the first development meeting for Marathon 2, and I said "I think we should make the combat in the game a metaphor for the different factors influencing the way an individual interacts with reality." I'm glad someone caught it.

You are correct, you DO get the weirdest mail. Now, if you would only stop posting that crap on your website. Thank you.

By the way, I truly enjoyed Marathon and just recently bought Marathon 2: Durandal. Unfortunately, I was very disappointed that it only took me a week of on-and-off playing to beat it. I sincerely hope Marathon Infinity will last longer.

He Of The Spastic Fingers, dlkjf@kdjflskjdf.com

Well...

As you can see, I've chosen your letter as the inaugural piece in this edition of Letters to the Webmaster. It seemed to fit in with the rest of the...well, you know.

As for Marathon 2's difficulty (or lack thereof, from your perspective)...that's why there's an option that lets you set the difficulty. If you made it through the whole game in a week on the Total Carnage level, we're impressed. And we'll be even more impressed if you can do the same in Marathon Infinity.

Ah...why is it that the Marathon 2 map file contains a PICT image of a heavily blurred scan of a personals section from some newspaper from God knows where and God knows when? I don't recall seeing it during the course of the game at any point.

Uncouth, zheaton@uclink4.berkeley.edu

Hey there, you uncouth individual-

Obviously you didn't find the secret terminal in "Requiem For A Cyborg."

Does Ling-Ling ever get lonely? I see her (him?) on your website and she (he?) seems so forlorn. Am I just overly sentimental or something?

Steven Bartoo, sbartoo@jcrew.com

Steven-

Ling-Ling is a dog (a species which has historically had trouble communicating in standard English). Ling-Ling has also suffered decaptitation (which tends to end individual sentience rather swiftly). If you had to ask me what Ling-Ling is feeling right about now, I'd have to say: not much at all.

Your concern for the beheaded bowser is touching, though. Do you feel this way about all dead animals, or just dogs?

Dear Bungie,

If the Pfhor were to take over earth and the universe to cast humanity and all other living object into the chasm of confusion, the pit of poverty, the trench of terror, the ditch of dispair, the hole of hoplessness, etc. ( you get my drift ) would you:

A) Cower in the Pfhor's ugly shadow

B) Try to start a rebellion

C) Grab everything of importance and run to cave where bat dung lays a strewn on the ground for you bed and only the voices inside your head to keep you company

D) Take the .44 magnum out of the cupboard you keep it locked in and go out in a blaze of glory, for death of the cruel and cold Pfhor, for the survival humanity's freedom, for the survival religious rights, for the survival of the dying rain forests, for the survival of the o-zone layer which is being slow annialated, for that poor boy, little Johny to have that one crumb of cake on his birth day!

Note: You'll have to think about his one...

J Henderson, jeannh@ccnet.com

J.-

If the Pfhor were to take over not just the earth, but the entire Universe as well, eh? It sounds to me like what you're really asking, to reduce your question to its basic essence, is "What would happen if the laws of nature suddenly warped such that the whims and dreams of Bungie employees became reality?" I think each of us would respond to that in his/her own special way.

Alex R. would move back to California and settle down with 10 clones of Drew Barrymore. In his spare time, he would train them as La Femme Nikita-style assassins and send them to destroy the Wall Street Journal.

Jay would make the world flat, like a frisbee, and trick gullible people into jumping over the edge.

Doug would become the world's greatest slumlord, with an iron grip on the real estate market in every major city. Each night, all his captive tenants would be treated to a televised concert by Doug's band, Spiney Norman. At the end of each show, the band would break up, but they'd put aside their differences in time for the next evening's Special Reunion Concert.

Eric would say, "Wow! You mean anything I think about becomes reality?! I'll have to noodle on that one for a while." No one would ever hear from him again.

Rob would use his newfound powers to actually carry out all the otherworldly tortures he has devised over the years for all those who've crossed him in the past.

Jason J. would spend all his time hanging out with Jackie Chan.

Jason R. would gain the ability to transmogrify, GoBots-like, into a truck. "They call me TRUCK!" he'd bellow, smashing gleefully into anyone who got in his way.

Ryan would continue to spend all his free time on his boat.

Tuncer would will all of America's professional sports teams to play continually, around the clock, and spend most of his time shuttling from skybox to skybox. After the first couple of days some of the players would begin to drop dead from exhaustion. Tuncer would find this pretty funny.

Jonas would divide his time between London and Sweden, where he would get drunk and dig up buried fish, respectively. He would be constantly trailed by a servant feeding him a limitless supply of Brie cheese and red wine.

Matt would render himself omniscient, thus eliminating the need for e-mail and telephones. He would probably render himself omnipotent and omnivorous as well. When bored, he would devise and carry out some hellish torments upon those members of the entertainment industry he strongly dislikes. John Leguizamo wouldn't know what hit him.

Using her extensive knowledge of swordfighting, Pam would get some gaudy costume and become a superheroine fighting under the moniker Pam-O the K Blade. In between frequent guest appearances on Sesame Street and the Rosie O'Donnell Show, she would defend the hapless John Leguizamo from Matt's ceaseless attacks.

Dave would be hired as the new singer for Van Halen. After three days, he would give Eddie Van Halen the boot and rename the band Joost. Despite this, they would continue their string of multiplatinum albums.

Mark would embark upon a new career as an inspirational speaker. His resonant voice would hold entire stadiums in thrall; eventually, his fans would start a religion based around him. The Church of Scientology would attempt to dethrone him, but Mark would demonstrate his power by beating the crap out of Tom Cruise and John Travolta in a Marathon net game and they would slink back into the shadows from whence they emerged.

Alex S., having had a Machiavellan sense of foresight, would invoke a little-known clause in the contracts of all Bungie employees giving him 50% of all their non-Bungie earnings. He would use his newfound wealth to buy a car with working doors. He would then send his old Dodge Neon (AKA the "General Lee") to a certain programmer at a lesser software company.

"Hee-hee-hee! Hee-hee-hee! That tickles!" That ominous sound is heard in the distance. As the manical giggling grows nearer, your pulse races. Taking one big gulp, you ready your shotgun with a solid "click-clack" sound. You take a deep breath, brace yourself, and step around the corner. There he is!

With a single reflex action, you pull the trigger and reload with a loud bang that echoes in your ears over the "click-clack" action of the shotgun. The shot does little damage, with the bastard only responding with "Hee-hee-hee! That tickles!". Taking a few steps back, you ready your SPNKR missle launcher. Firing once... twice... finally, the third missle takes him out for the count, his limbs scattering the hallway.

Suddenly, you hear a sound directly behind you...you spin on your heels... all you see is fur, and hear the dreaded sound of more manical giggling... You check your inventory...and you are out of SPNKR missles. This just isn't your day...

Coming soon, from Bungie Software... MARATHON: THE WRATH OF E'LMO Available "Within two weeks..." from MacWarehouse!

Chris George, geor7239@uwwvax.uww.edu

Chris-

An amusing idea, although for various copyright reasons it will probably never happen. But look for a Tickle Me Wight doll at your favorite toy store after Myth ships.

Okay, here's simple question. Why is my Marathon Infinity CD half black and half yellow when the rest of the world's is half grey and half black?

Sam Miller, samm@ames.net

Sam-

It was a printing mix-up. There were only about 1500 of the yellow-and-black infinity CDs printed before we burst into the CD pressing plant, captured the idiot responsible and sucked his soul into our web server, where he will answer tech support questions in his incredibly brain-dead fashion 24 hours a day for all eternity. Please feel free to torment him whenever you like.

As for the CD, think of it as a limited edition.

How do you say there Charlie?

I understand that Matt is a very busy person with lots of e-mail to answer, but is this all he does while online? On AOL in particular I wonder if the Bungie Forum is the only place he visits. Would you keep an eye on him and see if he "accidentally" wanders into a chat room where he (or most other guys for that matter) might not belong?

HanCapMgnt@aol.com

Matt moved down the hall to a new office last week, which is somewhat beneficial in that it keeps him the hell away from everyone else but also means that we can't keep him on as short a leash as we used to.

Consequently, some of you may have seen strange, barely-intelligible postings from Matt in the last few weeks. We've been working hard to have these deleted, but if any of you have read them, please be assured that Matt's opinions are not representative of Bungie. We don't know where he got that stuff about keeping Hitler's brain in a jar. And that "I am the God of Hellfire" routine was even less funny after he crossposted it to every newsgroup.

We are taking measures to improve the quality of his work. Currently, these measures are limited to nailing him with a tranquilizer dart when he arrives in the morning. Jay is experimenting with the dosages, and we hope to eventually leave him awake enough to work; right now he's just knocked out for several hours, and when he's asleep he tends to make these weird keening noises that echo down the hall and scare everyone.

In the Letters To The Webmaster section of your site, I noticed that you say "6 + 9 = 14". Did you really think that no one would notice?

Joe Hanson, joefolio@clubnetct.com

Joe-

I humbly apologize for the error. I'd been reading some Descartes that morning in the Bungie Rec Room (not much to speak of now, but Doug is bringing in Yahtzee and Alex says we might be able to put in a Thighmaster if Myth does well) and I got so carried away by the concept of 2 and 2 equalling 5 that I was subconsciously driven to try it out.

The lesson here: reading Descartes can do funny things to your brain.

Today me and a friend beat your game marathon and noticed how much we enjoyed it and how much time you put into it. We are very thankful for this gift of life. It is a pleasure to have a company in the world that understands what people want. We can't wait till we play Marathon 2 Drundal and beat it!

Stanton Miller, millers@oro.net

Stanton-

First off, we're glad you liked the game. Really. Other game companies just say that, but we mean it. Thanks.

Calling Marathon a "gift of life" made us feel special. It's almost like you're saying that your young life didn't even really begin until you played Marathon...as though Marathon is a rite of passage, a coming-of-age experience. It's like getting your driver's license and going out for a spin in your Dad's Toyota. It's like drinking a weird blue liquid at a frat party and waking up in the Iowa countryside wearing no pants and sitting astride a mad cow. It's your first prostate exam performed by an actual doctor. Marathon is all these things and more.

You seem like a bright kid, Stanton. If you ever get into Descartes, give me a call.

What's the difference between blue and purple?

Depends on how tight your grip is.

Paul X. Bennett, paulxb@earthlink.net

Paul-

I bet you'd know first-hand. So to speak.

I saw somebody try this once(with training rounds), so a word from the wise.

When you are firing an M-203 (M-16 with a 40mm grenade launcher slung underneath) in real life, GRENADE HOPPING DOESN'T WORK!!!

DANIEL TRUDELL, dtrudell@haywire.csuhayward.edu

Daniel-

Oh sure, why don't you just RUIN IT FOR EVERYONE? We were hoping to keep it a secret until we got enough entertaining footage to post on the site.

Besides, did your friend try it in OUTER SPACE, on a ship with ARTIFICIALLY-GENERATED GRAVITY? I thought not.

Pay this party-pooper no mind, friends. Grenade-hop as much as you want.

Is it just me, or are the letters to the webmaster getting dumber by the week? Be honest. Most of them are just Tuncer's idea of a joke, right?

Avi Selk, avi@cyberspc.mb.ca

Avi-

Well, I can't deny that the letters are getting dumber, but Tuncer has nothing to do with it. Seriously, we couldn't dream any of this stuff up. And these are just the ones we can print.

I hate to be the one to break the news to you guys, but who else is going to? I'm the only one who can tell you. I'm the only one who knows.

Bungie, you have no customers. You have no fans. Every letter on your Letters To The Webmaster page was written by me. The thousands of hits your site has gotten came from my internet account. The newsgroup alt.games.marathon contains articles posted only by me. All the copies of all the games you have sold were purchased by me. At MacWorld, the huge crowd around your booth has always been made up of professional actors hired by me. The professional actors and the employees of Bungie are the only people who have played your games.

Hurts, doesn't it? Thought you were a major player in the computer gaming industry for so long, huh?. And now you find out the truth. Well, its going to get worse. For the past 2 years, all your financial success has come from my support. I made you... and now I will break you! I have halted all payments for Bungie games, you are no longer a cutting-edge game developer and publisher.

Bobby, bob@bob.com

Hi Bobby-

Likewise, I hate to be the one who has to break the news to you, but I just can't fob this off on someone else.

The entity you know as 'Bungie' is, and has always been, a scarecrow. A diversionary tactic. A front for a far more powerful (and infinitely more sinister) organization.

But, like any average aspiring megalomaniac, you fell for it. You barraged 'Bungie' with letters, you poured your money into their coffers, you devoted your life to your silly crusade against this 'Bungie'...while we waited. And plotted. And grew stronger.

And now that you're physically, spiritually and financially exhausted - and don't give us any of that "I have halted payments" crap, you're totally broke and we both know it - we will strike back.

To add insult to injury, we will most likely strike back through Bungie - simply to prove that even the weakest arm of our organization is more powerful than you can ever imagine.

Meanwhile, the rest of us - the ones at the top - will concern ourselves with more important issues.

They don't call me the Webmaster for nothing.